Join the ANTI-ANTIVIRUS VISTA 2010 PARTY!

I hate my computer, I hate it with a growing passion.

The reason I hate my computer so much is that it is nearly brilliant, but in the end, it's frustrating and annoying. Take for example the variety of different windows systems. I have Vista, which I almost love. I almost love the sidebar especially the exchange rate things, except being as I live in the UK, and my fiance is American, and also I like to know how the euro is doing, I have to load up the exchange rate thing twice. Grrr. (Thats a three R grrr by the way. I have moved from the two R grr, to the three R grrr as its gotten that serious. Also the two R grr kind of looked like I was a fan of motor racing.)

I also love the system monitor that watches my processing speed, except then it just tells me one of my processors is working madly whilst the other one is not, and they can't switch the workload to make the thing quicker, and what the hell is it doing anyway, I didn't ask it to do a damned thing! Why can't my lazy processor (which I have now decided to call Berbatov) just pick up the slack! Besides which, have you seen how much operating memory it takes!



I love the windows background features, but I now have thousands of pictures suitable for my background and I want my lappytop to randomly choose one, but Vista doesn't do that, so I end up finding a program online to do it for me, which works fine, except it's really really slow, and it interferes with a load of other programs (No, I don't care that you have just changed backgrounds when I'm in the middle of running away from a hoard of hungry zombies!) and have you seen how much operating memory it takes!

I love the internet, because it gives you access to everything except when you want to find one specific thing in which case it gives you everything BUT the one specific thing you wanted. In fact rather worryingly more and more even google takes you to sites selling you stuff rather than the information site you actually want. (When I type "All Holes at Augusta", I didnt expect to see THAT. I had my Mum in the room!)



The worst thing without doubt on computers though is, rather specifically, ANTIVIRUS VISTA 2010.

This as you may know is not an anti-virus but a virus. It infects your computer and installs a program called AV.EXE on your PC. This program is a very very annoying advert that repeats itself again and again until presumably you link to their website and buy the product that, one can only pray, will leave this virus on your pc dormant, but more likely will either copy all your passwords and steal all your money, or send itself to all your friends instead.

This is also particularly annoying as turning the process off doesn't work as EVERY SINGLE TIME you use any program, it turns itself back on again. Also somehow it manages to stay hidden by an anti-virus, a spyware, and a malware program, which must make all three of those an even bigger waste of money. Why did I bother getting them when this insidious pice of software can jus waltz in whenever it feels like it! Half of my computer space is taken up with anti-viruses and anti-spyware and none of it works!

You can't delete ANTIVIRUS VISTA 2010 as, well it's not a stupid as all that, and even if you could find the right file location and get to the file, it would only reload itself into your memory on the next boot up.

It's like Russell Brand, you don't like him, you don't want him but he keeps bobbing back to the surface like a floating poo.

There is an election coming up in May, and I am offering my vote here and now, and I suspect the vote of thousands of internet users in this country, if ANY PARTY promises to hunt down the people who run this virus, who take the money, who create more and more strains of this insidious thing, and hang them from their scrotum, in a public place, like the Tower of London, for the whole world to see. Then supply us with big sticks so we can hit them like a pinata!

It can't be that hard, freeze the accounts, petition for their arrest, they are committing a form of robbery or fraud or extortion or something here! There must be a law against it. Why is no-one fighting this.

Please stand with me and scream and shout. Lets complain to our leaders, lets demand they do something about this. Viruses are infecting our systems and they should be stopped once and for all! Join the ANTI-ANTIVIRUS VISTA 2010 PARTY!

There Probably Is No God... Just Be Good For Goodness Sake

This was my favourite news story of the year.



The reaction was priceless



There is NO OUTCRY IN BRITAIN! lol... We seriously didn't care! We really really didn't care! You can't believe how much we didn't care....

The fact is WE in Great Britain.. have absolutely no interest in what religious people do...

According to the census statistics in 2001, 71% of brits are protestant... but think about this. In the 1600's our King Henry VIII broke free from the catholic church so he could get a divorce from dodgy looking Catherine of Aragon, and have his wicked way with the tasty sex-kitten Anne Boleyn. We called the newly reformed protestant church... The Chuch Of England... get it... THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND.

If we called it "Martin Luther's German Christian Church of Protestants", NO ONE IN BRITAIN would ever mark it down on their census forms. The british people have not cared about religion for a very long time. Bear in mind that the same census in 2001 reported an excellent 0.7% of people claiming to be Jedi Knights, making it the fourth biggest religion in the UK!

http://www.vexen.co.uk/UK/religion.html

There is a religion in the UK, people go every week, people believe in it completely, people love it like they love their own family. It's not christian, it's not Muslim, it's not even Buddhism....

