Stereotypes, Racism and My Two Front Teeth

There is something odd about Stereotypes. We all recognise them as being intrinsically wrong. After all they assume that everyone is alike, which they obviously aren't. The only trouble is that clearly there is something right about stereotypes too. Whether you like it or not, the Americans are gun-toting, the French are arrogant, the Japanese do take pictures of everything and the English do create "little england" wherever they go. That is not to say that all of them are, but enough to make it a reasonable stereotype.

If they are a reasonable picture of a people or a culture though, why are we so offended by them. In the UK we had a hit show in the 70's called "Mind Your Language". It was totally successful right up to the end of its run, and had massive viewing figures. It was however racist, and ITV took it off the air. The show was about an english speaking school. The english teacher would try to teach people from different nationalities the nuances of english. The french lady was whistful and sexy, the italian man was passionate and gaudy, the japanese man had a strict code of conduct and so on.



My mother is Chilean and she loved it. She recognised and associated with the spanish bartender character Juan. She understood his protective family values, she laughed herself silly when Juan would treat Mr Brooks the teacher like his closest brother, and laughed harder still when he would raise his fists at the teacher and threaten him with a "punch up". The truth is that in Chile, they have strong family values. They are very protective, and should you be welcomed into the family circle of friends then you really are like the lost brother returned. I experienced this myself when were in Chile. I had never met these people my mother introduced me to, but their welcome was honest and heart-warming in a way I had not experienced before.

This show was filled with stereotypes, from the efficient german au pair, to the chairman mau quoting chinese lady. It was also filled with warmth celebrating our differences and understanding that each nationality has a different set of problems when trying to conform to the british way of thinking.

In the end, as the world got more PC, this well watched show was shown to be racist. As a brit I understand that on the one level we are just laughing at the funny foreigners and their stupid ways. On another hand though it was saying we are all different, let's not be frightened to say so.



The truth is that each and every stereotype has come from somewhere. There are however, reasons for them. Not excuses exactly, but reasons. There is a stereotype of the English being arrogant and nationalistic, superior and outspoken. Pretty much everything you get from Al Murray's "The Pub Landlord". We have an unhappy history in England, we have lorded it over half the world for many years. We have exported "Britishness" and reaped its rewards. And now we are paying for it. The English are disliked the world over for its oppressive history. From our closest neighbour Scotland, to Australia on the other side of the world, everyone enjoys seeing us fail.

We are not an apologetic people as a rule however, so instead of crawling into a corner we stubbornly stand out unabashed claiming how wonderful we must be for everyone to want to beat us. We become visciously protective of our nationalism, shouting from the highest rooftop how we do things better than everyone else, and no-one will tell us what to do, especially those foreigners in Europe. Obviously this isn't everyone, but all the english feel this streak of jingoistic zeal around them.

When asked "What is England?" however, we tend to struggle. We know its not double decker buses and beefeater hats, but over hundereds of years of trying to keep an empire, then a commonwealth and always a United Kingdom we lost our identity in a way the Scots, Irish and Welsh would never have done.



To say "What is Britain?" however! We know instantly of a proud nation fighting alone against insurmountable odds, of a parliament that was the template of governmental process around the world, of a system of laws and courts that balances our sense of equality and justice, of a talented and well educated people that have influenced the worlds thinking from Charles Darwin to Isaac Newton, that changed the way we see the world from William Shakespeare to George Orwell, and who led the world in creative invention from Isambard Kingdom Brunel's brindges to  Adam Smiths ideas on competition.

Anyway, the reason I mention all of this is because this Christmas I am staying with my brother in Scotland. He is 5 years older than me and we used to do exactly what the archetypal stereotype of brothers do. We fought all the time, were horrid to each other at every opportunity, we were jealous and competitive at every turn but we would fight side by side if someone hurt us, and backed each other through thick and thin when trying to get one past our parents.

Today as we were driving through the snow, some of the old arguments were brought up. There was no way that I could compete with my brother physically when I was young so I learnt how to get to him emotionally. In fact I became an expert in it. I could get him to fight me within a minute if I wanted to, and since he had no reasonable response, he would end up punching my teeth out. I would claim the moral victory and get the double bonus of him getting unfairly told off by my parents. By pointing out irritating failings in his comments I managed to provoke the same angry response I got all those years ago.



