From cherub to chav

For those of you who have no idea what a chav is... well thats a tricky one... Wikipedia (always fun for a laugh) says

"The stereotypical "chav" is an aggressive teenager or young adult who often engages in anti-social behaviour, such as street drinking, drug abuse and rowdy behaviour. They are often assumed to be unemployed or in a low paid job. Stereotypical "chavs" typically wear tracksuits and hoodies made by sporting brands such as Nike and Adidas and listen to dance music and RnB."

Its typical of wikipedia to sugarcoat these things. I wondering how many chavs grimace at such an official and flat sounding description

You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike....Why should you try not to hit him?
Its probably your bike

The urban dictionary, home of many an amusing alternative definition comes out with something alot more precise....

Frightening huh!
Frightening huh!

"Picture this a young lad about 12 years of age and 4 ½ feet high baseball cap at ninety degrees in a imitation addidas tracksuit, with trouser legs tucked into his socks (of course, is definitely the height of fashion). This lad is strutting around, fag in one hand jewellery al over the over, outside McDonalds acting as if he is 8 foot tall and built like a rugby player, when some poor unsuspecting adult (about 17/18) walks round the corner wanting to go to mcdonalds for his dinner glances at the young lad, the young lad jumps up in complete disgust and says “Whats your problem? Wanna make sommin of it? Bling Bling” when the adult starts to walk towards the young lad, the young lad pisses himself and runs off to either his pregnant 14-year-old girlfriend or his brother in the army crying his eyes out."

I think you get the picture. In fact I have just seen a webisite that describes these delightful young people as a cross between a "wigger" and "white trash"... so erm.... "wigger trash???" I dont know!

What do you call a chav collecting his moms child benefit from a post office?

Sorrrrrted!

Anyhow, whilst packing with the kids today, I was reminded that even the worst chav started out as a small and often adorable child. What is it about our children that turns even the sweetest, most angelic, doting little girl into a 15 year old foul mouthed, dirty trollop? What has happened to our civilisation that allows the utter dregs of society, the laziest, most ungrateful, theiving, joy-riding, drug crazed, disrespectful, immature and pathetic youths to happy slap their way into british culture like a childs version of the mafia?

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

So I wondered maybe its something we are doing. Naturally my first instinct was to turn to The Usual Suspects. Maybe its diet, too much sugar, insecticides in the food cycle, preservatives or MSG. Perhaps its bad parenting due to the nuclear family, single parents, modern working families, reliance on schools, lack of respect. Maybe its obsession with possesions, getting the latest ipod, mobile phone or Wii game or a simple degradation of society, no religious values, bad policing and useless laws.

Why did the Chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

I guess all this is possible, but to find the truth I think we really need to look at our little ones. As an unqualified adult, but not a father I am in a unique position of perspective. I am encountering children but do not have the blood connection that society automatically allows us certian rights. I have to be very careful what I do and say to the children I care for, always being aware that every action I take could be scrutinised from granma to the next door neighbour.

It occurs to me that maybe we have somewhere along the way given children too much consideration. So I looked up some of the great literature on the subject, voices that the world will recognise instantaneously as being profoundly right and decent.

"I believe the children are our are future, Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside, Give them a sense of pride to make it easier"

Haiiiii-Yah
Haiiiii-Yah

Whitney's portentious edict suggested that we must teach them well and let them lead the way. Im not sure Whitney has ever tried to teach a chav, it would be fun to watch, after all I strongly suspect they are a lot more inclined to listen to Bobby Browns advice on how to bring knuckle bruises down whilst wearing stupidly low pants.

And one thing you can definitely say about chavs is that they have pride, normally in the quantity of "bling" they have stolen from their grannies, or the best fastest most outrageous and loudest Vauxhall Nova they have stolen this week. I wonder if Whitney meant something more incidious, like the beauty inside being their heart, rib cage, stomach? Hmmm, perhaps I have underestimated her

Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police

So what are we doing wrong to our kids to make them behave in such an anti scoial manner? I have an idea... take a look at the following picture. I believe it will be made very very clear......

Hmmm
Hmmm

curious
curious

ahhhh
ahhhh

To me, it seems pretty clear that when we take photos like these and then post it to literally millions of people on the internet, it is bound to affect our little ones, so when they turn into the teenage chavs, we only have ourselves to blame.

I see, birds huh
I see, birds huh

One last point. If you are in the UK remember it is better to have tried and been happy slapped down, had your mug viewed by thousands on slappy internet sites and shown on the naional news, than not to try at all... apparently! If you are living in the US however, please note, he may look and act like Vanilla Ice, but the gun he's carrying is probably B.I.G's.

scary
scary

Ungh
Ungh

erm...
erm...

From Cherub to Chav

For those of you who have no idea what a chav is... well thats a tricky one... Wikipedia (always fun for a laugh) says

"The stereotypical "chav" is an aggressive teenager or young adult who often engages in anti-social behaviour, such as street drinking, drug abuse and rowdy behaviour. They are often assumed to be unemployed or in a low paid job. Stereotypical "chavs" typically wear tracksuits and hoodies made by sporting brands such as Nike and Adidas and listen to dance music and RnB."

Its typical of wikipedia to sugarcoat these things. I wondering how many chavs grimace at such an official and flat sounding description

You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike....Why should you try not to hit him?
Its probably your bike

The urban dictionary, home of many an amusing alternative definition comes out with something alot more precise....

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="162" caption="Frightening huh!"][/caption]

"Picture this a young lad about 12 years of age and 4 ½ feet high baseball cap at ninety degrees in a imitation addidas tracksuit, with trouser legs tucked into his socks (of course, is definitely the height of fashion). This lad is strutting around, fag in one hand jewellery al over the over, outside McDonalds acting as if he is 8 foot tall and built like a rugby player, when some poor unsuspecting adult (about 17/18) walks round the corner wanting to go to mcdonalds for his dinner glances at the young lad, the young lad jumps up in complete disgust and says “Whats your problem? Wanna make sommin of it? Bling Bling” when the adult starts to walk towards the young lad, the young lad pisses himself and runs off to either his pregnant 14-year-old girlfriend or his brother in the army crying his eyes out."

