My friend was sat with my ex. She was clearly fed up with us banging on at eachother, so she got us to agree to meet on Saturday night. (Friends network for you)
Next I get a text from my ex. Come down to the pub, if you want us to talk.
I um and ahh about it. My stomach feels like the titanic but get going.
When I walk in, it's all smiles and happiness. And this is what we're going to do. I'm to move in with Chris as planned, and she will find her own place, then we'll take it slow and after a few months I can move in with her, and shall we put our rings back on?
I have to do a double take, its all going so fast. So I take her to one side and we chat. She's all tears, I realise I gave up, I've matured, I know how much I love you and how hard I will work to keep us going, I know my dad is manipulating me, and I have to get out for my daughters sake. I break down when she says that.
Then its my turn, I tell her going back would be really hard. The only way we could do it properly is by running somewhere new where you can be yourself. That you're not told what to do. Where you can really work out who you are and what you want. That we cant do it the normal way anymore. Too many bridges to be rebuilt too quickly.
She's listening and saying yes I know, I will, we'll do it together, I really love you.
After a tearful and hopeful drive home she sends me this...
Goodnight the love of my life, sleep well xxxx. I reply
Goodnight. It was so special to be with you again. I love you so much, and even though it will be hard, I know I am a better man by your side.
Hopeful, you know, but recognising this will be tricky.
This morning I get a text...
I'm sorry, I do love you, but I wont let you hurt me again. So no, we're not back together bye x
What am I supposed to do with that, except run away. As fast as I can. At best she's not got a clue what she wants or she hasn't the guts to stand up for herself (Bad News City), In the middle she has been persuaded by her dad to write this text or her dad has stolen the phone and written it himself (Danger Town!) or at worse, she set me up with the express hope i'll go over the edge (Oh my god, they've dropped the bomb!!!)
But, the thing is, I dont feel like that. I thought I would when I got the message, but last noght something didnt fit right, like it was a dream. Everyone was too happy, and didnt seem to see how I felt. I was shitting bricks! I was scared senseless of getting hurt again.
When they were planning camping trips and holidays, i'm thinking how can I get out of the room and catch my breath.
I protected myself. I didn't believe it, and blow me if i didn't protect myself. I love her more than the earth, but I didnt think for one minute she would actually do the things she swore she was going to do.
I'm not really sure if I am just punchdrunk or numb, but im ok and thats what matters
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