Now I'm not 8 and he isn't 13. My brother and I are both mature now, and we're smart enough to know what was happening, so he didn't get told off by my parents, and I still have my teeth, but as he protested telling me I am argumentative, and as I frustrated him  by reminding him of his unreasonable opinion, I thought about how we got to where we are now. How just like glaciers carved the rock into hills and valleys, our time growing up together helped carve our personalities. As last night wore on, and the entire population of Aberfeldy tried in vein to take on the Allen boys in doubles pool. I felt so proud to be once again back to back with him taking on the world.

Stereotypes aren't always wrong, they aren't always unjust, but the truth is that they don't tell the whole story. Searching for the larger picture can be fun, entertaining and inspirational. Assuming a people have a "type" is not as big a problem as not asking where the "type" came from.

Too Late to be a Father

I havent talked too much about my fantastic trip to Oklahoma, probably because to me it was so personal, but I wanted to tell you about something that happened today. My fiance Angela has two children. One J is a nine year old rebellious boy, who is funny, energetic and hard to handle if you have a headache. The other J is 5, she is sweet, adorable and wonderfully manipulative.

They are two typical adorable smart kids. I was truly worried about them before I left for the US. Angela, I had spoken to for hours on end about everything and anything, laughing the nights away, but her children were another matter. I knew that the success of our relationship would depend on how I managed with her two precocious kids.

When I arrived and met my Angel in the airport, we were as we always knew we would be, in love. The next few hours however, whilst we chatted in a restaurant, were nervy. How would they take me, would they take one look and decide I would never be included into their family, or would they think of me instantly as a climbing frame, how would a guy with no children of his own deal with two kids for the first time.

The fact that they were at their grandma's, another daunting prospect, made the experience all the more terrifying. As i tentatively walked through the swing door, having never seen an american front room and unsure wheher to expect a gun rack and a moose head staring at me from the far wall, a tiny high pitched voice screamed "PETER!" and a scamp no taller than a push bike had leapt on me and in a frenzy of blonde locks i was forced backwards. Naturally i could do nothing except grab the hairy rogue pixie by the legs and dangle her upside down. This caused instant giggles and the other one clearly decided it was safe and I was entitled to a hug. A rare treat as it turned out.

I have never felt so elated or bowled over before by such undeserved emotion. Something I intend to justify in the coming years.

The reason I mention them today is because whilst on the phone earlier to my beloved as she collected the kids from daycare, i overheard the school teacher inform her that her son, the tear-away, the vagabond, the waife, the street-urchin, the funniest 9 year old i have ever met, had won Student of the Year. I filled with Joy and Pride for him, laughing and smiling like a cheshire cat as I danced around the kitchen.

It reminded me of scoring the winning goal in the playground football match, or getting the deciding question in the pub quiz. I wanted to pick him up and spin him round in the air. To watch him look down on my excited face in laughing wonderment. And it didnt matter that he was not my blood. It didnt matter that he would never think of me as father. Just like my father looked after my half brother as a son, I was happy to do the same to him. To love him and care for him and protect him and guide him as best as I could. To nurture his imagination and fill him with ideas that had given me so many tremendous dreams.

You know, i'm getting on a bit now. My crows feet are growing and revealing my secrets to the world. And It may be all too late now for me to be a father. I'm sure I had my opportunities, but I always thought there would be more time. I may have missed my chance to see the birth of my blood, of my creation, of my child. I may never experience what its like to see that beautiful crimson squished up face regard you with such sincerity and need, or that tiny hand with nails like flakes of cheese, and chunky palms like tiny sandbags reach up and grab my nose. I may never know what it is to be helplessly stunned by such a helpless baby. It may be too late for me to be a father, but maybe , just maybe it's not too late for me to be a dad.

My Offer

I've been thinking about this alot recently. It occured to me that if I am to find a perfect woman for me, then I should at least have an idea as to what I really am after.

Obviously, we make compromises, and obviously there are things that come out from left field that make us think again, and obviously there is still plenty about ourselves that we have yet to discover... but in principle it makes sense to have an ideal, before you start. Something to aim for so to speak, so here it goes... my perfect woman.

Lets start with the most important thing, A smile. I dont care who you are, but a good smile gives even the ugliest gurner a few extra points in the attractive stakes.

..