I think you get the picture. In fact I have just seen a webisite that describes these delightful young people as a cross between a "wigger" and "white trash"... so erm.... "wigger trash???" I dont know!

What do you call a chav collecting his moms child benefit from a post office?

Sorrrrrted!

Anyhow, whilst packing with the kids today, I was reminded that even the worst chav started out as a small and often adorable child. What is it about our children that turns even the sweetest, most angelic, doting little girl into a 15 year old foul mouthed, dirty trollop? What has happened to our civilisation that allows the utter dregs of society, the laziest, most ungrateful, theiving,  joy-riding, drug crazed, disrespectful, immature and pathetic youths to happy slap their way into british culture like a childs version of the mafia?

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

So I wondered maybe its something we are doing. Naturally my first instinct was to turn to The Usual Suspects. Maybe its diet, too much sugar, insecticides in the food cycle, preservatives or MSG. Perhaps its bad parenting due to the nuclear family, single parents, modern working families, reliance on schools, lack of respect. Maybe its obsession with possesions, getting the latest ipod, mobile phone or Wii game or a simple degradation of society, no religious values, bad policing and useless laws.

Why did the Chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

I guess all this is possible, but to find the truth I think we really need to look at our little ones. As an unqualified adult, but not a father I am in a unique position of perspective. I am encountering children but do not have the blood connection that society automatically allows us certian rights. I have to be very careful what I do and say to the children I care for, always being aware that every action I take could be scrutinised from granma to the next door neighbour.

It occurs to me that maybe we have somewhere along the way given children too much consideration. So I looked up some of the great literature on the subject, voices that the world will recognise instantaneously as being profoundly right and decent.

"I believe the children are our are future, Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside, Give them a sense of pride to make it easier"

[caption id="attachment_321" align="alignright" width="228" caption="Haiiiii-Yah"][/caption]

Whitney's portentious edict suggested that we must teach them well and let them lead the way. Im not sure Whitney has ever tried to teach a chav, it would be fun to watch, after all I strongly suspect they are a lot more inclined to listen to Bobby Browns advice on how to bring knuckle bruises down whilst wearing stupidly low pants.

And one thing you can definitely say about chavs is that they have pride, normally in the quantity of "bling" they have stolen from their grannies, or the best fastest most outrageous and loudest Vauxhall Nova they have stolen this week. I wonder if Whitney meant something more incidious, like the beauty inside being their heart, rib cage, stomach? Hmmm, perhaps I have underestimated her

Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police

So what are we doing wrong to our kids to make them behave in such an anti scoial manner? I have an idea... take a look at the following picture. I believe it will be made very very clear......

[caption id="attachment_327" align="alignright" width="127" caption="Hmmm"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_328" align="alignleft" width="134" caption="curious"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_329" align="aligncenter" width="134" caption="ahhhh"][/caption]

To me, it seems pretty clear that when we take photos like these and then post it to literally millions of people on the internet, it is bound to affect our little ones, so when they turn into the teenage chavs, we only have ourselves to blame.

[caption id="attachment_352" align="alignleft" width="111" caption="I see, birds huh"][/caption]

One last point. If you are in the UK remember it is better to have tried and been happy slapped down, had your mug viewed by thousands on slappy internet sites and shown on the naional news, than not to try at all... apparently! If you are living in the US however, please note, he may look and act like Vanilla Ice, but the gun he's carrying is probably B.I.G's.

[caption id="attachment_335" align="alignright" width="150" caption="scary"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_349" align="alignright" width="112" caption="Ungh"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_339" align="alignnone" width="105" caption="erm..."][/caption]

At least he's not an Atheist

My mother is a Roman Catholic. She was born in a South American country and Latin American countries have strong religious convictions and deep connections with the Pope in Rome. I was brought up in England and was a choirboy in my local Roman Catholic church.

If you didnt know, the official religion of the UK is the 'Church of England', a protestant break-away from Rome, which started up when our most famous King, Henry VIII (he of 6 wives) wanted a divorce from his first wife Catherine of Aragon, to marry the beautiful Anne Boleyn. In the end it was a matter of convenience for Henry, and Martin Luther's protestant movement gained another kingdom in Europe.

The truth is however, that despite the "official religion" being Church of England, the true religion of the UK is apathy. Attendances in UK churches have all fallen, and when approached, most people deny god exists except in a very personal individual spiritualist way. It doesnt make them less moral, or less kind to each other, or less considerate, it just makes them less "religious".

I am however more inclined to Atheism. To me the whole religion thing seems implausible and uncomfortable. For a start, if we were to compare it to a scientific definition, we would have to provide reasonable theory, backed by verifiable facts and experiments. A scientific theory demands rules to be put into place. If one of these rules are broken then the theory breaks down, and you come up with a new one. A scientific theory moves and sways according to the verifiable facts we discover and repeat under scientific conditions. Some more zealous types would say that is one of sciences downfalls. How can you say that science will answer all your questions when it gets things wrong all the time. How long ago was it when science told us the world is flat! Well, we figured it out crazy person, and okay, it was wrong, but the theory changed. Hows about you changing your ideas on stoning your wife if she isnt a virgin, cos my fiance doesnt like the sound of that too much. I know, I know... that was written in a time when Men were Men, Women were worthless, and Sheep were nervous, well... to be honest sheep have always been nervous, but life is better now we have created lube.

Religion is a faith, a belief that certain acts happened, that certain prophesies will come true etc. etc. How do you repeat Jesus' miracles under scientific conditions... well in a hospital perhaps, but we are not exactly using the same method as he is claimed to have done. It's not like doctors can inject people with the spirit of god. If a scientific theory is proved wrong, you just move onto the next one, when have you ever heard of a religion packing in because they got it wrong.

