I hate that I'm writing this blog, but I have to. I have disallowed comments, because this is personal but please write me a message if you want. I've also put this to friends only, because there are lots of people I would rather not see it.
It's quite long and hard to write so please forgive me.
When I was 18 I met a girl called Sarah, we were very happy, but I was young and naive. I didn't know what I wanted. I didnt really know what Love meant, so when I had an opportunity to cheat, I did. I never got beyond heavy petting because when I realised what I was doing and what I was risking I left. I practically ran away from her and back to Sarah. I knew I wanted Sarah more than anything and I would do anything to make it work. It was the closest I ever got to a one night stand. Mostly due to guilt I told Sarah about it, and she forgave me. We soon got engaged. 2 years later she left me for her neighbour 20 years senior.
I should have expected it, but I have never been so hurt in all my life. It felt like my heart had exploded. I know I was wrong to cheat, but what came out of it was true devotion and commitment.
For the next 10 years I emotionally hurt women. I was unable to get over the feeling that I couldn't trust them, so when a relationship went so far I would finish it. I never cheated.
The most notable of these was Debbie. She was pretty and charming, and we stayed together for 3 years. I had to move to Wales for a while, and every night I would pray she still loved me. I will never forgive myself for what I did next. I finished with her on Christmas Day. I just couldn't take everyone being nice to us and saying how good we looked and buying us presents for our home when we get one. That week I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
I met Heather a few years ago, and made a commitment to myself that no matter how hard things got I would stick it out. If things got bad we would work through them and that I would never again give up. I didn't, but she left me 3 years later.
I have no anger towards her. Clearly we weren't right for each other and forcing the relationship wouldn't make a difference. I will always be grateful to her however as she showed me, sometimes relationships dont work, and that there is nothing you can do about it.
I spent 6 months alone, the longest period of time, and finally met Charley. She was cute and sexy, made me laugh and told me how she wanted to do anything with me and go anywhere. She had an adorable 2 year old daughter that loved me to bits. I fell in love very quickly, and asked her to marry me 6 months later.
We had been quite rampant, and not terribly careful, so she had an implant inserted. After that her sex drive just stopped. Even cuddling her or holding her hand she only did out of duty.
In the new year I met a passenger, we only met the once as she was in college. We started texting and calling and they got steadily more sexual. It felt good to be wanted again, to feel attractive, but after a fortnight I told her I could not give her what she wanted and that I would not text again. I never texted, called or saw her again
I knew how much I loved my girl and decided to tell her about it. I didn't lie once, but I had deleted the messages as I was too embarrassed. I wanted to show her I cared about her more than anything and that I would work through our problems no matter how hard they were. We set a date, talked to a vicar, booked a church, I started training for a new job that would allow me more time to spend with her and her daughter. We tried to give up smoking so we could afford a place for the three of us to live.
Yesterday she read the texts, and finished with me. Her father, who never liked me much, is good friends with this other girls best friends boyfriend. He must have had the texts for months now and was just looking for the right time to drop the bomb.
Two nights ago we had a big argument about how desperate she was to move out, how her father was controlling her, and how she found it too hard to give up smoking. Then yesterday morning she finishes me over this.
6 hours later, her father sent me the telephone number of a dating agency.
I cant chase her or fight for her. I would be fighting him and I refuse to do that. I love her desperately, but if she cant see me for what I am then I have lost her forever.
I know it is a very different thing reading them, rather than knowing of them, and I wish I hadn't done it.
I feel so alone, and lost.
I'm angry too, and maybe thats the only thing that will get me through this. I feel manipulated and helpless. And let down because she could have talked to me, confronted me. If she really felt the same way I do, she would at least have tried to understand, especially as I told her all about it 5 months earlier.
Yesterday was a terrible day, and apart from a few abusive text messages, I have not spoken to her. Right now I love her desperately and hate her for giving up so easily.
Anyhow, thats my story.
No comments:
Post a Comment