Too many Funerals

I have been to two tragic funerals recently, and both have upset me in different ways.

The first one was of an elderly lady. She had lived a long and exciting life, working at The Mirror Newspaper, and travelling around the world. She was an inspirational lady even if she could talk the hind legs off a donkey.

I met her first in my cab. I had had a particularly good day (around christmas). Our local radio station had put on a prize for the best christmas lights, and the town had responded exuberantly. As Mrs Douglas jumped in the car, I told her how much it would be to take her home, but would she like to look around the houses at no extra charge. She did and we laughed ourselves silly at the many displays.

About 6 months later I answered an unusual request to help someone move. It's the kind of job that takes a long time, but doesn't pay well, so the other drivers left it. I was still relatively new however and hadn't realised the full extent of the job. It turned out to be Mrs Douglas, and I instantly recognised her. The job was long and fruitless, but we didn't care so much.

Over the next 6 months we became great friends, but she had planned a move further east, and I knew it would only be a matter of time before she left for good. My parents also became good friends of her during this time though, and when she finally did leave, we all kept in touch with the occasional visit and regular very very long phone calls.

Over the New Years period she contracted an infection which spread across her body. She died in late February.

In March I went to her funeral. It was held in a crematorium in Reading. Only 6 people attended. Only one family member. One lady who was there had never met Mrs Douglas in person, but had been paid regularly over the last 12 years to put flowers on Mrs Douglas' parents grave. The one family member was a distant cousin who lived in the north of Scotland.

I felt so angry with her. I didn't know what to say or do, but after the funeral I found myself crying my eyes out for her. For the waste that had been her life.

Yesterday I went to another funeral. A young lady, only 31 years old passed away last week to the shock of her friends and family.

I knew Miss Kellaway when she was little. We used to throw big family parties, and play charades and trivial pursuit. She was always smiling and entertaining.I have an affinity to children, they mostly see me as a climbing frame as a rule. She did not. This young lady was incredibly well-behaved and polite, and took her time to get to know me. She was always involved and I liked her a lot. I didn't know her as she grew up, but I learnt she had no children, and although she was very attached to her partner, they had not married. I guess they just never got round to it.

The funeral was well attended at one of our local churches, the coffin was placed in the middle of the church before eventually being carried off to the crematorium. Her partner tried his best to read a touching poem, but was too grief-stricken to get the words out properly. Her father had written a beautiful eulogy but he too didn't have the composure to read it. As the priest took control, the whole congregation could feel the immense despair in the words.

Once again I cried, as did everyone around me.I have been to a few funerals now, many more funerals than weddings. This was by far the most personal and touching.

I was heartened to know that so many people will be thinking of her and her family as I have been today.

For my own part, I have come to some stark conclusions. Firstly I don't want to die old and alone. I know how tragic it may seem to my parents and loved ones, but I would rather die younger (not yet obviously).

Secondly, I want to be harvested. I am a humanist at heart, and believe that there is enough great beauty in this world. One of the tragedies of life here on earth, however is the inequality we all suffer. I have been lucky enough to be born here, in a decent secure stable country. I have also been born with a relatively healthy body, which I have learnt to abuse. I do feel a debt to the community I live in however, and so wish to be harvested for educational purposes or transplant. I'd rather not live in a jar, but if that's what happens then so be it.

Finally I want anyone attending my funeral to be wearing the silliest thing they possibly can, and should anyone turn up with respectable funeral clothing, then they should be given a pair of long plastic clown shoes and a big glowing red nose. I know that people could be grief-stricken, but I want them to remember this moment with a warm smile. I want them to be turning to the person next to them and chuckling. I want my final last joke to be on them.

I know that people who know me, would get the joke.

To my two friends, I salute you. You have moved onto our memories, our dreams and our stories, where all the sadness disappears and only the funny and remarkable remain. You have both been funny and remarkable, and will be well-remembered.  You have both made a difference to my life, perhaps the only truly glowing honour.