Intelligent Design is a classic example. It basically says "How could you create something so complex as the gills on a mushroom without some grand creator or grand scheme." or to try and put it another way... If you find a sculpture, you can assume someone created it, but if you find a rock, you cant assume that someone created it. Something complex must be designed. And since we're complex, and the world is complex, and the universe is complex... you get it? Yes I agree, it all sounds like tripe, but this is what they want to put in school curriculums across the states as a counter argument to Darwin's theory of Evolution. The fact that there is no evidence whatsoever doesnt seem to bother them. The fact that the rest of the world thinks theyre nutters, and should any one of these kids leave the states to work abroad, and come out with this stuff they will be considered a laughing stock doesnt seem to bother them. Not a lot bothers them to be honest. Well, their newly democratically elected president chatting to the children across the country about responsibility, and staying off of drugs bothers them, but this garbage is perfectly fine.

Well, Mr Creationist and your intelligent Design buddies... there are many many examples of failed evolution, such as the Dodo, which was totally fine and never bothered to learn how to fly because with no land based natural predators, it had no reason to learn. That was until we came along and fried them all with chips and some ketchup. oops.

Thats a simple one, but there are literally thousands of examples of evolution, and only the blindest and most obtuse of zealots would deny that in our lifetimes alone there are countless examples of creatures changing their behaviour because of environmental factors, some of those changes even going so far as to metabolic changes within a few generations. On two Samoan Islands a parasite has been killing off the male members of the Blue Moon Butterfly. By the year 2001, the population of males was down to just 1%, within one year the butterflies had developed an immunity to the parasite and are now making a signficant comeback, up to 40% of the population are now males.

Stud Muffin

This happens with just one butterfly, a freak if you will, a butterfly genetically different to others finds itself with an advantage, like a child born with a bigger nose to allow more oxygen to the brain, or with incredibly attractive eyes to attract the best suitors. The butterfly finds it has immunity to the parasite, and when it reproduces, it passes on its defect to its offspring, all of which in turn pass it on until the whole species is parasite free. Meanwhile the butterflies without the immunity die off. This happened across 10 generations or just under one year.

Proof that evolution is real, and works everyday. And also proof that butterflies can really get around when they want to.

Thats verifiable proof, compared to your 'we found a 2000 year old book and it says the world was created in 7 days, so there' its pretty convincing to me.

Now more reasoned debaters will say that Evolution is a mechanism that God uses to influence change. This is a sensible assumption. After all science can only take us to the big bang before it asks the question of "yeah okay, but how did that start?". To me though, the jump from an "originator" to a higher omnipotent power than benevolently watches over us, cares for us, listens to our prayers, will take us away to a new and different and beautiful world when we die and gives his son to forgive our sins, even the ones we havent done yet, is too great a leap for me. It's like saying we know that gravity exists, so naturally, it must be the giant vacuum cleaner who teaches us by his example that we must remove dirt from our homes and keep our floors clean, because cleanliness in next to godliness and to have a clean home is truly an honour to the great Hoover in the sky. And whilst we're at it, we should all exalt at the great sucky one for giving us moral guidelines on keeping our houses free of dirt, something we would never have figured out on our own.

It's pretty much what the romans did, having a god for everything they didnt understand.

Some people say that you might as well believe in god because if it is true then at least youre in with the right bunch, but then you have to ask which god? If you believe in Jesus, then youre stuffed if Allah happened to be true. What if theyre all wrong. What if God is just playing a cosmic game of Sim City? It makes some sense, after all whenever I play Sim City, I inevitably get bored after a while and decide to set off a volcano, just for a laugh. The fact is that for all we know you might as well believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now please be careful here, because I have met a few of these Pastafarians, and they're a tough bunch... take the mickey at your own risk, but personally I dont wanna noodle with any of them. They got big Meatballs!

The Flying Spaghetti Monster was created by Bobby Henderson in 2005 as a rebuttal to the move to teach creationism and intelligent design as an alternative to Darwin's theory of evolution in Kansas. In his open letter to the school board he wrote...

"I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."

Check out the open letter, Wikipedia's facts, and the fabulous Venganza website which also reports any sightings of the great ones noodly appendages below.

http://www.venganza.org/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/

However, say the christians, there are no eye witness reports of the flying spaghetti monster curing the sick in Jerusalem over 2000 years ago. No, there arent. And it's not like Jesus was only found in one book. In the Koran he turns up as an important guy, not the main dude mind you, but important nonetheless, so why shouldnt I believe in him, well the truth is that I do believe that Jesus existed.

Brains!

I'm just not a believer that he was born of a virgin, that he healed the sick just by touching them, that he fed 5000 with a few loaves and some wine, that he didnt drink or eat for 40 days, that he was the son of god and most of all that he came back to life, walked around a bit, met a few of the old gang and didnt get shot in the head by americans!

I dont believe that the eye witnesses were unbiased and that their evidence would stand up in court today. I dont believe we would accept the claims made by his disciples, just as we dont believe some of the rubbish that comes out today. There was a football commentator not so long ago who found faith, and announced to the world that at the age of 45 he realised he was the Son of God come back to earth for the second time and we should all bow down and follow him... Yeah right! David Icke was his name, and spouting rubbish turned out to be his game. Personally I think he was better off sticking with football, but either way he was certainly entertaining for a few weeks.

Then theres the question of authenticity. The bible does seem excessively sexist. Does God really want us to treat women so poorly. I just struggle to believe it. My fiance would flip her lid if I treated her the way the bible teaches. I would move from man to eunuch in minutes. It's not very PC when it comes to racism either. Labelling people almost in every chapter. Just imagine for a second if you happened to be one of the pharisees, a land owner and local despot, but overall a nice guy who treated his staff good, well, didnt whip them for spilling the wine, who only taxed people who still had arms to break, and maybe once a month would have a pretty burning at the stake followed by a barbeque and punch for the gathering crowd, no point in wasting the meat ... Oops, no chance sunshine, you're going to hell. Bummer!