My girl has to have a smile, and she has to use it often. I have no idea why young women feel its vital to look like they're sucking on lemons, but it tends to be the rule that the slimmer the girl, the more depressed they look, like years of eating rabbit food and jogging has made them all grumpy!

Naturally eyes and a smile go with each other like abbot and costello (whos on first... so funny), so they have to have eyes, preferably 2, in their head and not on a stick, or in their pockets or anything. The eyes must be strong and show expression and emotion easily.

Next they have to laugh alot. A sense of humour is vital. I want the kind of girl that cant stop laughing when i get on a roll, but that can take me in a new direction and fold me up like a piece of paper when im not expecting it. I want the kind of girl that is prepared to be silly, especially about herself.

She needs to be fun, not necessarily singing at the top of her voice at a karaoke bar, but certainly game for trying a round of pictionary or two on a whiteboard.

She needs to understand art... I have been thinking about this alot, and whilst I dont mean she can wax lyrical as to why a disected cow is a profound description of the modern values of our pleural society, she does understand why drum and bass is as important to art as a light turning on and off, or even the latest Batman movie.

As a rule, actually she needs to be up for change, and up for new ideas. I sometimes laugh at the idea of underwear riding higher than trousers like you see in the young guys today, but I have been known to make such fashion statements as jesters trousers at the local restaurant from time to time, and fancy dress parties are a must!

Change is important to me, I have no intention of being here in 5 years let alone 10 so my girl needs to be up and ready for something totally new. Before you start thinking I'm off to India for a 6 month sabatical, I'm not. In fact you're more likely to see me becoming a recluse in alaska. I like a steady move but a move, so she needs to be ready for change. She needs to adapt, and be prepared for just about anything. I have in the past just decided to drive to Scotland on a whim, so my girl needs to be ready to jump, but the fact is my brother lives in scotland so the jump was at least considered, and only lasted a week... Not so much a jump as a hop.

She also needs to be able to keep a secret. I am emotionally private and would never disrespect anyones confidence. I expect that in my perfect girl, cos contrary to what you might think... I have loads of secrets.

As for what she looks like, well I'm short so she should be, and I have never had a thing for rakes. Personally I never understood the argument about skinny women. NEVER when I was at school did I look at the skeleton in science class and think WHOA!!!

No, my girl will have curves! without doubt.

She needs to be adventurous and be forthright, she needs to stand up and say this is what I believe in, even if I totally disagree, but she also needs to listen, be tolerant, and at least try to understand me, as I will her. And she will have ambitions, realistic ambitions and achievable ones. She will be grateful for any help I can give her, and she will try to help me achieve mine.

She will love me totally for who I am and who I want to be, and she will always back me up, no matter how crazy I am getting.

For that I will give her body and soul forever. Without equivication or compromise. I will be there for her with her always. And give her everything I have the capacity to. I will support her and cherish her and be honest to her and never let her go out with her dress tucked in her pants, or with a label showing.

I will spend my entire life trying to make her happy and make her laugh everyday. I will wake up every morning next to her and tell her how much I love her and tell her everyday how much I fancy her even when she's 80 and all wrinkly and saggy.

Im not sure if thats a fair deal, maybe someone out there could suggest more things they demand. But for the moment thats the deal.

Life is for living and I want someone who knows how to live, without trying to kill themselves.

The Trouble With Rhubarb

I take these kids from a private school to London and around from time to time. They're great fun, and we have a laugh. On the way there is this old rhubarb stall down one of the country lanes. It sells rhubarb and just rhubarb for £1 a bunch. You take the stuff and leave your pound. No-one mans it, and it appears to be open 24/7.

I have often joked with the kids that no-one could possibly need emergency rhubarb. I have a picture of a cook in a manor house screaming at the kitchen maid that someone has taken the last rhubarb, and now the master will have none for his tea! After all Rhubarb, for all those that have never tried it, is not the nicest vegetable in the world. Its sweet like a fruit, but more like grapefruit that strawberries, it's coarse and tough and has to be boiled over til it goes squidgy. Its stringy like celery, and its leaves are poisonous. It has practically no cooking use except for being a perfect accompaniment for apples in a crumble.

Anyway, so todays trip went fine, and on the way back, I did what my online friend told me to do recently. I was driving down the M3, the same place where my ex fiance told me just 4 weeks ago she didnt want to be with me and I listened to my conscience. Then, the thought of this emergency rhubarb came back to me. The whole idea of the old cook, trying to think of what to stick in her crumble instead of rhubarb.

