Week 2: My Rambling Disaster

My Rambling Disaster

Now you may find this amusing I can tell you for a fact it was not.

In my redoubled efforts to lose weight I have taken up walking. Everyday I walk up my hill and around the rim before going back down again breathlessly to the car. The walk in total is only about 2 miles disappointingly, but you do climb 350 feet, so it's not easy for a fatboy like myself. When you reach the top the view is spectacular and you get a very real sense of history as you look down the ramparts. It's not hard to imagine marauding attackers trying to mount its hillocks. nowadays its home to hungry sheep and crazy ramblers.

So yesterday, I had reached the top of the hill at about 6.30pm, a time I can only suggest is rush hour on Maiden Castle, complete with Mums and Dads, small children and dogs, complete with kite fliers and ramblers.

Now my beautiful fiancée has a habit of calling me at inconvenient moments, she calls me when I'm on the loo, she calls me in the middle of an argument, and she calls me when I'm in the bath. Yesterday she called me up the hill. I was about as far away from the car as I could have been. Now it's very windy up there, and she wanted to talk. It took me about two seconds to realise I couldn't walk and talk at the same time. There was simply too much background noise. I had no choice but to sit down and create a little shelter.

Now when I walk, I have to pull up my shorts. They are nicely big on me and feel comfortable most of the time, but I buy bigger shorts because I find the shorts that fit when you are stood up, tend not to fit so well when you are sat down. When I am walking however, they have a tendency to slip down and I end up looking like a teenager destined to get piles. So naturally I pull them up, over my belly. There they stay securely in position. Perfect. When I sit down in a rush however, if my shorts arent pulled down to under my belly, they stretch when they shouldn't. This normally causes me to feel like I have been sliced in two by a cheese wire. This time however, my button gave up the ghost completely. I can still see the sun glisten against the shiny brass, as it flew off down the hill.

One thing that most plus size men don't tell you about is the problem with loose fly. Effectively zips have a habit of flying south a little too often. It's an easily managed problem normally, but with no top button it does present a challenge.

So imagine my predicament. Up, on top of my hill, with a pair of shorts that are desperate to be free, with a number of young families and dogs roaming around, and sheep running away at every turn. I planted my hands deeply in my pockets and kept them there for he entire journey down (with the odd discrete zip-up), trying to look as nonchalantly cool as I can. No mean feat.

My subterfuge nearly worked too, if it wasn't for an over enthusiastic labrador, who thought now was a good time to leap up on me. His owner, an elderly couple, rushed over to help me but stopped at the last when my exposure was revealed. I had to tell them the whole story so as not to look like a sheep-fancier, but I'm definitely not sure I convinced them. What are two elderly people doing with such a strong dog anyway?

So embarrassed and ashamed I returned to my car and hid.

I am walking up my hill again today. I hope I don't meet them again. I just can't take it twice.

Being Good

As you can tell, lots of exercise. I felt like someone had stolen my calf muscles on Saturday, and replaced them with solid rubber, because I couldn't bend my legs at all, but by Monday I was all back to normal.

Being Bad

Not too bad actually. I may have eaten a couple of chocolate covered ice creams, but I have also made sure I have eaten little and often. Little being the key. Plenty of salad and fish.

A New Start

Looking back on the few weeks I worked on my weight, I noticed the depression building up in me. When I gave up smoking it took me a few tries to go cold turkey before I actually went cold turkey. I knew I could do it, I just hadn't yet. I think that's how it works sometimes. You want something to happen but you have yet to resolve for it to happen. Your determination isn't complete yet.

I felt more and more depressed about my lack of weight loss, its true, and the more I read up on the effects that swimming has in particular (for toning but not for weight loss), which has always been the one exercise I could do okay at, the more own I felt unhappy. It's astounding how easy it is to fall off a wagon you don't think you can stay on.

There is a significant problem about exercise. Good exercise makes you sweat, but as we have learnt, it also makes you hungry, hence you need good diet too. The problem I have is that I find my muscles tighten up and cramp up before I get sweating. My lungs squeeze and suck an increasingly audible and some what painful levels. My knees cramp up and my back stabs me in the back. I want a solution, but I can only presume the little and often idea holds firm.

In my readings walking is said to be the best thing, a brisk walk preferably. I'm not walking up my hill briskly,perhaps I'll have a think about brisk walking.

Anyhow so I am back on the weight loss trail. I'm starting again, and this is therefore week 1, again. I know this entry is short for me, but I am still not happy I fell off the wagon and into a chocolate haze, but I'm okay now, lol, it wasn't that bad, but there was chocolate and mayonnaise and too much of stuff.

