Week 2: My Rambling Disaster

My Rambling Disaster

Now you may find this amusing I can tell you for a fact it was not.

In my redoubled efforts to lose weight I have taken up walking. Everyday I walk up my hill and around the rim before going back down again breathlessly to the car. The walk in total is only about 2 miles disappointingly, but you do climb 350 feet, so it's not easy for a fatboy like myself. When you reach the top the view is spectacular and you get a very real sense of history as you look down the ramparts. It's not hard to imagine marauding attackers trying to mount its hillocks. nowadays its home to hungry sheep and crazy ramblers.

So yesterday, I had reached the top of the hill at about 6.30pm, a time I can only suggest is rush hour on Maiden Castle, complete with Mums and Dads, small children and dogs, complete with kite fliers and ramblers.

Now my beautiful fiancée has a habit of calling me at inconvenient moments, she calls me when I'm on the loo, she calls me in the middle of an argument, and she calls me when I'm in the bath. Yesterday she called me up the hill. I was about as far away from the car as I could have been. Now it's very windy up there, and she wanted to talk. It took me about two seconds to realise I couldn't walk and talk at the same time. There was simply too much background noise. I had no choice but to sit down and create a little shelter.

Now when I walk, I have to pull up my shorts. They are nicely big on me and feel comfortable most of the time, but I buy bigger shorts because I find the shorts that fit when you are stood up, tend not to fit so well when you are sat down. When I am walking however, they have a tendency to slip down and I end up looking like a teenager destined to get piles. So naturally I pull them up, over my belly. There they stay securely in position. Perfect. When I sit down in a rush however, if my shorts arent pulled down to under my belly, they stretch when they shouldn't. This normally causes me to feel like I have been sliced in two by a cheese wire. This time however, my button gave up the ghost completely. I can still see the sun glisten against the shiny brass, as it flew off down the hill.

One thing that most plus size men don't tell you about is the problem with loose fly. Effectively zips have a habit of flying south a little too often. It's an easily managed problem normally, but with no top button it does present a challenge.

So imagine my predicament. Up, on top of my hill, with a pair of shorts that are desperate to be free, with a number of young families and dogs roaming around, and sheep running away at every turn. I planted my hands deeply in my pockets and kept them there for he entire journey down (with the odd discrete zip-up), trying to look as nonchalantly cool as I can. No mean feat.

My subterfuge nearly worked too, if it wasn't for an over enthusiastic labrador, who thought now was a good time to leap up on me. His owner, an elderly couple, rushed over to help me but stopped at the last when my exposure was revealed. I had to tell them the whole story so as not to look like a sheep-fancier, but I'm definitely not sure I convinced them. What are two elderly people doing with such a strong dog anyway?

So embarrassed and ashamed I returned to my car and hid.

I am walking up my hill again today. I hope I don't meet them again. I just can't take it twice.

Being Good

As you can tell, lots of exercise. I felt like someone had stolen my calf muscles on Saturday, and replaced them with solid rubber, because I couldn't bend my legs at all, but by Monday I was all back to normal.

Being Bad

Not too bad actually. I may have eaten a couple of chocolate covered ice creams, but I have also made sure I have eaten little and often. Little being the key. Plenty of salad and fish.

A New Start

Looking back on the few weeks I worked on my weight, I noticed the depression building up in me. When I gave up smoking it took me a few tries to go cold turkey before I actually went cold turkey. I knew I could do it, I just hadn't yet. I think that's how it works sometimes. You want something to happen but you have yet to resolve for it to happen. Your determination isn't complete yet.

I felt more and more depressed about my lack of weight loss, its true, and the more I read up on the effects that swimming has in particular (for toning but not for weight loss), which has always been the one exercise I could do okay at, the more own I felt unhappy. It's astounding how easy it is to fall off a wagon you don't think you can stay on.

There is a significant problem about exercise. Good exercise makes you sweat, but as we have learnt, it also makes you hungry, hence you need good diet too. The problem I have is that I find my muscles tighten up and cramp up before I get sweating. My lungs squeeze and suck an increasingly audible and some what painful levels. My knees cramp up and my back stabs me in the back. I want a solution, but I can only presume the little and often idea holds firm.

In my readings walking is said to be the best thing, a brisk walk preferably. I'm not walking up my hill briskly,perhaps I'll have a think about brisk walking.

Anyhow so I am back on the weight loss trail. I'm starting again, and this is therefore week 1, again. I know this entry is short for me, but I am still not happy I fell off the wagon and into a chocolate haze, but I'm okay now, lol, it wasn't that bad, but there was chocolate and mayonnaise and too much of stuff.

Finally I just want to say as I was walking up my hill in one direction, a lady her daughter and their tiny dog were walking up the other way. I saw them climbing the steep slopes. Her daughter was about 7 and clearly totally knackered on the way up. I could hear her petulantly saying "How much further is it mummy!". Her face was red and her breathing as hard as mine, and yet on the way down I saw them ahead of me, and she was literally running down the hill.

I don't know where the energy comes from. I wonder if she simply forgets how hard it was to climb, her body has forgotten how tired it is. Maybe this is the trick of clearing your mind completely. Whatever the reason I lamented the innocence of youth, and their abundant energy. Nothing is too far, or too long. You have to love them.