My ex as you probably now know, has a now 3 yr old daughter. She's adorable, cute, funny. A great kid, and I miss her desperately.

As a mother, my ex has a different agenda to some women. She has to think about her daughter too when picking a partner, so its really important that the daughter likes the new guy. She needs to know that the new guy is capable of looking after both of them, wont hurt them in any way, and specifically, that he loves both her and her young one.

Now, I was up for that. I had fallen for both of them in a big way. I expected it to be much harder than a normal relationship, but I was totally prepared to bring up another mans daughter as my own, even though I knew that in later rebellious years she would tell me over and over that I'm not her dad, even though I knew that people would always wonder what I was up to with a teenage girl that wasn't mine, even though her real father would eventually start sniffing around as soon as we married as he wouldnt have to pay maintenence anymore, even though my ex didnt want me to adopt her, but just to change her name, which meant I had no rights in a divorce.

Despite all that, and always being in second place, the second concern in the heart of the one I love, I was happy, delighted for that chance.

I was changing careers for them, moving to a place I couldn't afford for them, studying and working all the time, so I could take them out and buy them things. I liked it, I was happy doing it. And no-one would tell me I was taking a chance, or trying too hard because they knew I was in love, and they couldnt stop me

The thing is, that even though I was happy to be second best to her daughter, I wasnt happy ever to be third best or even fourth best sometimes. I realised that her family, or work, or sometimes her friends were more important to please. I was jealous of this. I hated thinking of myself as so unimportant, so unrequired.

I have since realised that I am selfish, that I do demand attention, and it was this attention she didnt have the time for. I need to be needed, and I was not needed. That was my problem. Obviously, there were other things that went wrong too, but in the end, if I didnt care about myself so much, I could have gotten over the minor problems.

She understood this much better than me, probably because her responsibilities were so much greater. She knew that in the end, I needed more than she was prepared to give, and that we had been living on borrowed time. She hoped that I would find a way to change, adjust or make do, but I didnt, I couldn't, it just wasn't me. I needed something else, something more exclusive. Something unique and individual to me. I needed Rhubarb.

Dating a single parent is very very hard.

So, I'm taking a stand with this blog, once and for all. I'm listening to my conscience and admitting my mistakes. I was not the right man for her, I know that now. I dont hold any grudges, she chose correctly. She chose for her daughter. She chose for her future. She chose something else, and thats fine.

There will always be a part of me that loves her, but I have learnt to let her go and to hang on to my sanity. I have a new life ahead of me now, with a new place to live, and soon a new job. And if my online keep fit buddy keeps pushing me, a new body shape soon...lol.

I am moving on, to something different. I will never forget her, but know if I had the chance to live the last 16months exactly the same, despite all the misery and heartache at the end, I would do so. And I would love it all over again.

I really genuinely hope she finds what she is looking for, and that she will be happy. I know it will be hard for me to see her around with someone else, but my life must go on.

For my part, I now know one of my weaknesses, and so know another thing I should be looking for.

Giving you a heads up

I've struggled writing this one. I just cant get the subject right, so this is my third, fourth, fifth attempt. Wish me luck.

I know that if you have been following my story of woe, you're probably sick to death of hearing about it. For that i'm sorry, I am trying to expand my blogging material out, but it's difficult. Amyhow, that probably explains why this one shoots off in all directions.

It struck me that falling out of love (or getting kicked out of love) is a kind of mourning. I've been trying to remember what the five stages of mourning are again. I wonder which one I am on. And perhaps most importantly, whether I should feel bad about seeming to go through them quite quickly. After all, we broke up a fortnight ago, and I'm getting on okay. Admittedly the events of the last 3-4 days have helped me.

I'm no longer crying my eyes out at the dinner table, or breaking down at work, but I still shed a few tears whilst watching Armaggeddon this afternoon (I mean come on! Its not like 'What Dreams May Come' or 'Notting Hill'!).

I have pretty much dug out all her stuff, although I'm not looking forward to the exchange. She sent me a message yesterday explaining why she finished a second time (sort of), and even though the blood is thicker than water excuse is worse than poor, I didnt feel much about it. It's over, does it really matter why?