Finally I just want to say as I was walking up my hill in one direction, a lady her daughter and their tiny dog were walking up the other way. I saw them climbing the steep slopes. Her daughter was about 7 and clearly totally knackered on the way up. I could hear her petulantly saying "How much further is it mummy!". Her face was red and her breathing as hard as mine, and yet on the way down I saw them ahead of me, and she was literally running down the hill.

I don't know where the energy comes from. I wonder if she simply forgets how hard it was to climb, her body has forgotten how tired it is. Maybe this is the trick of clearing your mind completely. Whatever the reason I lamented the innocence of youth, and their abundant energy. Nothing is too far, or too long. You have to love them.

Being Good :

Walked up my hill today. First time since I snapped my Achilles. No problems with the foot now. I noticed the muscle above my right butt cheek hurt like hell on the way up, but not so bad once I rested at the top, and not so much as I went round the hill and down.

I played a few lanes of bowling on Monday, my right leg has been causing me problems all week, it just feels completely weak, but it can't be so bad. I made it up the hill after all.

Being Bad :

A New Start means I'm not going to dwell on it. Next week will be another story.

Stavros the fisherman and the Nasty Greedy Bankerman

This blog is inspired by the following. Once you've read mine, go check Webeneezers out.

http://webeneezerscrooge.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/the-matrix-meets-greece-2-stock-market-update/

Meet Stavros....

Stavros is a Greek Fisherman. He is sad.
He is sad because the restaurants won't buy his fish.

They won't buy the fish, because they don't have any customers. They don't have any customers because Greece doesn't have any tourists.

So what happened to the tourists?

Once upon a time everything was good. People were good, jobs were good, it was all good. Everyone was happy.

Then one day a rich millionaire bank owner said,
"You know we are all making loads-of-money... well lets make even more loads of money!"

"How can we make even more loads of money?", said the other rich millionaire bankers.
"Well," said the first "We have banks for the little people for safe keeping, and we have banks for the big people for the casino. We dont make much on the safekeeping, but we make loads-of-money at the casino! Why don't we take the little peoples money and spend that on the casino! Then we can make LOADS-of-money!"

"Great idea!" said the other rich bank owners, all except for one. This rich bank owner didnt have any big people money, just little people money. He couldn't make all the loads-of-money. "But I dont have any big people money and I dont want to risk the little peoples money on the casino. It's naughty and we will get told off"

"So what!" the others said as they went outside and had a party.
Now the banks made loads-of-money with the little peoples money, and things were great, the people were great, and the jobs were great.

But the banks all wanted to make EVEN MORE loads-of-money so, because they had made so much money already they offered the little people even cheaper loans so they could take the little peoples money and make even more loads-of-money.


But the rich banker millionaire with only little people money said "Hey, if I don't win on the casino then the little people will lose their money and then everyone will know what we have done with the little peoples money"

"So what!" the others said as they went outside and had a party.

Then one day, the rich banker billionaire with only little people money lost.

"NOOOO!", The others said "Now we will all get found out! If we buy the little peoples debts then no one will know!", so they bought the little peoples debts.

The trouble was that he wasn't the only rich banker millionaire that had been losing. They all had been losing, and now the only ones left were the really really rich banker millionaires, and they had all the little peoples debts.


And then one day the little people found out, and they were so worried that they went to the banks and asked for their keepsake money back.

The rich banker millionaires didn't have enough, so they asked the government for money. And the government provided it through taxing the little people.

The end...

Except it wasn't the end. Thousands of "little" people lost their jobs, and then their houses. And they couldn't go on holiday anymore to Greece.

You see the little people wanted a home of their own. So they went to the bank. They're Great!

And the bank said just fill in the "we want to borrow lots of money" form, but don't put in the real figure of your income because you won't get a mortgage.

So they did, and they got the mortgage, and then the banks went bust, and then the people lost their houses, and then people stopped going on holiday to Greece, and they stopped going into restaurants, and finally the restaurants stopped buying fish from Stavros.

So the President of Greece said we dont have any tax money. But we have to pay for the police and the hospitals. Lets talk to a big bank. Lets talk to Goldman Sachs. They're great!

Goldman Sachs told them to fill in the "we want to borrow money" form, but don't put your real income down, because you wont get it.

So they did, and they got the loans, but still nobody came to restaurants to buy the fish, and Stavros got poorer and poorer.

Until one day Greece said "if you dont help us, we will be bankrupt" and everyone went NOOOOO! Because if a country like Greece goes bankrupt then a country like Spain can go bankrupt and then the UK and then the US!!!

Then the whole world will be bankrupt. All except the rich banker millionaire who has all the money in the world.