Barbara Harris and Project Prevention

I was driving back from London today, and had Radio 4 on. Now, I prefer to listen to 5live, but when you're driving to London the reception is terrible, and I like to hear chat when I'm driving.

The show that was playing was called "Taking a Stand", in which Fergal Keane (whom I have never heard of) talks to people who have unusual and outrageous views. Today he spoke to Barbara Harris.



http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qvbj

(I'm sorry, this is a link to the programme site, and not the interview itself. I am hoping someone will find a link to you tube, for people outside the UK)

I have never heard of Barbara Harris or Project Prevention, and at first this seemed like another crazy they had dragged out of some corner, and she was going to talk about how the inner-city crime problems will get resolved if we all catch the red admiral butterflies for two hours every Tuesday.

What I did hear was a truly astonishing woman, with an outrageous set of ideas. Well, specifically one idea. Pay drug addicts to get sterilized. At first, my set of liberal values jumped up and cried, "How dare she... These people are victims of our society... They are under the influence of a terrible drug and can't be expected to make decisions for themselves... What happens when they come off drugs... sterilization can't be turned back... Isn't this close to eugenics, the idea of weeding out certain races that the nazi's so vehemently pursued"



As I continued to listen though, the answers to the tough questions about the rights of individuals, the abuse of people under the influence, the inherent racism, the right winged sponsorship, I was slowly won over by her straightforwardness.

She is a focused woman, that much is clear, and when you see the world through her eyes, you can't deny her points. Her argument is simple. Society has rights, and there are too many babies who have been dumped on the state, by single mothers who have taken no care to use birth control, and are totally incapable of caring for their offspring. These women have produced many babies. Some individuals have had over ten. All of which get swept into the adoption circuit, put into care homes and hostels, or orphanages where they often grow up with rejection issues and anger management problems and drug problems.

The women if, and when, they get themselves out of the drugs problems often express huge regret and guilt at having had the babies and not cared enough for them. The state has no choice but to take responsibility for them.

The drug addict has had a choice. The baby has not. As she expressed in the fascinating interview, she does have  empathy for these women, and often offers to keeps in touch with them, but her duty is to the society she lives in, and to the babies that would have been born into a hash careless environment had she not done her work. There are other people who will care for the drug addict.

http://www.projectprevention.org/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Prevention

I was stunned by this interview and it instantly reminded me of "Freakonomics" by Steven Levitt. A truly remarkable book about statistics. And specifically his chapter on the effect of legalised abortion on crime.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legalized_abortion_and_crime_effect

In this he discusses a very direct correlation to the fall in crime figures after the Roe vs Wade case.

The truth is, I have always believed the rights of a society should outweigh the rights of an individual. That's not to say we should ignore the rights of an individual, but for too long we have worried about these individual rights and almost forgotten how these privileges have damaged our society. You just have to look around at the protections we give our children and the way they use and abuse the system against us or the way that religious rights are used to defend racist and anti-social behaviour.

Drugs have seeped into every crack in our society, and has pushed a wave of crime further and further, tearing down our walls of social understanding and respect. We are bewildered by its impact and helpless in its aftermath. Barbara Harris is taking a stand to try to limit this tide at its source, just as Roe vs Wade did by accident in the 70's, and I for one applaud her efforts.

God, Assessyphus and Determinism

I dont know how you feel but sometimes I cant help feeling that my life is just an uphill climb. Everytime something goes right, there is something or someone else that brings you down. Im starting to feel like Assessyphus in the greek fable, who tried to push his rock to the top of the hill.

As you may know, I am in love. She is a wonderful lady, funny, charming, intellegent. We live 4800 miles apart but I've never felt so close to another spirit. Our romance started in our heads at first, and we became close friends. We spent hours talking to each other every day both on the phone and online, laughing and crying, arguing and playing.  Soon we found our relationship blossoming into a special cerebral love. A close important understanding as to what we wanted, what our dreams were, what we believed in. We worked through our relationship with the distance acting like our own chaperone.