(onto rewrite 6)

For all women reading this that dont know there are simple and easy clues to tell if any man loves you. I haven't made this up, but I havent named them all either, so here goes

The easiest one is if he is proud of you. He should be showing you off, not just to his friends and family, but in a club, bar or bowling alley. He should be itching for you to be seen with him, If he isn't then give it up, he doesn't think you're good enough. You'd be amazed the amount of women coming out of the clubs and getting in my car that dont know this!

If he isn't nervous, he isn't interested. He will want you to like him, so he should be scared a little. If he's too cocky, then back away. He wants something else rather than a relationship. Which may be fine, but you're better off knowing beforehand.

If he's not interested in you now, he NEVER will be. I'm not saying you have to do what he does, but if a guy is in love he wants to know everything about you, from why you like the colour green, to when was the last time you voted.

If he doesnt challenge you, he doesn't love you. If he doesnt disagree with you about some things, he just isn't listening. He's probably thinking about something else. At best its how to get in your pants, at worst it's how to get in your best friends.

If he runs hot and cold, there is a problem. Girls seem to like nothing more than a guy who runs hot and cold, but almost always, they are rebounding in some way (rebounding - bouncy bouncy, may be an english term, not sure, so a brief explanation is he's trying to find a replacement for someone else he did/does love)

This last one is important. Men dont mean to rebound. We really do want to be in love with you. We really do mean it when we say we love you, but it's not the 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' love, its the 'you are a really good friend and I dont want to let you down' sort of love. And in the end, we feel guilty, and you feel heart-broken.

The problem with rebounds is that we tick all the boxes with the other obvious signs, we lavish you with attention, and love you passionately, we listen to you intently, and show you off to our mums in a week. But be afraid, be very afraid.

Rebounding is something men do alot. I kind of hope someone tells me women do it too, but I'm guessing not so often. Its part of our healing process. I know that may sound sexist, and it is, but there are reasons.

Firstly, its tradition for a man to as a woman out, we are the aggressors, if you like, so instead of sitting at home and hiding in the dark which we consider weak and unhealthy, we get invited out to bars, this is our way of getting over it.

Secondly, when a relationship ends, the person dumped feels a huge sense of unattractiveness, maybe you werent enough for her, that sort of thing. Men get over this by chatting women up in bars, clubs wherever. After all no-one will come up to us in the office and ask us out.

Thirdly, because we feel like we did something wrong last time, we spend a huge amount of time, making sure we do it right this time. This is the guilt factor again. The attention we lavish on you can be overpowering, and if you dont spot it, you can fall in love heavily. And because we are already feeling guilty, we have a hard time telling you we dont want to be with you really.

Finally, sex is not so emotional for men (as a rule) than for women. We dont see it in the same way, its more instinctive. So the first thing we do when we've split up with someone important is to find a new sexual partner quickly. We dont mean to be cruel or malicious, we just want sex.

I'm still not happy with this blog. I guess I will figure out whats wrong with it in time, but as a guy who is dreading the idea of the next rebound, and desperately promising himself he wont do it, or if he does then it doesnt hurt her too much, I felt it important to tell you what to look out for, Less someone like me turn up at your door at 4 in the morning singing you love songs.

OMG Last Night

My friend was sat with my ex. She was clearly fed up with us banging on at eachother, so she got us to agree to meet on Saturday night. (Friends network for you)

Next I get a text from my ex. Come down to the pub, if you want us to talk.

I um and ahh about it. My stomach feels like the titanic but get going.

When I walk in, it's all smiles and happiness. And this is what we're going to do. I'm to move in with Chris as planned, and she will find her own place, then we'll take it slow and after a few months I can move in with her, and shall we put our rings back on?

I have to do a double take, its all going so fast. So I take her to one side and we chat. She's all tears, I realise I gave up, I've matured, I know how much I love you and how hard I will work to keep us going, I know my dad is manipulating me, and I have to get out for my daughters sake. I break down when she says that.

Then its my turn, I tell her going back would be really hard. The only way we could do it properly is by running somewhere new where you can be yourself. That you're not told what to do. Where you can really work out who you are and what you want. That we cant do it the normal way anymore. Too many bridges to be rebuilt too quickly.

She's listening and saying yes I know, I will, we'll do it together, I really love you.

After a tearful and hopeful drive home she sends me this...

Goodnight the love of my life, sleep well xxxx.      I reply

Goodnight. It was so special to be with you again. I love you so much, and even though it will be hard, I know I am a better man by your side.