So Stavros got angry and he went to Athens and told Greece.

"Why have you done this", and Greece said

"Because the banker told me." And Stavros said,

"But he told everyone else bad advice too".

And Greece said "I know, he is a Nasty Greedy Banker Man!"

And Stavros was very angry, but he could do nothing because the rich banker millionaire with all the money in the world is very rich and very powerful and owns everything.

So Stavros marched on the banker building to complain, and on his way he was joined by Carlos from Spain, Miguel from Portugal and Paddy from Ireland, and then more people joined, and more still until everyone went to the door of the Nasty Greedy Banker Man to complain.

And the Nasty Greedy Banker Man was scared. As he should have been because he was too greedy and people are hungry.

So he decided to give all the loads-of-money to all the people waiting outside his door. He shared it equally and promised never to be so greedy again.

Stavros is happy now.

The End.

(Can you tell it's a fairytale?)

There have been some very serious politicians, and there have been some not so serious politicians.

Inspired by the disappointing defeat of number one on my list, here is a list of a few of my favourites in no particular order. If you have any to add, let me know and I will add them to the list.

1. Lembit Opik

Elected in 1997 for Montgomeryshire, he held on to his seat til just yesterday. Only to turn up today laughing at himself on comedy news-quiz show Have I Got News For You.

He has appeared on Who wants to be a millionaire and The Apprentice for charity. He was romantically attached to Gabriela Irimia, one of the cheeky girls. In the national expenses scandal he was noticeably admonished for a variety of indiscrepancies one of which was claiming a £40 summons for non-payment of Council Tax.

Best Quotes;

"It does sound like a science fiction story and I may sound like one of these guys who walks up and down with a sandwich board saying the end of the world is nigh, but the end is nigh..."

"It's like giving a convicted man on trial the verdict and then saying 'are you happy with that?' "

2. Boris Johnson

Ex MP for Henley-On-Thames, ex-editor of The Spectator and Bullington Boy Boris is the current Mayor of London, and our host for the 2012 Olympics (God help us).

In 2003 Boris wrote in his Telegraph column that had stolen a cigar case from Tariq Aziz, a known associate of Saddam Hussain, who was in prison. Boris wrote that Aziz could have it back if he just asks.

He is often on TV appearing on shows as diverse as Top Gear to Eastenders. He has said that Liverpudlian were wallowing in victimhood, Papua New Guinea was an orgy of cannibalism and chief killing, and that Portsmouth was "one of the most depressed towns in Southern England.

Johnson rides his bike to work despite having his bike stolen several times. He has said he would like to plant decoy bikes around the city with nearby navy seals ready to catch the thieves.

Best Quotes;

"Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix, and stay conscious."

"Ok, I said to myself as I sighted the bird down the end of the gun. This time, my fine feathered friend, there is no escape."

"No one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw"

3. George W. Bush

The 43rd President of the United States left office in 2009. Having taken the US into a "War on Terrorism", he later ordered an invasion of Afghanistan and two years later Iraq.

Despite his declaring a state of emergency two days before Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, both the Department of Homeland Security and FEMA failed to act in time. It took Bush 4 days before he authorised troops to enter the city and help.

Best quotes; (Literally there are hundreds of fun quotes for him)

"You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on."

"The thing that's wrong with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."

"Most imports are from outside of the country"

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

4. Baghdad Bob/Comical Ali

Mohammed Said al-Sahhaf, later dubbed Baghdad Bob by the american newspapers and Comical Ali by the british press was known for his daily briefings during the Iraq War.

Whilst American tanks were patrolling the streets just a few hundred meters away, Al-Sahhaf told the world press there were no americans in Baghdad.

Best Quotes;

"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"

"What they say about a breakthrough is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."

"Everything is just fine."

5. Bob Dole

Bob Dole ran for election as President in 1996 against Bill Clinton, but despite failing he still holds he record for the longest-serving United States Senate Majority Leader.

Since his retirement he has become a commercial spokesman for Dunkin' Donuts, Pepsi-Cola (with Britney Spears) and Viagra, as well as doing The Daily Show, and sitcom Suddenly Susan.

Best Quotes;

"Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Oh, except maybe from time to time."

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."

"If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay"

6. Sarah Palin

In Sarah Palin's first term of office as Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska she famously kept a jar with the names of Wasilla residents on her desk. Once a week, she pulled a name from it and picked up the phone; she would ask: "How's the city doing?"

When Republican presidential hopeful John McCain plucked her into the american limelight in the 2009 election, no-one knew who this young brash Alaskan was, but just a couple of nationwide interviews later, including the famous "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?", and the whole world was aware that the republicans had a new kid on the block.