We finally met around Easter. All our lingering doubts and concerns as to whether what we were thinking was actually real vanished in the first moments of our meeting. As I walked towards her the lady on customs told me "shes been waiting over there for a while, and shes very nervous!", I barely heard her. I knew as my heart exploded with love that this was the woman I would marry. Over the next few weeks I met her family, all of which seemed to like me well enough and all of which knew by the way we were together that this was the real thing. Its odd how it seems so obvious to them having seen us together, and how difficult it is for people over here who havent.

By the end of the trip we were both planning our big day, but since that day I find myself constantly facing brick walls. Most appear to be just plain bad luck, but you cant help but wonder if god himself isnt trying to say something.

Firstly, since I returned back home from the states, I have had car trouble. Not little bits of car trouble, but great mountains of car trouble. I have had to fork out over £1000 on it since Easter. Now this is on a car, that if I were to sell right now, would only go for about £1000. If it wasnt a taxi, and if I wasnt planning to leave the country next year, i might just think to hell with it, and get another job.

In fact, that is exactly what I would have done this time last year, when the car I bought for £4k the year previously decided to cough and splutter on me. I took it to my Vauxhall Dealership who told me it was a problem that would cost me £800. Ok, i thought, thats expensive, but its just about worth it. I got a cab and paid my hard earned cash over to their desk. The VERY next day the same mechanic told me they had spotted another problem and this one would cost another £1000. If I had known the repairs would cost £1800, i wouldnt have bothered. So now im stuck... pay £1000 and get my repaired car, or lose my £800, AND my car.

So now to have yet ANOTHER massive expense is pushing me towards despair.

Then there is me... I gave up smoking in October because my girl is asthmatic. I loved smoking, and not a day goes by without me wanting a cigarette, but despite this I knew I could save money, and I wouldnt kill my girl when I finally get to be with her. I started to take regular exercise in June. I swam two sometimes three times a week, and I took up Badminton. Now I have snapped my achilles tendon, and I cannot work for two months minimum.

It was only the second time I went.

You may say that I tried to do too much too early, you may say that if she really loved you she wouldnt make you do these things. She didnt make me. I made me... I made a decision.  I have always been overweight, and happy with it too. I have never found a skinny body very attractive, and so never really aspired to be like that. I was also not very talented in sports and so rarely strived to get fit. I have always been happy enough.

The one time I decided that I would lose weight was when I lived with my best friend Steven. I had broken up with my first important love and was very depressed. We lived on the edge of town, and I found that I could run at night when no-one saw me, or heard me more importantly. I decided I would go a certain distance, and if I got tired I would walk a little, but the distance would be covered... twice a week. It took me aound 45 mins at first, but I got it down to 30. I found myself changing diet automatically. I just didnt want the sandwich or the chips, instead I had more energy overall. I went out more and was much more confident and friendly. I enjoyed it, but things change. Work got busier, we moved out of the flat, and I found a new girlfriend. Times change, and I had lost all inclination.

I never felt so inclined to improve my health until now. And just like the smoking, I just did it. When I make a decision to change for the rest of your life, you want it to start straight away, so I started swimming. I knew the weight loss would come eventually, but week after week of not getting anywhere made me want to step things up a gear. So I started playing badminton, a sport I love. The first session nearly killed me, I was stiff from head to toe for 5 days! I was walking around like Frankenstein, but I loved it... I knew it had made a real difference and I also knew that I wouldnot give in, never give in. The second session, my tendon goes.

It felt like something snapped. It popped like bubble wrap, and I was on the floor. I expected more pain, in fact at first I had in my head one of those pictures you see of footballers with broken legs, but after the initial shock... i nearly fainted thinking I had ruined any chance of being with my girl... I was able to get up and hobble to my car. It was after a week that I finally decided I ought to see a doc. Since then its been plaster for two weeks, and now this stupid boot for what may be another 8 weeks.

In the states, my girl has had trouble herself. I wont tell you about it on here as its not my place to mention it, but I can guarantee you, you would consider it very unlucky also. Thank god her health isnt suffering (i am knocking on wood as I say that)

We had planned to marry in May next year. All things had to do was to stay the same.