Hopeful, you know, but recognising this will be tricky.

This morning I get a text...

I'm sorry, I do love you, but I wont let you hurt me again. So no, we're not back together bye x

What am I supposed to do with that, except run away. As fast as I can. At best she's not got a clue what she wants or she hasn't the guts to stand up for herself (Bad News City), In the middle she has been persuaded by her dad to write this text or her dad has stolen the phone and written it himself (Danger Town!) or at worse, she set me up with the express hope i'll go over the edge (Oh my god, they've dropped the bomb!!!)

But, the thing is, I dont feel like that. I thought I would when I got the message, but last noght something didnt fit right, like it was a dream. Everyone was too happy, and didnt seem to see how I felt. I was shitting bricks! I was scared senseless of getting hurt again.

When they were planning camping trips and holidays, i'm thinking how can I get out of the room and catch my breath.

I protected myself. I didn't believe it, and blow me if i didn't protect myself. I love her more than the earth, but I didnt think for one minute she would actually do the things she swore she was going to do.

I'm not really sure if I am just punchdrunk or numb, but im ok and thats what matters

My Ex

Ok, the is the last blog about this, cos its boring and alot has happened since I put the music blog some two or three hours ago.

For one, I haven't slept. So bearing in mind its now 10.45am, i'm in for a tough day.

If anyone is reading this and doesn't know whats going on then read the blog I didn't want to write, and if you cant cos its blocked, then never mind eh.

The girl I was texting texted me back today, i had tried to get in touch to help sort this mess out, but got nothing. And boy, when she called back she had some skinny to tell.

Firstly my ex was not shown the texts by the girl (we'll call her peanut!), but instead by her good friend (we'll call bitchface). This is important because my ex was under the impression I had been texting bitchface.

Secondly, the texts were fakes. SHOCK HORROR! Peanut told me straight, she showed bitchface them once only and there was no way they were copied.

Thirdly, my ex believed the texts were still happening (which they weren't) because bitchface told her they were.

Fourthly, Bitchface fell out with peanut a couple of months ago, because she stole £3000. Peanut put a charge against her and so she is out for revenge.

Fifthly, when bitchface was due in court, she was hiding up in Norfolk and guess who drove up there, picked her up, brought her down and paid bail.... go on... i know you can guess.... my ex's dad!!!!!

When I told this to my ex she refused to accept it at all, instead saying that her dad was all behind giving me another chance. Rubbish, he's been making life difficult for us since we got engaged, not paying me money he owes me, £250, not paying my friends money he owes them, not letting my ex see me, not supporting us when we said we wanted to marry in a registry office (he said he wouldn't go unless it was a church)

The Man's a liar, and a manipulator, and a crook. I will never talk to either of them again. They deserve each other.

I know that sounds angry, well it is, but its at least a little justified, because now I know for sure that

a. He's not worth the shit on my shoe.
b. She never loved me.

I have now wasted far too much time on them, so thats that.

Hope you are all happy and having a nice day.

A Brief History

I hate that I'm writing this blog, but I have to. I have disallowed comments, because this is personal but please write me a message if you want. I've also put this to friends only, because there are lots of people I would rather not see it.

It's quite long and hard to write so please forgive me.

When I was 18 I met a girl called Sarah, we were very happy, but I was young and naive. I didn't know what I wanted. I didnt really know what Love meant, so when I had an opportunity to cheat, I did. I never got beyond heavy petting because when I realised what I was doing and what I was risking I left. I practically ran away from her and back to Sarah. I knew I wanted Sarah more than anything and I would do anything to make it work. It was the closest I ever got to a one night stand. Mostly due to guilt I told Sarah about it, and she forgave me. We soon got engaged. 2 years later she left me for her neighbour 20 years senior.

I should have expected it, but I have never been so hurt in all my life. It felt like my heart had exploded. I know I was wrong to cheat, but what came out of it was true devotion and commitment.

For the next 10 years I emotionally hurt women. I was unable to get over the feeling that I couldn't trust them, so when a relationship went so far I would finish it. I never cheated.

The most notable of these was Debbie. She was pretty and charming, and we stayed together for 3 years. I had to move to Wales for a while, and every night I would pray she still loved me. I will never forgive myself for what I did next. I finished with her on Christmas Day. I just couldn't take everyone being nice to us and saying how good we looked and buying us presents for our home when we get one. That week I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

I met Heather a few years ago, and made a commitment to myself that no matter how hard things got I would stick it out. If things got bad we would work through them and that I would never again give up. I didn't, but she left me 3 years later.