Being Good :

Walked up my hill today. First time since I snapped my Achilles. No problems with the foot now. I noticed the muscle above my right butt cheek hurt like hell on the way up, but not so bad once I rested at the top, and not so much as I went round the hill and down.

I played a few lanes of bowling on Monday, my right leg has been causing me problems all week, it just feels completely weak, but it can't be so bad. I made it up the hill after all.

Being Bad :

A New Start means I'm not going to dwell on it. Next week will be another story.

Stavros the fisherman and the Nasty Greedy Bankerman

This blog is inspired by the following. Once you've read mine, go check Webeneezers out.

http://webeneezerscrooge.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/the-matrix-meets-greece-2-stock-market-update/

Meet Stavros....

Stavros is a Greek Fisherman. He is sad.
He is sad because the restaurants won't buy his fish.

They won't buy the fish, because they don't have any customers. They don't have any customers because Greece doesn't have any tourists.

So what happened to the tourists?

Once upon a time everything was good. People were good, jobs were good, it was all good. Everyone was happy.

Then one day a rich millionaire bank owner said,
"You know we are all making loads-of-money... well lets make even more loads of money!"

"How can we make even more loads of money?", said the other rich millionaire bankers.
"Well," said the first "We have banks for the little people for safe keeping, and we have banks for the big people for the casino. We dont make much on the safekeeping, but we make loads-of-money at the casino! Why don't we take the little peoples money and spend that on the casino! Then we can make LOADS-of-money!"

"Great idea!" said the other rich bank owners, all except for one. This rich bank owner didnt have any big people money, just little people money. He couldn't make all the loads-of-money. "But I dont have any big people money and I dont want to risk the little peoples money on the casino. It's naughty and we will get told off"

"So what!" the others said as they went outside and had a party.
Now the banks made loads-of-money with the little peoples money, and things were great, the people were great, and the jobs were great.

But the banks all wanted to make EVEN MORE loads-of-money so, because they had made so much money already they offered the little people even cheaper loans so they could take the little peoples money and make even more loads-of-money.


But the rich banker millionaire with only little people money said "Hey, if I don't win on the casino then the little people will lose their money and then everyone will know what we have done with the little peoples money"

"So what!" the others said as they went outside and had a party.

Then one day, the rich banker billionaire with only little people money lost.

"NOOOO!", The others said "Now we will all get found out! If we buy the little peoples debts then no one will know!", so they bought the little peoples debts.

The trouble was that he wasn't the only rich banker millionaire that had been losing. They all had been losing, and now the only ones left were the really really rich banker millionaires, and they had all the little peoples debts.


And then one day the little people found out, and they were so worried that they went to the banks and asked for their keepsake money back.

The rich banker millionaires didn't have enough, so they asked the government for money. And the government provided it through taxing the little people.

The end...

Except it wasn't the end. Thousands of "little" people lost their jobs, and then their houses. And they couldn't go on holiday anymore to Greece.

You see the little people wanted a home of their own. So they went to the bank. They're Great!

And the bank said just fill in the "we want to borrow lots of money" form, but don't put in the real figure of your income because you won't get a mortgage.

So they did, and they got the mortgage, and then the banks went bust, and then the people lost their houses, and then people stopped going on holiday to Greece, and they stopped going into restaurants, and finally the restaurants stopped buying fish from Stavros.

So the President of Greece said we dont have any tax money. But we have to pay for the police and the hospitals. Lets talk to a big bank. Lets talk to Goldman Sachs. They're great!

Goldman Sachs told them to fill in the "we want to borrow money" form, but don't put your real income down, because you wont get it.

So they did, and they got the loans, but still nobody came to restaurants to buy the fish, and Stavros got poorer and poorer.

Until one day Greece said "if you dont help us, we will be bankrupt" and everyone went NOOOOO! Because if a country like Greece goes bankrupt then a country like Spain can go bankrupt and then the UK and then the US!!!

Then the whole world will be bankrupt. All except the rich banker millionaire who has all the money in the world.

So Stavros got angry and he went to Athens and told Greece.

"Why have you done this", and Greece said

"Because the banker told me." And Stavros said,

"But he told everyone else bad advice too".

And Greece said "I know, he is a Nasty Greedy Banker Man!"

And Stavros was very angry, but he could do nothing because the rich banker millionaire with all the money in the world is very rich and very powerful and owns everything.

So Stavros marched on the banker building to complain, and on his way he was joined by Carlos from Spain, Miguel from Portugal and Paddy from Ireland, and then more people joined, and more still until everyone went to the door of the Nasty Greedy Banker Man to complain.

And the Nasty Greedy Banker Man was scared. As he should have been because he was too greedy and people are hungry.

So he decided to give all the loads-of-money to all the people waiting outside his door. He shared it equally and promised never to be so greedy again.

Stavros is happy now.

The End.

(Can you tell it's a fairytale?)

There have been some very serious politicians, and there have been some not so serious politicians.

Inspired by the disappointing defeat of number one on my list, here is a list of a few of my favourites in no particular order. If you have any to add, let me know and I will add them to the list.