Now we discuss things with such sadness, as we havent got a clue how to plan anything when you simply dont know where the next disaster is going to come from. She tells me all the time that I should just pack up my stuff and go, but I just cant. And just when you need the person who you love by your side, both of us find ourselves alone.

I dont know what to do for the best. For someone who has always had a plan, Im lost and for the first time scared that we may never get to be with eachother.

As I think about it. About how easy it would be to give up. How everything and everyone is telling me not to be hasty, to reconsider, to take my time. I think about God, and I think about determinism. We often get the two mixed up. If you believe in God, a christian god, then you believe we all have choices. The choice to do good, the choice to follow Jesus, the choice to believe, by the same reasoning we have the choice to turn our backs on God. God gave us his son so the christians say, to show us the way. So we know there is no extra help coming from him.

I am always reminded of the bible story about the prodigal son. In the story a farmer has two sons, the younger of which demands to have his inheritance early. The farmer reluctantly gives it and the son travels into the city where he wastes his money on "riotous living"... my fathers favourite phrase... eventually he returns home to his dad who greets him with open arms.

The story is specifically a parable about returning to the faith, but its also about choices. In it the son has clearly chosen to live his own life and make his own decisions, a theme often reitterated in the bible. He eventually returns home, having chosen that life working for his father as a slave is preferable to living on the streets. As I look around in my life though, I wonder where my choices are, when so much goes wrong, and so many things get in your way to stop you from making the one choice you have decided upon.

I have heard it said so many times that God works in mysterious ways. Its why he takes innocent children in volcanos and earthquakes they say. It why he allows so many to die in Africa through drought and disease, and maybe its why he is stopping me from being with my true love.

Alternatively, we sometimes call this fate, determinism or destiny. It basically says that what will be will be, after all... if this is so hard then surely it cant be right. That just like the water that finds the path of least resistance to maintain the optimum efficiency of energy usage, so we should find the path thats easiest for us. When I fell in love with this wonderful woman I found it to be the easiest thing I had ever done. Doesnt that count for anything? isnt that my fate?

I feel desperate and defeated right now. I feel lost and alone and confused. And the only thing I know is that I am happiest when I am with her. I cannot believe that God conspires against me like an evil jealous zealot. If that is who God is then I dont want to know him, and likewise I cant believe we are destined to be apart like some shakespearian tragedy. We must find a way, have to find a way.

Because tomorrow, I will get up, and I will go downstairs and I will face my day knowing that the only chance, the only reason for me to be there at all is because of her.

And no God, and no Fate is going to stop me. You wanna see determinism. Its right here, facing you down and telling you "I will never give up"

Another Perplexing Problem

Another interesting dilema for you... and another philosophical staple.

Imagine you are 1 of 50 people on a lifeboat, following the sinking of a cruise liner. If you like, picture the titanic. In the sea near you are hundreds of drowning passengers in the freezing water.

The lifeboat will take 60, so you have room for 10 more, but if you return, you do run the risk of the boat being toppled, and everyone dying. What will you do? Return or stay where you are? Do you guarantee your safety or risk all to save a few more lives? Whos life would you save? The old man nearest, or the young mariner deeper in the crowd?

In case you're wondering, the lifeboat argument (and the metaphor from the movie 'Titaniic') is an old one, that relates to Foreign Policy.

To help so many countries in trouble, may mean toppling our boat, but how do we pick one countries troubles over another, especially as there seem to be so many? And they do not seem to help themselves, surely their problems are their own?

And what about protectionist government? Is it right to subsidise our farming communities say, to the detriment of other third world countries struggling to battle drought, civil war, AIDS and countless other real problems killing people today.

Perhaps you believe that we have our own problems in our own country. With the homeless, drug addiction, prostitution, poverty, we should be looking at our own first and foremost? Maybe we should be content that we got lucky in the birthplace lottery and our sympathy for others should go no further than charity.

Perhaps your feelings is that we should stop immigration too. That there are already too many people in the lifeboat?

Anyhow, that this weeks talking point. What do you think?