Football is the religion of Britain, it has been since the 1900's. And it is followed far more than any make-believe deity, its attended each week with crowds bigger than any church or mosque could dream of on our isle.



If you walked down a street with a quotation of the bible on your t-shirt, chances are you would be stopped and/or laughed at. We don't thrust our silly ideas at other people, and we don't presume others need to be saved, we don't enjoy being told what to do, especially by people who seem to have no regard for their own rules. Walking down the high street with a football shirt is as normal as baseball hats in the US.

I don't even like football that much, but at least its real.

BIG BIG BIG WELL DONE for the right-wing Fox News to come out with even more rubbish about britain. They are really having a bumper year after their attacks on the british health System. Seriously people... drive 100 miles to see a doctor, have operations without X-Rays, kill people off because they're too old!  Fox News really has made a big effort this year!

Now they manage to take the mickey out of the one group of people saying just be good regardless of what you believe in. We dont see American Humanists bombing buildings, or terrorising abortionist doctors. They just want people to be good to each other.



Wow! I bet Jesus would approve... I seem to remember reading Jesus wasn't a big fan of churches either.

Stereotypes, Racism and My Two Front Teeth

There is something odd about Stereotypes. We all recognise them as being intrinsically wrong. After all they assume that everyone is alike, which they obviously aren't. The only trouble is that clearly there is something right about stereotypes too. Whether you like it or not, the Americans are gun-toting, the French are arrogant, the Japanese do take pictures of everything and the English do create "little england" wherever they go. That is not to say that all of them are, but enough to make it a reasonable stereotype.

If they are a reasonable picture of a people or a culture though, why are we so offended by them. In the UK we had a hit show in the 70's called "Mind Your Language". It was totally successful right up to the end of its run, and had massive viewing figures. It was however racist, and ITV took it off the air. The show was about an english speaking school. The english teacher would try to teach people from different nationalities the nuances of english. The french lady was whistful and sexy, the italian man was passionate and gaudy, the japanese man had a strict code of conduct and so on.



My mother is Chilean and she loved it. She recognised and associated with the spanish bartender character Juan. She understood his protective family values, she laughed herself silly when Juan would treat Mr Brooks the teacher like his closest brother, and laughed harder still when he would raise his fists at the teacher and threaten him with a "punch up". The truth is that in Chile, they have strong family values. They are very protective, and should you be welcomed into the family circle of friends then you really are like the lost brother returned. I experienced this myself when were in Chile. I had never met these people my mother introduced me to, but their welcome was honest and heart-warming in a way I had not experienced before.

This show was filled with stereotypes, from the efficient german au pair, to the chairman mau quoting chinese lady. It was also filled with warmth celebrating our differences and understanding that each nationality has a different set of problems when trying to conform to the british way of thinking.

In the end, as the world got more PC, this well watched show was shown to be racist. As a brit I understand that on the one level we are just laughing at the funny foreigners and their stupid ways. On another hand though it was saying we are all different, let's not be frightened to say so.



The truth is that each and every stereotype has come from somewhere. There are however, reasons for them. Not excuses exactly, but reasons. There is a stereotype of the English being arrogant and nationalistic, superior and outspoken. Pretty much everything you get from Al Murray's "The Pub Landlord". We have an unhappy history in England, we have lorded it over half the world for many years. We have exported "Britishness" and reaped its rewards. And now we are paying for it. The English are disliked the world over for its oppressive history. From our closest neighbour Scotland, to Australia on the other side of the world, everyone enjoys seeing us fail.

We are not an apologetic people as a rule however, so instead of crawling into a corner we stubbornly stand out unabashed claiming how wonderful we must be for everyone to want to beat us. We become visciously protective of our nationalism, shouting from the highest rooftop how we do things better than everyone else, and no-one will tell us what to do, especially those foreigners in Europe. Obviously this isn't everyone, but all the english feel this streak of jingoistic zeal around them.

When asked "What is England?" however, we tend to struggle. We know its not double decker buses and beefeater hats, but over hundereds of years of trying to keep an empire, then a commonwealth and always a United Kingdom we lost our identity in a way the Scots, Irish and Welsh would never have done.



To say "What is Britain?" however! We know instantly of a proud nation fighting alone against insurmountable odds, of a parliament that was the template of governmental process around the world, of a system of laws and courts that balances our sense of equality and justice, of a talented and well educated people that have influenced the worlds thinking from Charles Darwin to Isaac Newton, that changed the way we see the world from William Shakespeare to George Orwell, and who led the world in creative invention from Isambard Kingdom Brunel's brindges to  Adam Smiths ideas on competition.