Does it not bother anyone else that St Paul, who never ever met Jesus, wrote nearly half of the New Testament, and edited the rest? Im not saying the word bias... Im Implying it. Actually now I'm saying it, but perhaps "Artistic Licence" is better. The Christian Zealots online tell me however that the will of God was acting through Paul when the Council of Nicaea met (yes, Dan Brown did get that bit right int he Da Vinci Code.) I told my fiance it was the will of god that we got freaky deaky with the chocolate body paint last night, but clearly she isnt as religious as me!

Now, yesterday I went to a mall in Oklahoma. To my complete surprise I saw not one or two, but over ten t-shirts featuring peoples love and devotion to their god, their christian god. I say christian god because I have no idea how much blood would have been shed if one of them had a baseball cap saying "Wake up blessed! Sleep with a Muslim", or if another had "Muslim Ninja" written on her shorts, or even "Muslims wanted! It's a tough job, but the retirement plan is unbelievable!" written over his t-shirt.

One guy had a tattoo with jesus on the cross on his left arm. I dont really mind people exhibiting their beliefs. I do object to them telling me their devotion to something I consider as real as the tooth fairy, is more important than, say my devotion to watching the international football match, but that kind of comment gets said on an individual basis. I dont have swathes of christians protesting me every morning I turn on the soccer channel, just the odd one or two less reasonable ones getting in my face. Odd though, i'm sure there's a whole bunch of stuff in the Bible about being non-judgemental, clearly you can take the judge out of the judgemental...

Most people leave me alone though, and rarely threaten me with a one-way ticket to hell

My real question though, is that if I were to wear a t-shirt that said "God Doesnt Exist" or "The devil doesnt scare me" or even... "Whilst youre at church I will be having sex!", how many people would come up to me and complain. In the Jackass movie, some guy dressed as the devil practically got beat up for "being offensive". Never mind that seeing t-shirt after t-shirt with religious propaganda might offend me. They all have "religious freedom to express themselves", what about my religious freedom to not be approached randomly in the streets by rabid god-praising carol singers, or have my dinner interrupted by fervent door-to-door salesmen offering me magazines that will save my soul from eternal damnation. What about my freedom to have a little bit of help and support without being drafted into some pseudo-charitable superstition.

It occurs to me that whilst It is clearly not a great time to be a Muslim in america, it's not a good time to be an Atheist anywhere. With no rights, no voice, no representatives, how can we bring some common sense to things. I dont want my world blown up by crazy religious nutters from any denomination. I dont care which team they support. I have had to watch the last 100 years my closest neighbour Ireland tear itself apart over a stupid pointless religious war, and they were on the same side.

I dont need that kind of stupidity affecting my world. Dont we have enough on our plate trying to cope with the effects of Corporate Control, Global Warming, International Drugs Cartels, People Trafficking, the Energy Crisis, Environmentalism, Faltering Economies, Over-extended Banking Institutions, Despotism, Racial and Sexual Prejudice, Serial Killers, Rapists, Pedophiles and Talk Show Hosts.

I ask, I beg, I plead... cant we all combine our great resources, skills, talents and abilities and do something really useful for society, like do something, anything about 'Chavs'. Put them on an island and wait for 200 years before getting beaten at sport by them and then pretending we liked them all along and since we've messed everywhere else up can we please move there, please, please!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav

An Englishman in New York

Okay, Okay... I'm not in New York, but An Englishman in Oklahoma City doesnt work.

So, I just wanted to tell you how my trip has panned out, a random morning in my random life. A brief description of the differences between the English way and the American way.

Gerroff!

First, I woke up at 5am. I didnt intend to, but its hot here, much hotter than in the UK, which means I'm not used to it. So naturally when I try to sleep under the covers I end up sweating a couple pounds away in the night. I do the smart thing therefore, I sleep on top of the covers and keep nicely cool especially when the air conditioning kicks in.... .hmmmm. Anyhow, as I said I woke up at 5am... not because I wanted to, but because clearly my totally exposed bottom is too much of a temptation for the kitten that owns the flat. At 5am exactly, the miniature fluffball that I shall call 'Damian' decided to crawl up my body and paw-pad my bum. I dont know why its called paw-padding, the damned feline was using the sharp end of its claws!

So having screamed at the top of my voice, waking the entire house up, running to the bathroom to see if I was bleeding and washing myself down with cold water to get over the shock, I return to the bed and to sleep, which is now uncomfortably sweaty cos I'm terrified of being minced again. Naturally my fiance gives me as much sympathy as I will next time she sees a spider.

At 7:30am the skiddles decide that enough is enough and I must be put to my proper use. No more sleeping allowed, now I have become a climbing frame. They leap on top of me with the athletic ability of the russian gymnasium team, and just like a pack of lions ripping through a dead gaselle, they rip through the last of my dreams and bring me to a bumpy reality.

Very Useful

I stumble into the bathroom for my morning ablutions. Now I have to tell you, bathrooms, and more specifically toilets... are different in the UK. If anyone is coming over here for a holiday, you must be prepared for this. The water lever in the toilet bowl is much much higher than in the UK. I shall say that again to re-emphasise it. The toilet water level is much much higher than in the UK.

Now (I am trying to be delicate here) in britain we may occasionally miss our target, and cause a little smearing on the lower bowl, but this is easily cleared up with a quick wipe of the loo brush. In the USA, it appears the higher water level avoids this problem completely. However, this causes three other unexpected problems.