I have no anger towards her. Clearly we weren't right for each other and forcing the relationship wouldn't make a difference. I will always be grateful to her however as she showed me, sometimes relationships dont work, and that there is nothing you can do about it.

I spent 6 months alone, the longest period of time, and finally met Charley. She was cute and sexy, made me laugh and told me how she wanted to do anything with me and go anywhere. She had an adorable 2 year old daughter that loved me to bits. I fell in love very quickly, and asked her to marry me 6 months later.

We had been quite rampant, and not terribly careful, so she had an implant inserted. After that her sex drive just stopped. Even cuddling her or holding her hand she only did out of duty.

In the new year I met a passenger, we only met the once as she was in college. We started texting and calling and they got steadily more sexual. It felt good to be wanted again, to feel attractive, but after a fortnight I told her I could not give her what she wanted and that I would not text again. I never texted, called or saw her again

I knew how much I loved my girl and decided to tell her about it. I didn't lie once, but I had deleted the messages as I was too embarrassed. I wanted to show her I cared about her more than anything and that I would work through our problems no matter how hard they were. We set a date, talked to a vicar, booked a church, I started training for a new job that would allow me more time to spend with her and her daughter. We tried to give up smoking so we could afford a place for the three of us to live.

Yesterday she read the texts, and finished with me. Her father, who never liked me much, is good friends with this other girls best friends boyfriend. He must have had the texts for months now and was just looking for the right time to drop the bomb.

Two nights ago we had a big argument about how desperate she was to move out, how her father was controlling her, and how she found it too hard to give up smoking. Then yesterday morning she finishes me over this.

6 hours later, her father sent me the telephone number of a dating agency.

I cant chase her or fight for her. I would be fighting him and I refuse to do that. I love her desperately, but if she cant see me for what I am then I have lost her forever.

I know it is a very different thing reading them, rather than knowing of them, and I wish I hadn't done it.

I feel so alone, and lost.

I'm angry too, and maybe thats the only thing that will get me through this. I feel manipulated and helpless. And let down because she could have talked to me, confronted me. If she really felt the same way I do, she would at least have tried to understand, especially as I told her all about it 5 months earlier.

Yesterday was a terrible day, and apart from a few abusive text messages, I have not spoken to her. Right now I love her desperately and hate her for giving up so easily.

Anyhow, thats my story.

What is it about girlfriends, (Crisps in bed)

The lady I intend to marry is possibly the most adorable person on the planet and I am totally besotted by her. She has a smile to die for, she makes me laugh at the most unexpected times. She brightens up any room she enters. She is sweet and ladylike at all times. My mum loves her. My friends think she's great, and I cant wait til the next time I get to see her.

And yet...

Despite my complete adoration for her...

She still finds it funny when I suffer!!!



Tonight, she crumbled a packet of Doritoes in my bed. An entire packet of cheesy doritoes!  You wouldn't think she could hurt a fly and yet she takes great delight in making my life miserable.

So I get to my bedroom and get ready for bed. Turn on the TV and turn out the light. Watch TV for a bit, whilst lying on top of the duvet. Then slip into the bed! I didnt know they were in there, I didnt know they would be crumbled if I lay ON the bed. I didnt know that they could end up where they did!



Naturally, They are no longer edible! I have just spent the last half hour, changing the sheets, hoovering the bedroom, and having a shower.

My message to her (which I cant deny was a little retributional) was returned with the simple comment "BRING IT ON!!!!"

Where is the sympathy? Where is the compassion?



AND No, this is not the first time I have suffered from such consternation. Salt in my coffee, pepper in my underwear, scareing me senseless when im watching a horror movie. Nor the first girl!

I had a foreign tv that had a european style two pin plug. The plugs pins weren't straight though, so in my stupidity i held both pins together to push them into the adapter, which was already in the wall.

The shock that surged through my body shot me across the room, my hair frizzled, and if you looked carefully you would have seen smoke coming out of my ears.



And what did my ex do? She could have rushed over to see if I was alright. She could have got me a pillow and told me to stay where I was for a minute. She could even have called an ambulance!!!

She could have done any of these things, but she was too busy eating the carpet with laughter.