Best Quotes;

"They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan."

"I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't."

"Nucular"

7. Winston Churchill

Prime Minister during World War II, great orator and leader, Winston Churchill was also a fabulous wit. His many conversations with Lady Astor, the first woman MP in the House of Commons.

In a classic encounter between the two of them Lady Astor announced "You sir, are drunk!", to which he replied

"You madam are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober."

Best Quotes;

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

"Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed."

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

"The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it."

8. Silvio Berlusconi

The current Italian Prime Minister has held the role 3 times. He has an extensive record of criminal allegations, including mafia collusion, false accounting, tax fraud, corruption and bribery of police officers and judges, but as yet has not been convicted for any of them. Following the G8 conference in 2008 he said, "I'm the universal record-holder for the number of trials in the entire history of man – and also of other creatures who live on other planets."

In 2002, Berlusconi, made a vulgar gesture behind the head of the Spanish foreign minister, intimating he was a cuckold during an official photo shoot.

In 2005, said they should have the European Food Safety Authority in Italy rather than Finland because "the finnish didn't know what prosciutto is." And later that year when trying to justify American investment in Italy he said "we have the most beautiful secretaries in the world".

In 2006 he refuted that he had said Communists used to eat children, by saying, "they did not eat children, but had them boiled to fertilise the fields".

Best Quotes;

"If I, taking care of everyone's interests, also take care of my own, you can't talk about a conflict of interest."

"I'm not a traditional politician, and I have a sense of humor. I'll try to soften it and become boring, maybe even very boring, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to."

Week 5: Is Exercise The Answer to Weight-loss?

Being Good

I'd love to say I went to the Gym, I have recently been inspired by a blogger who is doing incredibly well. Unfortunately it reminded me of how much more I should be doing, and that just got me depressed and lethargic. Still, realisation doesn't work overnight. I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying I know I have to rethink and redouble my efforts if I am going to get anywhere.

Being Bad

Not much in here I'm afraid. Broke every single rule. I'm not going to get down on myself. The way I figure it, every day I do well, is another day I did well. It just so happens I didn't have many of those days this week.

Is Exercise The Answer?

One of the most perplexing problems in the world of physiology is the way in which our bodies handle exercise. Most of us believe that more exercise means weight loss, but typically life is never that simple. Barry Braun, an associate professor of kinesiology at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst wrote;

"Anecdotally, all of us have been cornered by people claiming to have spent hours each week walking, running, stair-stepping, etc., and are displeased with the results on the scale or in the mirror,"

The point he is making is that there are thousands of people across the world who have found that an increase in exercise has not led to a decrease in weight. And that likewise a strong diet can often do the complete opposite of what we hope to achieve, with dieters often putting on even more weight after the diet regime is over.

The problem is the same in both cases. Our bodies don't like change. Yes, the truth of it is our bodies are in actual fact like a grumpy old man nearly getting run over by some youth on a skateboard. Our bodies enjoy change as much as Pat Robertson would enjoy a holiday in Haiti.

When we exercise vigorously, we tend to crave more calories to make up for the energy used. It turns out, even small changes in energy balance can produce rapid changes in certain hormones associated with appetite, particularly acylated ghrelin, which is known to increase the desire for food. This clearly negates the body balance we hoped to change.

I hadn't thought about this until I read it on-line whilst researching exercise, but this is exactly what happened to me a few weeks ago. After a tough bit of cycling and swimming, I felt a combination of both hunger and pride that I had done so well, and rewarded myself with a sandwich bought in the shop just outside the swimming pool. It was only after I had finished it, as I looked at the nutritional information to see I had just eaten 23% of my recommended daily intake that I realised the futility of what I had just done.

In an experiment by the Pennington Biomedical Research Centre, Professor Eric Ravussin created two separate groups, one which would reduce their intake of calories by 25%, the other by only reducing their intake by 12.5%, but also exercising 12.5% more. This exercise equated to nearly an hour a day of moderate to intensive exercise, which is more than most governments suggest we should do. It is also clear that these experimenters have very little to do with their time and should get out more. To their surprise, both groups lost the same amount of weight. There was no need for the dieters to exercise at all!

The trouble is that a lot of this evidence doesn't hold true for all experiments. In one study presented last year at the annual conference of the American College of Sports Medicine, when healthy young men ran for an hour and a half on a treadmill at a fairly high intensity, their blood concentrations of acylated ghrelin actually fell. Exercise blunted their appetites.