First and least worrying is that with a low water level, any toilet paper disgarded generally covers any deposits left in the bowl, so when you turn to flush, you see nothing. You can look carefully into the depths of the bowl with the only thing on your mind being 'I wonder how many sheets they use in Africa?', but with a higher water level, there is more surface area, and if you arent very careful at looking sternly forward at all times, you may accidentally discover floaty things! Before you know it you have lunged for the flusher and vowed to yourself you will never again use a toilet on the USA, well that or you will never eat again. Perhaps thats why the models are so skinny. hmmmm. I am telling you, because if you arent expecting it....

Very Teethy

The second problem is considerably more significant. With a water level only an inch lower than your bottom, you really dont want to stray too far on your reach.... below! Especially in a supermarket toilet, which are unbelievably clean by the way. My beautiful fiance was convinced I had gotten lost when I finally emerged out of the loo. How could i tell her that I had been touched by the hand of pooh and had spent the next 2 hours scrubbing myself clean.

Finally there is the sound issue. With a higher water level a man... I cant go for the noise reducing, china hitting pee. Instead I have to aim for the much noisier water hitting pee. So the middle of the night pee is like betting it all on black. I have no idea whether my girl will wake up and if she does what will she think. Quite honestly, even though we are engaged, there's still only so much reality a girl can take. Worst still what if she is not impressed... what if she thinks a true man should be able to hold more in his bladder... okay, now that is bothering me.

Anyhow, after I get dressed we decide to pop out for breakfast. I wrote about breakfast before, a full english breakfast in a greasy spoon cafe, but instead of that humbling and risky adventure into botchulism and listeria we went to an 'all you can eat' breakfast place, where the kids took their plates and filled them sky high with a healthy old fashioned breakfast of gummybears, jelly beans and chocolate mousse. My fiance and I were far more reserved, having a giant omelet followed by mashed potatoes and half a cow.

This idea of the all you can eat, whatever you want style restaurants would be totally alien to the british public, as would only paying for your drinks once, and getting as many refills as you like. You dont even have to go anywhere to get it, The waitress brings the iced fizzypops, iced tea and coffee regularly ensuring you never run out. In fact the only thing you "run out" of in the USA appears to be time, because they seem to badger you to leave quickly once you have finished eating. This surprises me as in britain you can be the first person to arrive and last to leave and the staff wont bat an eyelid, having said that, the reason they wont bat an eyelid is probably because they are nowhere to be seen, either smoking out the back before sticking their fingers in the food in the kitchen.

Hmmm. I wonder?

Having "filled up" to a level totally unnatural to me, we wobble out to the people carrier (for 4 people?) and go off to town. Hmmm, town... yes thats more of a idea than an actual thing. Dont get me wrong. You can buy anything you want here, they have sizes going up to 6xxl! You can buy a pair of pants that look like a flag, or a flag that looks like a pair of pants! The trouble is that with the exception of a couple of 'malls' everywhere else is what we call a warehouse outlet store. Imagine Cribs Causway, without the shopping centre part, then imagine that on every street. The smallest shops are still massive.

In comparison we drove to the latin area the other day, and suddenly the whole place thrived with life. Music coming from every small shop, spanish being shouted across streets, and an explosion of colour and culture swamping you with its intimate and personal touch. The smells of meats being slow cooked in chillies, or peanuts being toasted in upside-down dustbin lids, almost make you want to swing your samba hips and dance with a mexican passion. The culture shock hits you once again, as you find yourself trying foods from a street market stall that you would only risk at the state fayre.

Just a few miles later though we drive to another area where OKC hits you with surprisingly interesting streets filled with ambitious personalised houses that Prince Charles could only ever yearn for. The archetecture is all over the place but that doesnt seem to matter, as each and every owner seems to have put their own stamp on their buildings. English names like Dunroamin are dismissed for the far more extravagant Rivendell Ranch, Klingon's Castle or Hogwarts Hollow! What you have is houses that wish they were made a hundred years ago next to homes that look like they belong in science fiction novels. Its fascinating, and kind of fun.

Wookies Hole?

All-in-all though the experience is surprising different, and I still feel culture shock coming here. From the incredibly flat landscape and the ridiculously straight roads, to the vibrant specks of culture, music, art and powerful bostonian archetecture, there is always something dramatic to look at. And I have yet to meet an american I didnt like a little.

They are a little naive about the rest of the world, and some are a little closed off too, but they greet you warmly, normally with a little food and a big smile. They let you talk even if they dont have a clue what you're saying, they often enjoy your opinion even if they think you are wrong. And they always make you feel welcome.

For me there is no doubt. I am definitely warming to this big old state, and even if im not ready to don a baseball cap, drive a truck and buy a rifle, I am just about ready face my own personal prejudices. And perhaps its time for me to make a little lemonade, and invite a few people round for a barbeque... do they even have briquettes here?

Chicken Leg anyone?

An Englishman in New York

Okay, Okay... I'm not in New York, but An Englishman in Oklahoma City doesnt work.

So, I just wanted to tell you how my trip has panned out, a random morning in my random life. A brief description of  the differences between the English way and the American way.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Gerroff!"][/caption]

First, I woke up at 5am. I didnt intend to, but its hot here, much hotter than in the UK, which means I'm not used to it. So naturally when I try to sleep under the covers I end up sweating a couple pounds away in the night. I do the smart thing therefore, I sleep on top of the covers and keep nicely cool especially when the air conditioning kicks in.... .hmmmm. Anyhow, as I said I woke up at 5am... not because I wanted to, but because clearly my totally exposed bottom is too much of a temptation for the kitten that owns the flat. At 5am exactly, the miniature fluffball that I shall call 'Damian' decided to crawl up my body and paw-pad my bum. I dont know why its called paw-padding, the damned feline was using the sharp end of its claws!

So having screamed at the top of my voice, waking the entire house up, running to the bathroom to see if I was bleeding and washing myself down with cold water to get over the shock, I return to the bed and to sleep, which is now uncomfortably sweaty cos I'm terrified of being minced again. Naturally my fiance gives me as much sympathy as I will next time she sees a spider.