Anyway, the reason I mention all of this is because this Christmas I am staying with my brother in Scotland. He is 5 years older than me and we used to do exactly what the archetypal stereotype of brothers do. We fought all the time, were horrid to each other at every opportunity, we were jealous and competitive at every turn but we would fight side by side if someone hurt us, and backed each other through thick and thin when trying to get one past our parents.

Today as we were driving through the snow, some of the old arguments were brought up. There was no way that I could compete with my brother physically when I was young so I learnt how to get to him emotionally. In fact I became an expert in it. I could get him to fight me within a minute if I wanted to, and since he had no reasonable response, he would end up punching my teeth out. I would claim the moral victory and get the double bonus of him getting unfairly told off by my parents. By pointing out irritating failings in his comments I managed to provoke the same angry response I got all those years ago.



Now I'm not 8 and he isn't 13. My brother and I are both mature now, and we're smart enough to know what was happening, so he didn't get told off by my parents, and I still have my teeth, but as he protested telling me I am argumentative, and as I frustrated him  by reminding him of his unreasonable opinion, I thought about how we got to where we are now. How just like glaciers carved the rock into hills and valleys, our time growing up together helped carve our personalities. As last night wore on, and the entire population of Aberfeldy tried in vein to take on the Allen boys in doubles pool. I felt so proud to be once again back to back with him taking on the world.

Stereotypes aren't always wrong, they aren't always unjust, but the truth is that they don't tell the whole story. Searching for the larger picture can be fun, entertaining and inspirational. Assuming a people have a "type" is not as big a problem as not asking where the "type" came from.

Prickle Rash

My beautiful fiance told me I was not allowed to kiss her as I would give her ’Prickle Rash’.....

Now i’m not sure what prickle rash is, but it sounds like fun. She didnt think so however and kicked me off the couch until I shaved.

I hate shaving, it stings and it feels unpleasantly like your skin has been flattened by an iron. Its very hard to get even, I spend ages trying to get every last bit of stubble, but it hides for ages until you start getting amorous. You touch your chin, a last check before you make your move, and blow me if underneath your chin your havent got a hedgehog!

I’m not keen on aftershave either, which burns even though its cold. I don’t get what girls like in aftershave. I had an ex who went barmy for ’Polo’, I could have sworn it was made from horse dung, but all i had to do was put the damn stuff on and she was putty. When she left me for a jockey, i wasnt surprised.

I love my girl though, and for her I would do almost anything, but I wondered if this was a major issue with women. I know that it can be cool to be stubbly. George Michael and Don Johnson in the eighties, Bruce Willis in the nineties, and now an increase in pop star goaties and celebrity small beards in the last 10 years suggests that facial hair is bigger than ever. Thats not to mention the hip shaggy styles from our friends in the mountains of afghanistan!

Having said that fashion makes big mistakes, like shoulder pads, blockerboots and leg warmers (apologies to all those that have recently bought leg warmers as they are apparently back in)

I saw a teenager the other day, who was struggling with her really high high-heals. She was crouching for balance, which made her arse stick out like a waddling duck. I just knew that later on she would jump into my cab, and take her shoes off in agony, I’d have to descretely open a window cos tights dont smell as good at the end of the night as they do at the start.

She wore a teeny tiny skirt and a huge puffer jacket and reminded me of the michelin man on stilts. No! She looked like one of those office toy flamingoes that swing back and forth until the beak dips into the water when it straightens up.

Her friend was wearing a muddy set of puffy boots, that looked a little like they did when they belonged to whichever animal made them. Im sure i got a pair of slippers that looked just like them a couple of years back. Mine had claws on the end though. Cool!

Blokes are no better though. Why do they bother to wear jeans at all. Just go out in your damn underpants, we can see your saggy arse anyway!

I’m just saying fashion has had its bad days. So I am asking the Question?

What is it you do or dont like about mens facial hair?

For me I have always liked the fact that i can scratch the back of my hand whilst driving, and they way my little girl rubs her tiny hands against it.

So comments please.

My friends and I

I came across a face-recognition system a while back and had a little fun. I've just tried it on a few of my friends and found some look-a-likes! What do you think?

 

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Finally my girl. Now i cant quite decide, but i dont really care cos shes scrummy anyhow. God knows what she sees in me though!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are any of them alike, or are they forced? Do these look-a-like programmes work or not? Let me know what you think?