I was not amused.

And I'm not amused now.

This is a warning. At some time in the near future I will seek my revenge. It may be sending your mum a vibrator in the post, or cling film on your toilet seat but it will be sweet!



I'm still itchy!!!!!

My Big Mistake

Someone on here reminded me of a story about an old girlfriend.

Now in a lifetime you will probably have no more than 3 really important relationships, the rest are mistakes of gigantic proportions... think WMD's.

I had just ended my first such relationship, and quite honestly I was heart-broken. I say heart-broken, but it was more like someone had turned off the lights and turned the heat down, the doors are open and there's a bear outside with a bad temper and big teeth and i am sat on a wet stone chair wearing nothing but a pair of slippers and her navy blue scarf with the tassles on the end.

And when I say just ended... I mean 6 months.

My friends having had similar experience in their hidden past knew the only thing to do was to get out there... It is the only thing to do by the way, well that or eat your own feet, and quite honestly I like my slippers.

Despite not being interested in a relationship, I was aware that i had grown callouses on my hands and I was having to lie to the lady at the supermarket that we needed so much toilet roll because we were making a giant sculpture of a white elephant.

Now, let me tell you, you are never more attractive than when you are not in the market. Years of coming out with witty and original chat-up lines, years of buying drinks and getting the cold shoulder, lets be honest... years of being slapped were forgotten when we broke up. Suddenly i couldn't do anything wrong. When I was bad tempered, they thought i was dark and moody, when i cried I was deep and sensitive, and when I shouted, they imagined a bad boy needing to be tamed.

I didnt take advantage once, no matter how pretty, how funny, how charismatic they were.

I was such an idiot.

There was one girl that I could see myself going out with. I still wasn't ready and didn't want to hurt her by rebounding spectacularly, but I had to start somewhere. Typically, when I least needed it, she fell in love with me in a "I'm ready to jump across the grand canyon because you think I can" sort of way.

It was a nightmare, partly because she was already talking about our future together, which in this case consisted of anything I wanted no matter how daft I made it. When I said I wouldn't marry anyone unless the entire congregation was naked, she told her mum the next day. That was an embarrasing sunday dinner I can tell you. When I said I wanted her to get an education, she started a home-ed course within a week.

It was also a nightmare because I felt so guilty about not feeling anything for her. She was ready to walk water for me, and I wouldn't even make the bed.

The relationship ended tragically 6 months later on a horrible rainy night that I had spent drinking and not telling her where I was. She had rung the hospitals and the police. I was very drunk and very blunt, and to my never ending shame, I didnt tell her until after we had sex.

A few days later when she took the last of her things, she asked me in the hope-eternal if I was gay. I nearly said yes, I know she wanted me to say yes, it was so easy for me to say yes. I  just... didn't. There was no homophobia about it, I just didnt want to lie anymore. The one time I could have lied and felt good I didn't!

A few years later I saw her mother in a market. She spotted me and made a bee-line for me straight away. I had avoided both of them since the break-up and this was the first time she had an opportunity to tell me what she thought, in a crowded place, during the day. I looked around like a trapped rabbit but there was nowhere to run. My fate was sealed.

But to my surprise she hugged me close and told me that her daughter had changed so much during our time together. She had started studying, passed her drivers licence, started her own business (something I had suggested on a whim one night because I was fed up of hearing about her work friends), bought a house, married with a young baby on the way. She told me my ex had become a well-adjusted, intergrated, responsible member of society and it had been our relationship that had turned her around and made her focus.

She even invited me to tea, naturally I declined in case it was a trap.

So here's the point.

Sometimes we feel like the devil because of the things we have done wrong. Like there is no chance at redemption and even if we beg for forgiveness our priest will say "hmmm, not sure about this one kid!".

Life goes on though, and our ex's may well have needed this pain to learn something about themselves, maybe that they were to naive, or too needy, or too cocky, or maybe that they need to focus on something they can control.

They may feel pain and terrible anguish, but in the end they will be stronger, more mature, more confident and much better equipped to take on the dissappointments that all life brings.

Any relationship is just another patch on life's private quilt, and it often looks different when you see the other side.

I have had many times when I caused terrible pain, and I have had one important relationship that made me buy new slippers. I would never have gotten through it if it wasn't for this ex. She gave me something else to think about other than the deep never-ending abyss. For that I will never forget her.

Night.