At 7:30am the skiddles decide that enough is enough and I must be put to my proper use. No more sleeping allowed, now I have become a climbing frame. They leap on top of me with the athletic ability of the russian gymnasium team, and just like a pack of lions ripping through a dead gaselle, they rip through the last of my dreams and bring me to a bumpy reality.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="233" caption="Very Useful"][/caption]

I stumble into the bathroom for my morning ablutions. Now I have to tell you, bathrooms, and more specifically toilets... are different in the UK. If anyone is coming over here for a holiday, you must be prepared for this. The water lever in the toilet bowl is much much higher than in the UK. I shall say that again to re-emphasise it. The toilet water level is much much higher than in the UK.

Now (I am trying to be delicate here) in britain we may occasionally miss our target, and cause a little smearing on the lower bowl, but this is easily cleared up with a quick wipe of the loo brush. In the USA, it appears the higher water level avoids this problem completely. However, this causes three other unexpected problems.

First and least worrying is that with a low water level, any toilet paper disgarded generally covers any deposits left in the bowl, so when you turn to flush, you see nothing. You can look carefully into the depths of the bowl with the only thing on your mind being 'I wonder how many sheets they use in Africa?', but with a higher water level, there is more surface area, and if you arent very careful at looking sternly forward at all times, you may accidentally discover floaty things! Before you know it you have lunged for the flusher and vowed to yourself you will never again use a toilet on the USA, well that or you will never eat again. Perhaps thats why the models are so skinny. hmmmm. I am telling you, because if you arent expecting it....

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="330" caption="Very Teethy"][/caption]

The second problem is considerably more significant. With a water level only an inch lower than your bottom, you really dont want to stray too far on your reach.... below! Especially in a supermarket toilet, which are unbelievably clean by the way. My beautiful fiance was convinced I had gotten lost when I finally emerged out of the loo. How could i tell her that I had been touched by the hand of pooh and had spent the next 2 hours scrubbing myself clean.

Finally there is the sound issue. With a higher water level a man... I cant go for the noise reducing, china hitting pee. Instead I have to aim for the much noisier water hitting pee. So the middle of the night pee is like betting it all on black. I have no idea whether my girl will wake up and if she does what will she think. Quite honestly, even though we are engaged, there's still only so much reality a girl can take. Worst still what if she is not impressed... what if she thinks a true man should be able to hold more in his bladder... okay, now that is bothering me.

Anyhow, after I get dressed we decide to pop out for breakfast. I wrote about breakfast before, a full english breakfast in a greasy spoon cafe, but instead of that humbling and risky adventure into botchulism and listeria we went to an 'all you can eat' breakfast place, where the kids took their plates and filled them sky high with a healthy old fashioned breakfast of gummybears, jelly beans and chocolate mousse. My fiance and I were far more reserved, having a giant omelet followed by mashed potatoes and half a cow.

This idea of the all you can eat, whatever you want style restaurants would be totally alien to the british public, as would only paying for your drinks once, and getting as many refills as you like. You dont even have to go anywhere to get it, The waitress brings the iced fizzypops, iced tea and coffee regularly ensuring you never run out. In fact the only thing you "run out" of in the USA appears to be time, because they seem to badger you to leave quickly once you have finished eating. This surprises me as in britain you can be the first person to arrive and last to leave and the staff wont bat an eyelid, having said that, the reason they wont bat an eyelid is probably because they are nowhere to be seen, either smoking out the back before sticking their fingers in the food in the kitchen.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="245" caption="Hmmm. I wonder?"][/caption]

Having "filled up" to a level totally unnatural to me, we wobble out to the people carrier (for 4 people?) and go off to town. Hmmm, town... yes thats more of a idea than an actual thing. Dont get me wrong. You can buy anything you want here, they have sizes going up to 6xxl! You can buy a pair of pants that look like a flag, or a flag that looks like a pair of pants! The trouble is that with the exception of a couple of 'malls' everywhere else is what we call a warehouse outlet store. Imagine Cribs Causway, without the shopping centre part, then imagine that on every street. The smallest shops are still massive.

In comparison we drove to the latin area the other day, and suddenly the whole place thrived with life. Music coming from every small shop, spanish being shouted across streets, and an explosion of colour and culture swamping you with its intimate and personal touch. The smells of meats being slow cooked in chillies, or peanuts being toasted in upside-down dustbin lids, almost make you want to swing your samba hips and dance with a mexican passion. The culture shock hits you once again, as you find yourself trying foods from a street market stall that you would only risk at the state fayre.

Just a few miles later though we drive to another area where OKC hits you with surprisingly interesting streets filled with ambitious personalised houses that Prince Charles could only ever yearn for. The archetecture is all over the place but that doesnt seem to matter, as each and every owner seems to have put their own stamp on their buildings. English names like Dunroamin are dismissed for the far more extravagant Rivendell Ranch, Klingon's Castle or Hogwarts Hollow! What you have is houses that wish they were made a hundred years ago next to homes that look like they belong in science fiction novels. Its fascinating, and kind of fun.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="280" caption="Wookies Hole?"][/caption]

All-in-all though the experience is surprising different, and I still feel culture shock coming here. From the incredibly flat landscape and the ridiculously straight roads, to the vibrant specks of culture, music, art and powerful bostonian archetecture, there is always something dramatic to look at. And I have yet to meet an american I didnt like a little.

They are a little naive about the rest of the world, and some are a little closed off too, but they greet you warmly, normally with a little food and a big smile. They let you talk even if they dont have a clue what you're saying, they often enjoy your opinion even if they think you are wrong. And they always make you feel welcome.

For me there is no doubt. I am definitely warming to this big old state, and even if im not ready to don a baseball cap, drive a truck and buy a rifle, I am just about ready face my own personal prejudices. And perhaps its time for me to make a little lemonade, and invite a few people round for a barbeque... do they even have briquettes here?