1. Lembit Opik

Elected in 1997 for Montgomeryshire, he held on to his seat til just yesterday. Only to turn up today laughing at himself on comedy news-quiz show Have I Got News For You.

He has appeared on Who wants to be a millionaire and The Apprentice for charity. He was romantically attached to Gabriela Irimia, one of the cheeky girls. In the national expenses scandal he was noticeably admonished for a variety of indiscrepancies one of which was claiming a £40 summons for non-payment of Council Tax.

Best Quotes;

"It does sound like a science fiction story and I may sound like one of these guys who walks up and down with a sandwich board saying the end of the world is nigh, but the end is nigh..."

"It's like giving a convicted man on trial the verdict and then saying 'are you happy with that?' "

2. Boris Johnson

Ex MP for Henley-On-Thames, ex-editor of The Spectator and Bullington Boy Boris is the current Mayor of London, and our host for the 2012 Olympics (God help us).

In 2003 Boris wrote in his Telegraph column that had stolen a cigar case from Tariq Aziz, a known associate of Saddam Hussain, who was in prison. Boris wrote that Aziz could have it back if he just asks.

He is often on TV appearing on shows as diverse as Top Gear to Eastenders. He has said that Liverpudlian were wallowing in victimhood, Papua New Guinea was an orgy of cannibalism and chief killing, and that Portsmouth was "one of the most depressed towns in Southern England.

Johnson rides his bike to work despite having his bike stolen several times. He has said he would like to plant decoy bikes around the city with nearby navy seals ready to catch the thieves.

Best Quotes;

"Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix, and stay conscious."

"Ok, I said to myself as I sighted the bird down the end of the gun. This time, my fine feathered friend, there is no escape."

"No one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw"

3. George W. Bush

The 43rd President of the United States left office in 2009. Having taken the US into a "War on Terrorism", he later ordered an invasion of Afghanistan and two years later Iraq.

Despite his declaring a state of emergency two days before Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, both the Department of Homeland Security and FEMA failed to act in time. It took Bush 4 days before he authorised troops to enter the city and help.

Best quotes; (Literally there are hundreds of fun quotes for him)

"You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on."

"The thing that's wrong with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."

"Most imports are from outside of the country"

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

4. Baghdad Bob/Comical Ali

Mohammed Said al-Sahhaf, later dubbed Baghdad Bob by the american newspapers and Comical Ali by the british press was known for his daily briefings during the Iraq War.

Whilst American tanks were patrolling the streets just a few hundred meters away, Al-Sahhaf told the world press there were no americans in Baghdad.

Best Quotes;

"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"

"What they say about a breakthrough is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."

"Everything is just fine."

5. Bob Dole

Bob Dole ran for election as President in 1996 against Bill Clinton, but despite failing he still holds he record for the longest-serving United States Senate Majority Leader.

Since his retirement he has become a commercial spokesman for Dunkin' Donuts, Pepsi-Cola (with Britney Spears) and Viagra, as well as doing The Daily Show, and sitcom Suddenly Susan.

Best Quotes;

"Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Oh, except maybe from time to time."

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."

"If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay"

6. Sarah Palin

In Sarah Palin's first term of office as Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska she famously kept a jar with the names of Wasilla residents on her desk. Once a week, she pulled a name from it and picked up the phone; she would ask: "How's the city doing?"

When Republican presidential hopeful John McCain plucked her into the american limelight in the 2009 election, no-one knew who this young brash Alaskan was, but just a couple of nationwide interviews later, including the famous "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?", and the whole world was aware that the republicans had a new kid on the block.

Best Quotes;

"They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan."

"I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't."

"Nucular"

7. Winston Churchill

Prime Minister during World War II, great orator and leader, Winston Churchill was also a fabulous wit. His many conversations with Lady Astor, the first woman MP in the House of Commons.

In a classic encounter between the two of them Lady Astor announced "You sir, are drunk!", to which he replied

"You madam are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober."

Best Quotes;

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

"Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed."

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

"The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it."

8. Silvio Berlusconi

The current Italian Prime Minister has held the role 3 times. He has an extensive record of criminal allegations, including mafia collusion, false accounting, tax fraud, corruption and bribery of police officers and judges, but as yet has not been convicted for any of them. Following the G8 conference in 2008 he said, "I'm the universal record-holder for the number of trials in the entire history of man – and also of other creatures who live on other planets."

In 2002, Berlusconi, made a vulgar gesture behind the head of the Spanish foreign minister, intimating he was a cuckold during an official photo shoot.

In 2005, said they should have the European Food Safety Authority in Italy rather than Finland because "the finnish didn't know what prosciutto is." And later that year when trying to justify American investment in Italy he said "we have the most beautiful secretaries in the world".

In 2006 he refuted that he had said Communists used to eat children, by saying, "they did not eat children, but had them boiled to fertilise the fields".

Best Quotes;

"If I, taking care of everyone's interests, also take care of my own, you can't talk about a conflict of interest."

"I'm not a traditional politician, and I have a sense of humor. I'll try to soften it and become boring, maybe even very boring, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to."