Once again, I have found this personally to be true. When I was younger and used to run from 2-3 miles twice a week, I found that I was less interested in food. I have always put this down to a psychological difference. I was literally prouder of my body shape and found it easier to maintain. It could well be however that there is also a physiological difference and that my body was literally reacting to the gentle exercise by blunting my demands for food.

But if exercising gives you an immediate craving for food to replace lost calories, then how come it can also stunt our hunger as shown in the ACSM experiment?

In one representative experiment from last year, 97 slightly overweight women were put on a calorie controlled diet until they lost an average of about 27 pounds each. Some of the women were then assigned to a walking program, some were put on a weight-training regimen and others were assigned no exercise; all returned to their old eating habits.

Those who stuck with either of the exercise programs regained less weight than those who didn’t exercise and, even more striking, did not regain weight around their middles. The women who didn’t exercise regained their weight and preferentially packed on these new pounds around their abdomens. This I think is very good news for any women wishing to lose weight, but are worried about losing breast size. I don't know why I mention this at this stage. I just felt it was important to say.

The inference being that exercise may be the way we keep weight off, rather than the process in which we lose weight. And that vigorous exercise may make no difference whatsoever as your body craves more calories to replace the energy you have used up. It could be that too much exercise is as useless for weight-loss as too little.

For a study published last summer, scientists at the University of Colorado at Denver fattened a group of male rats. The animals already had an inbred propensity to gain weight and, thanks to a high-fat diet laid out for them, they fulfilled that genetic destiny. After 16 weeks of eating as much as they wanted and lolling around in their cages, all were rotund. The scientists then switched them to a calorie-controlled, low-fat diet. This brought down their weight by an average of 14%.



Afterward the animals were put on a weight-maintenance diet. At the same time, half of them were required to run on a treadmill for about 30 minutes most days. The other half remained sedentary. For eight weeks, the rats were kept at their lower weights in order to establish a new base-line weight.

Then the fun began. For the final eight weeks of the experiment, the rats were allowed to relapse, to eat as much food as they wanted. I personally picture the ratty equivalent of a young child in a restaurant looking wide-eyed at the dessert trolley.

The rats that had not been running on the treadmill fell upon the food eagerly. Most regained the weight they lost and then some. but the exercising rats metabolized calories differently. They tended to burn fat immediately after their meals, while the sedentary rats’ bodies preferentially burned carbohydrates and sent the fat off to be stored in fat cells.

The running rats’ bodies, meanwhile, also produced signals suggesting that they were satiated and didn’t need more kibble. Although the treadmill exercisers regained some weight, their relapses were not as extreme. Running had remade the rats’ bodies so that they ate less.

The other rats were often found in the corner of the cage spaced out in a sugar high. They were fat, but very very happy.

Now here's the point about all this research. According to our friend Professor Braun, who could possibly be my new hero;

“Emerging evidence suggests that ­unlike bouts of moderate-vigorous activity, low-intensity ambulation, standing, etc., may contribute to daily energy expenditure without triggering the caloric compensation effect,”

Isn't that fantastic!

In a completed but unpublished study conducted in his energy-metabolism lab...I love this guy, he's like a crazy science dude with mad hair and tri-focal lenses screaming at the lightning storm above... Braun and his colleagues had a group of volunteers spend an entire day sitting. If they needed to visit the bathroom or any other location, they spun over in a wheelchair.

How mad is that!

Meanwhile, in a second session, the same volunteers stood all day, “not doing anything in particular,” Braun says, “just standing.” The difference in energy expenditure was remarkable, representing “hundreds of calories,” Braun says, but with no increase among the upright in their blood levels of ghrelin or other appetite hormones. Standing, for both men and women, burned multiple calories but did not ignite hunger.

So at long last we finally come to the conclusion that the scientifically proven best method of losing weight is by a closely followed calorie controlled diet, combined with low impact exercise such as going for a walk or even "standing all day". I have no idea if any of this is true, it seems to me the best thing is to exercise as much as you can and just be aware that your body isn't in charge of you. Having said that, this isn't my first time trying to lose weight, so maybe I should listen to the people who have done the research.

Either way, I think I will do a lot more standing from now on.

Week 4: Food and Depression

Being Good

I went to the Gym again this week (again just the once, because of their attitude) and worked out harder still. I think I am getting the hang of this gym thing. The trick I think is to get you sweating as much as possible in as short a time as possible. Anyhow, I nearly killed myself again on the stepper and followed it up on the bike that doesn't again. There were a number of people who chose to waste their time watching me struggle on the bike, but I persevered on, after all, if you have paid already... I checked out a couple of other places this week, and I couldn't help feeling like I often feel in Gym's, just uncomfortable. I hate the idea of someone seeing me and hearing me wheeze to death after 5 minutes on a treadmill.