[caption id="attachment_281" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Chicken Leg anyone?"][/caption]

At least he's not an atheist.

My mother is a Roman Catholic. She was born in a South American country and Latin American countries have strong religious convictions and deep connections with the Pope in Rome. I was brought up in England and was a choirboy in my local Roman Catholic church.

If you didnt know, the official religion of the UK is the 'Church of England', a protestant break-away from Rome, which started up when our most famous King, Henry VIII (he of 6 wives) wanted a divorce from his first wife Catherine of Aragon, to marry the beautiful Anne Boleyn. In the end it was a matter of convenience for Henry, and Martin Luther's protestant movement gained another kingdom in Europe.

The truth is however, that despite the "official religion" being Church of England, the true religion of the UK is apathy. Attendances in UK churches have all fallen, and when approached, most people deny god exists except in a very personal individual spiritualist way. It doesnt make them less moral, or less kind to each other, or less considerate, it just makes them less "religious".

I am however more inclined to Atheism. To me the whole religion thing seems implausible and uncomfortable. For a start, if we were to compare it to a scientific definition, we would have to provide reasonable theory, backed by verifiable facts and experiments. A scientific theory demands rules to be put into place. If one of these rules are broken then the theory breaks down, and you come up with a new one. A scientific theory moves and sways according to the verifiable facts we discover and repeat under scientific conditions. Some more zealous types would say that is one of sciences downfalls. How can you say that science will answer all your questions when it gets things wrong all the time. How long ago was it when science told us the world is flat! Well, we figured it out crazy person, and okay, it was wrong, but the theory changed. Hows about you changing your ideas on stoning your wife if she isnt a virgin, cos my fiance doesnt like the sound of that too much. I know, I know... that was written in a time when Men were Men, Women were worthless, and Sheep were nervous, well... to be honest sheep have always been nervous, but life is better now we have created lube.

Religion is a faith, a belief that certain acts happened, that certain prophesies will come true etc. etc. How do you repeat Jesus' miracles under scientific conditions... well in a hospital perhaps, but we are not exactly using the same method as he is claimed to have done. It's not like doctors can inject people with the spirit of god. If a scientific theory is proved wrong, you just move onto the next one, when have you ever heard of a religion packing in because they got it wrong.

Intelligent Design is a classic example. It basically says "How could you create something so complex as the gills on a mushroom without some grand creator or grand scheme." or to try and put it another way... If you find a sculpture, you can assume someone created it, but if you find a rock, you cant assume that someone created it. Something complex must be designed. And since we're complex, and the world is complex, and the universe is complex... you get it? Yes I agree, it all sounds like tripe, but this is what they want to put in school curriculums across the states as a counter argument to Darwin's theory of Evolution. The fact that there is no evidence whatsoever doesnt seem to bother them. The fact that the rest of the world thinks theyre nutters, and should any one of these kids leave the states to work abroad, and come out with this stuff they will be considered a laughing stock doesnt seem to bother them. Not a lot bothers them to be honest. Well, their newly democratically elected president chatting to the children across the country about responsibility, and staying off of drugs bothers them, but this garbage is perfectly fine.

Well, Mr Creationist and your intelligent Design buddies... there are many many examples of failed evolution, such as the Dodo, which was totally fine and never bothered to learn how to fly because with no land based natural predators, it had no reason to learn. That was until we came along and fried them all with chips and some ketchup. oops.

Thats a simple one, but there are literally thousands of examples of evolution, and only the blindest and most obtuse of zealots would deny that in our lifetimes alone there are countless examples of creatures changing their behaviour because of environmental factors, some of those changes even going so far as to metabolic changes within a few generations. On two Samoan Islands a parasite has been killing off the male members of the Blue Moon Butterfly. By the year 2001, the population of males was down to just 1%, within one year the butterflies had developed an immunity to the parasite and are now making a signficant comeback, up to 40% of the population are now males.

[caption id="attachment_265" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Stud Muffin"][/caption]

This happens with just one butterfly, a freak if you will, a butterfly genetically different to others finds itself with an advantage, like a child born with a bigger nose to allow more oxygen to the brain, or with incredibly attractive eyes to attract the best suitors. The butterfly finds it has immunity to the parasite, and when it reproduces, it passes on its defect to its offspring, all of which in turn pass it on until the whole species is parasite free. Meanwhile the butterflies without the immunity die off. This happened across 10 generations or just under one year.

Proof that evolution is real, and works everyday. And also proof that butterflies can really get around when they want to.

Thats verifiable proof, compared to your 'we found a 2000 year old book and it says the world was created in 7 days, so there' its pretty convincing to me.

Now more reasoned debaters will say that Evolution is a mechanism that God uses to influence change. This is a sensible assumption. After all science can only take us to the big bang before it asks the question of "yeah okay, but how did that start?". To me though, the jump from an "originator" to a higher omnipotent power than benevolently watches over us, cares for us, listens to our prayers, will take us away to a new and different and beautiful world when we die and gives his son to forgive our sins, even the ones we havent done yet, is too great a leap for me.  It's like saying we know that gravity exists, so naturally, it must be the giant vacuum cleaner who teaches us by his example that we must remove dirt from our homes and keep our floors clean, because cleanliness in next to godliness and to have a clean home is truly an honour to the great Hoover in the sky. And whilst we're at it, we should all exalt at the great sucky one for giving us moral guidelines on keeping our houses free of dirt, something we would never have figured out on our own.

It's pretty much what the romans did, having a god for everything they didnt understand.

Some people say that you might as well believe in god because if it is true then at least youre in with the right bunch, but then you have to ask which god? If you believe in Jesus, then youre stuffed if Allah happened to be true. What if theyre all wrong. What if God is just playing a cosmic game of Sim City? It makes some sense, after all whenever I play Sim City, I inevitably get bored after a while and decide to set off a volcano, just for a laugh. The fact is that for all we know you might as well believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now please be careful here, because I have met a few of these Pastafarians, and they're a tough bunch... take the mickey at your own risk, but personally I dont wanna noodle with any of them. They got big Meatballs!