Being Bad

I had another good week in terms of food, well mostly. I had no chocolate, and only the one sandwich. And only once had food after 11. I'm starting to feel like a gremlin.

Despite the above, I just didn't get out enough. I must make an effort to do more stuff mid-week. All in all though, not too bad. Although on Friday I ended up cooking too much, and simply couldn't throw the excess away. Not good. It's the first time I have felt "stuffed" this month.

In conclusion though, I lost an entire pound! Woo hoo! I am being sarcastic in case you hadn't figured. This is getting frustrating.

Food and Depression

It's difficult to know what sets off depression. Sometimes it can be an event, like the death of a friend, or the loss of a job, and at other times you drift into it like a gently nagging headache, until you feel like your head is too hot and your whole body has lost its energy. The sense of feeling like nothing is going to change, that you will never get to the goals you set and that the world designed to keep you down, can sit in the back of your mind haunting you like the thudding bass track from your teenage daughters stereo.

Some people take medication at this point, to try to bolster their enthusiasm. Some people drink, in an attempt to relieve the boredom. Some people go in search for justification, perhaps that's what I am doing on here. Trying to prove to myself I am worthy, people do care. I matter.

I imagine fit people search out others to "do something", anything from kicking a football around to going to a movie, perhaps they all work out in their personal gym's, running for hours on a treadmill or using weights til their muscles are ready to burst. I don't really know these fit people, and they tend not to ring me up when they need a fifth for their game. Besides, despite all my efforts, my tendon still aches, and running is still a step too far.

I also suspect this is why people spend hours in pointless pursuits like train-spotting and stamp-collecting, just to stop the boredom and depression. Don't get me wrong, I don't disapprove to hobbies, in fact I think they are a very good thing, for children especially, to help them understand the need for study, research and patience. I however, hide.

I often hide when things aren't so good. When you are filled with self-loathing, you aren't much fun to be around, and when you can see how you affect others around you, when people start avoiding you because you are flakey, or lacking in enthusiasm, then you know it's best to be on your own.

Depression makes you feel worthless, and any struggles you have, with weight, smoking, drinking or any harmful addiction suddenly find themselves like a bacteria in petri dish. My depression in the past meant not answering letters, not making important telephone calls, and for a period, not looking for work. It has taken two good friends to kick me out and send me down the road for a job. Both times I will never forget the debt I owe them.

I have never been to a doctor for depression even though, like most people I suffer from it. I think we over prescribe our conditions, when we should in fact deal with them. I can't help feeling like as a grown man, I need to control my emotions myself or at least deal with them properly. I need to find a way without turning to chemicals every time something gets me down.

Perhaps the much harder question is why do I get depressed in the first place, and finding a way to counter-act that. It's hard though, since most of us lead what Thoreau called "lives of quiet desperation". Some people argue that diet is a major factor with depression, and I can see their point. It is clear that having too many burgers and not enough greens is not healthy at all. The proper balance of vitamins is very important for your body and mind to work efficiently. Thing is though, I personally have had a very good balance of fruit and veg. Apart from when I was a student perhaps, I have always had that balance. I like cooking and enjoy the different textures and colours you get from a well-balanced meal.

The real struggle with depression from a middle-aged man like me, to the teenager in unrequited love, is that we are in a position where nothing we do is the right answer. If the teenager tells his love interest how he feels about her, she will surely dismiss him out of hand, and he will lose the connection, the hope once and for all. To not say anything however, to never make the approach blocks him from finding love elsewhere. There is no right answer for him. Time ends up being the only solution, but time takes time. Eventually things get better. Whatever he decides to do, time heals the wounds.

In my case the same is true. Eventually I will have a visa in my hand and be off to my new family. Eventually, I will have saved enough money and not be terrified of how to make ends meet when I get there. Eventually I will lose this weight and look a lot better when I slip into the suit I will be married in. Right now though, I feel guilt and depression. Guilt for spending money, guilt for going out, guilt from even taking up room in my parents house. guilt for staying at home even though I know there is no work to be had. And that in turn leads to depression, which leads to reclusiveness, which leads to more depression. The cycle.

I look around me at other people my age and wonder how they did it all, and then I remember how desperate they were, and how one by one they found their partners. When I think about it, I cannot think of a single one who lives comfortably and happily on their own without assistance from someone somewhere. I have taken too long maybe. I have been too fussy, or hung on to too many relationships for too long when I knew they would fail. I am not apologetic about it, because everything I have done in my life, has been done with good reasoning at the time. They were important to do to lead me to this point, but they have also led me to this current slump I am in.

I am effectively single, but awkwardly, not single in the sense that I can go out with other single guys on the pull at the local pubs, so that avenue of escape (of which I would feel guilty taking anyway) is not available to me. I hardly drink anyway, having found that as cabbie, you lose customers when you are seen out drinking.

Perhaps there is always a reason not do to something.

Anyhow, as the depression seeps into you, then everything adds to your pain. A TV show that you are not in the mood for, a phone call that could have gone better, a game you just can't complete, a lack of texts. And before you know it, you are in the kitchen looking for something to do. For me it has always been something sharp and spicy to freshen my mouth. A cheese and ketchup sandwich, some crisps and pickles. The TV seems less dull when you are preparing a sandwich, the room feels less hot, and the enthusiasm begins to creep back in.

I never stay depressed when I am eating. It always goes away. Maybe it's because I am actually doing something, but oddly I am never inspired to cook either. I never feel the urge to bake a cake, or knock up a Bolognaise sauce for the freezer. I wish I did feel that way. Perhaps its the release of various chemicals in my brain that help me through it, but as I venture back into the kitchen, empty plate in hand, so the depression slowly returns sure as night follows day. Except that this time it is backed up by the thought that I have eaten even more. I often think this is why diets have a habit of making people fatter in the long run, because when you break (and we all break at some point) you feel twice as bad as you did before.

I am trying very hard not to get down on myself on this diet. It's mine and so far it as worked to the extent of 1lb, so that's progress. lol. I know that not eating as much is only half the issue. I was told recently by a couple of people who going to the gym, once a week wasn't nearly enough, and that I had to go more. I want to go more, but I look at the expense, and I think about how I got myself into this mess and I feel bad. Jees' when you're down, even the thought of losing the weight makes you feel bad.

I saw a guy on TV a few years back, who had lost weight very quickly. He has so much excess skin, that I shivered at the thought of looking like some Shar Pei dog. To be honest, I really don't know which is worse. I am hoping that the skin eventually contracts, but I have never looked it up. After all, we aren't talking about a 9 month pregnancy here.

Anyhow, on Sunday I thought I would get out of the house, go find some people and try to feel a little better. I tried, I didn't feel better at all, but I tried. I came home and started eating as soon as I got through the door. I managed to stop myself from going nuts, and practically ran out of the kitchen once the feeling had left me, but there my demon was, just waiting for me to get weak.

I think he will always be there. He is always going to be sitting on my shoulder saying you wont get the opportunity to have another roast potato for a good fortnight, you don't want to throw it out surely. He is always going to be reminding me that you haven't had breakfast and maybe this large lunch just evens things up.

I gave up smoking last year, cold turkey. It's why I am doing this now. If I have the strength to give up that highly addictive drug, just by demanding control of my body, then maybe I can do this. And yet every time I see a cigarette being smoked by a cold teenager outside a pub, every time I smell the musky smoke waft past my nose, I think about how great it would be to smoke right now. And that's after 18 months. Maybe these demons never go away.

Then again, we all have demons. We all have the voice telling us to do something we shouldn't. Maybe it's to tell our loved ones what we really think of them in the middle of an argument when our blood seethes with anger and boils with injustice. Perhaps our demons tell us we shouldn't look at the new girl at work with the long legs and the sensual smile. Maybe even our demon screams out to us as we lamentably pass by the pub, the laughing voices enjoying their late night revelries. We all have demons. Food and depression are two of mine.

Week 3: The Price Of Fat

Being Good

After last weeks issue with the swimming pool and Gym, I chose to only go once this week. I will be looking for a new place to go, because it really annoyed me. When I did go, I did the normal trick of 50 widths (4 breast/1 crawl) and 30 mins on the cycle that doesn't work (2 mins fast rate, 30 secs going like the clappers). I also went on the stepper for 10 minutes (OMG). Other than that, not to good I'm afraid.

Now I say chose to go only once. The choice was sorta forced on me because for some reason this time I felt like someone had taken my knees and replaced them with wooden ones. And not only that, but because I wasn't very good at using my new wooden legs I constantly felt like I would fall face first and have my knee buckle backwards under me.

Being Bad

I have done really well this week. I have avoided chocolate completely, and sandwiches.  I only had food after 11pm once, and on that occasion I had cereal. With no sugar. How good is that!!!

Unfortunately, it has made absolutely no difference to my weight, or my body shape. My clothes are exactly the same on me as they were last week. I am extremely disappointed.

The Price Of Fat

I have so much to say on this that my tongue (or fingers) is tripping over itself. I have actually had to cut down my comments for fear that this would turn into my first book. The rest I shall save for another day, but for now, Why is it that a clothes design is one price when served to skinny sticks that spend half their time throwing up their soup in the bathroom, and a completely different price to a fat person.