The Flying Spaghetti Monster was created by Bobby Henderson in 2005 as a rebuttal to the move to teach creationism and intelligent design as an alternative to Darwin's theory of evolution in Kansas. In his open letter to the school board he wrote...

"I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."

Check out the open letter, Wikipedia's facts, and the fabulous Venganza website which also reports any sightings of the great ones noodly appendages below.

http://www.venganza.org/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/

However, say the christians, there are no eye witness reports of the flying spaghetti monster curing the sick in Jerusalem over 2000 years ago. No, there arent. And it's not like Jesus was only found in one book. In the Koran he turns up as an important guy, not the main dude mind you, but important nonetheless, so why shouldnt I believe in him, well the truth is that I do believe that Jesus existed.

[caption id="attachment_267" align="alignright" width="187" caption="Brains!"][/caption]

I'm just not a believer that he was born of a virgin, that he healed the sick just by touching them, that he fed 5000 with a few loaves and some wine, that he didnt drink or eat for 40 days, that he was the son of god and most of all that he came back to life, walked around a bit, met a few of the old gang and didnt get shot in the head by americans!

I dont believe that the eye witnesses were unbiased and that their evidence would stand up in court today. I dont believe we would accept the claims made by his disciples, just as we dont believe some of the rubbish that comes out today. There was a football commentator not so long ago who found faith, and announced to the world that at the age of 45 he realised he was the Son of God come back to earth for the second time and we should all bow down and follow him... Yeah right! David Icke was his name, and spouting rubbish turned out to be his game.  Personally I think he was better off sticking with football, but either way he was certainly entertaining for a few weeks.

Then theres the question of authenticity. The bible does seem excessively sexist. Does God really want us to treat women so poorly. I just struggle to believe it. My fiance would flip her lid if I treated her the way the bible teaches. I would move from man to eunuch in minutes. It's not very PC when it comes to racism either. Labelling people almost in every chapter. Just imagine for a second if you happened to be one of the pharisees, a land owner and local despot, but overall a nice guy who treated his staff good, well, didnt whip them for spilling the wine, who only taxed people who still had arms to break, and maybe once a month would have a pretty burning at the stake followed by a barbeque and punch for the gathering crowd, no point in wasting the meat ... Oops, no chance sunshine, you're going to hell. Bummer!

Does it not bother anyone else that St Paul, who never ever met Jesus, wrote nearly half of the New Testament, and edited the rest? Im not saying the word bias... Im Implying it. Actually now I'm saying it, but perhaps "Artistic Licence" is better. The Christian Zealots online tell me however that the will of God was acting through Paul when the Council of Nicaea met (yes, Dan Brown did get that bit right int he Da Vinci Code.) I told my fiance it was the will of god that we got freaky deaky with the chocolate body paint last night, but clearly she isnt as religious as me!

Now, yesterday I went to a mall in Oklahoma. To my complete surprise I saw not one or two, but over ten t-shirts featuring peoples love and devotion to their god, their christian god. I say christian god because I have no idea how much blood would have been shed if one of them had a baseball cap saying "Wake up blessed! Sleep with a Muslim", or if another had "Muslim Ninja" written on her shorts, or even "Muslims wanted! It's a tough job, but the retirement plan is unbelievable!" written over his t-shirt.

One guy had a tattoo with jesus on the cross on his left arm. I dont really mind people exhibiting their beliefs. I do object to them telling me their devotion to something I consider as real as the tooth fairy, is more important than, say my devotion to watching the international football match, but that kind of comment gets said on an individual basis. I dont have swathes of christians protesting me every morning I turn on the soccer channel, just the odd one or two less reasonable ones getting in my face. Odd though, i'm sure there's a whole bunch of stuff in the Bible about being non-judgemental, clearly you can take the judge out of the judgemental...

Most people leave me alone though, and rarely threaten me with a one-way ticket to hell

My real question though, is that if I were to wear a t-shirt that said "God Doesnt Exist" or "The devil doesnt scare me" or even... "Whilst youre at church I will be having sex!", how many people would come up to me and complain. In the Jackass movie, some guy dressed as the devil practically got beat up for "being offensive". Never mind that seeing t-shirt after t-shirt with religious propaganda might offend me. They all have "religious freedom to express themselves", what about my religious freedom to not be approached randomly in the streets by rabid god-praising carol singers, or have my dinner interrupted by fervent door-to-door salesmen offering me magazines that will save my soul from eternal damnation. What about my freedom to have a little bit of help and support without being drafted into some pseudo-charitable superstition.

It occurs to me that whilst It is clearly not a great time to be a Muslim in america, it's not a good time to be an Atheist anywhere. With no rights, no voice, no representatives, how can we bring some common sense to things. I dont want my world blown up by crazy religious nutters from any denomination. I dont care which team they support. I have had to watch the last 100 years my closest neighbour Ireland tear itself apart over a stupid pointless religious war, and they were on the same side.

I dont need that kind of stupidity affecting my world. Dont we have enough on our plate trying to cope with the effects of Corporate Control, Global Warming, International Drugs Cartels, People Trafficking, the Energy Crisis, Environmentalism, Faltering Economies, Over-extended Banking Institutions, Despotism, Racial and Sexual Prejudice, Serial Killers, Rapists, Pedophiles and Talk Show Hosts.

I ask, I beg, I plead... cant we all combine our great resources, skills, talents and abilities and do something really useful for society, like do something, anything about 'Chavs'. Put them on an island and wait for 200 years before getting beaten at sport by them and then pretending we liked them all along and since we've messed everywhere else up can we please move there, please, please!

[caption id="attachment_260" align="alignnone" width="460" caption="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav"][/caption]