I appreciate there may be a little more material, but in my experience we are talking two or three times the amount. As if it's not hard enough to find a high street store that stocks plus sizes as it is, when you do find one you end up having to get a mortgage to afford them.

Now, I am a guy, and so only have a certain amount of this abuse, but I have been out with many plus size women, and each and every one has had to suffer the indignation of being told by some tarty-dressed, stuck-up sales assistant with a serious coat hanger up her arse, that their shop doesn't do that size. They have looked my partners up and down with the kind of disgust that a preening toucan would look at a nightingale. For one, what the hell is their problem.

Do they think they are better just because they are thinner? Seriously? I have known many women and in my humble experience, thinner women are not better. There have been some very polite, very charming thin women I have known, but I have known a lot more chubby women with those characteristics. As far as I am concerned, these women are the worst of the worst. They make you feel bad just by being around them. Why would anyone want that in their life? Why would anyone want to be friends with them, knowing they will just feel dirty and spoiled afterwards?

Even if you do find the right store, that sells plus sizes, and even if you get a sales assistant that doesn't treat you like you are diseased and they are there for your personal assistance,

"Weeeell, you need a bit if help, don't you, you need someone to tell you what doesn't work on you don't you"

when you finally get to the cash desk you realise that the belt you picked out costs £40 alone.

As I have said, I am a guy and have rarely experienced this, until recently when I happened to go into a "Big and Tall" store. I swear the place is designed to kill off fatties like myself once and for all, because when I saw that just one Hawaiian shirt would have cost me £120, I nearly had a heart attack. I have an idea they have a trapdoor and a dungeon for all the bodies like Sweeney Todd.



"Is that another one Gone, Frank?"

"Yes, he said he wanted to buy a tie!"

There is seriously is no need for it . We all need clothes, and they don't have to cost the earth. And for God's sake. Look, in case I havent said it enough, I am a GUY and generally we aren't so worried about our clothes as women are. Also guys tend to have a specific kind of wardrobe, we all wear suits for funerals, weddings etc, so if there's an event, like a job interview, we get the suit out, but women don't have that simplicity. They like colours and styles and dresses and pants and blouses and tops, and jackets and shoes and loads of stuff. They like clothes.

I am not saying that's a bad thing. Women in clothes is good I say, I support the idea. I admit my personal preference is women spilling out of clothes, but that's just me, and somehow they need to stay warm. Now, just because I don't engage in the rigmarole of changing "outfits" every two hours, doesn't mean I don't appreciate it when they do. If however, the only thing you can find to wear is a tent, because no store supplies any style choice. then they will get frustrated rightly so. And then as a rule they will take it out on me, (which would be a little unfair as for one I agree with them whole-heartedly, and for two there are an awful lot of them)

Why does it seem impossible to have any variation on style. Why do designers think that all trousers should second up as a flag! It's all very well saying, yes but this skirt is in green, but it's still a skirt, just like every other knee-length skirt in the damned shop!

And then when she finally does go to the counter to purchase yet another elasticized neck blouse, it turns out the garment is on special offer and today will only cost me £85 !!!

Clothes should be cheaper, they should have more variation and they should be staffed by shop assistants who are a little more humble. Women don't expect the earth, but they do hope to gain a little respect, a little confidence and a little excitement when they go shopping. And it appears to me that the only women who are continually overlooked in this are fat women. It's wrong in so many ways.

There is an alternative, we could all go online. Now I like buying online. I enjoy it, because it suits my sense of fairness. When there is a store doing something that I consider unethical, I simply don't buy from them, there are always plenty to choose from, which makes life easier. It may well be that they are all one and the same, but until they are specifically pointed out to me, then I can be pleased.

The one thing that really gets my goat more than anything else, though is the way a plus size specialist models their clothes with a skinny person.Why would you do that. Here I am, about to invest my money to someone I have never met before, to buy an item that may be totally the wrong style, fit or colour for me, and you present me with the items on a guy that looks like Brad Pitt. How will I know how that looks on me? Clearly Brad looks great, BUT I AIN'T BRAD. It is my first and foremost rule, if they don't have pictures of a plus size model modelling the clothes I will not buy from them. I am trying to encourage my fiancée to do the same, but I feel it will take a while. She keeps saying to me, thats a good store, but it doesn't have the clothe I want.

This is the beaultiful Chloe Marshall. Miss Surray 2008. Eventually I will write about her, but heres a quick link to another blogger.

http://www.thicksational.com/category/pageants/