For my part, I am uncomfortable with the idea of risking a trip into the melee of desperate survivors, but I am equally uncomfortable doing nothing. My thoughts turn to Rwanda and more recently The Congo.

I suspect the truth is that I would accept regrettably that I cannot help them all, but I would get the lifeboat closer, and should someone make the swim towards us, I would do whatever I could to help them onboard.

Philosophical debate

Now for a bit of Philosophising. A question for you all to get the blood flowing a little.

Imagine you are a judge, and a case has been brought to you involving conjoined twins. The 7 year old twins will die in 6 months unless an operation goes ahead now. The operation WILL kill one of the children MARK, and save the other child HENRY who will have a happy normal life.

Trouble is Mark doesnt want to die. And his parents cant bring themselves to kill one child to save the other.

On the other side the doctor would like to take custody of the children to do the operation now whilst it is still possible.

Your job, as the judge, is to decide which side you would choose to give custody to.
Just before you decide...

Bear in mind if you decide to kill one child to save the other, you are saying that one life is more imprtant than the other.....
What happens when your son has lung cancer and is given only 6 months to live, meanwhile someone could do with his kidneys now.
What happens if the parents are devout believers and have a do not resuscitate order on the kids. Do they not have a religious right?

But if you decide not to kill the child to save the other, you are saying all lives are equally important....
What about if it were down to you to decide to shoot Typhoid Mary, bringing a virulent disease to your country and possibly killing thousands?
How would you justify corporal punishment or abortion? Does the mass murderer and the unborn foetus have the same rights?

I have tried to make this choice difficult, by placing good argument on both sides, but im sure you guys will add your own points too

My customers have gone with the doctors about 70/30. One client told me she felt all life prisoners shouls have bone marrow harvested regularly, and that people on death row should have their organs removed to save other lives. Another told me the twin should be treated like a cancerous cyst and should be cut out.

I'm falling on the side of the parents (just). I think there is a sanctity of life, and this is murder. To kill a child that doesnt choose to die seems morally wrong, even if it is to save the life of his brother.

What do you think?

Giving you a heads up

I've struggled writing this one. I just cant get the subject right, so this is my third, fourth, fifth attempt. Wish me luck.

I know that if you have been following my story of woe, you're probably sick to death of hearing about it. For that i'm sorry, I am trying to expand my blogging material out, but it's difficult. Amyhow, that probably explains why this one shoots off in all directions.

It struck me that falling out of love (or getting kicked out of love) is a kind of mourning. I've been trying to remember what the five stages of mourning are again. I wonder which one I am on. And perhaps most importantly, whether I should feel bad about seeming to go through them quite quickly. After all, we broke up a fortnight ago, and I'm getting on okay. Admittedly the events of the last 3-4 days have helped me.

I'm no longer crying my eyes out at the dinner table, or breaking down at work, but I still shed a few tears whilst watching Armaggeddon this afternoon (I mean come on! Its not like 'What Dreams May Come' or 'Notting Hill'!).

I have pretty much dug out all her stuff, although I'm not looking forward to the exchange. She sent me a message yesterday explaining why she finished a second time (sort of), and even though the blood is thicker than water excuse is worse than poor, I didnt feel much about it. It's over, does it really matter why?

(onto rewrite 6)

For all women reading this that dont know there are simple and easy clues to tell if any man loves you. I haven't made this up, but I havent named them all either, so here goes

The easiest one is if he is proud of you. He should be showing you off, not just to his friends and family, but in a club, bar or bowling alley. He should be itching for you to be seen with him, If he isn't then give it up, he doesn't think you're good enough. You'd be amazed the amount of women coming out of the clubs and getting in my car that dont know this!

If he isn't nervous, he isn't interested. He will want you to like him, so he should be scared a little. If he's too cocky, then back away. He wants something else rather than a relationship. Which may be fine, but you're better off knowing beforehand.

If he's not interested in you now, he NEVER will be. I'm not saying you have to do what he does, but if a guy is in love he wants to know everything about you, from why you like the colour green, to when was the last time you voted.

If he doesnt challenge you, he doesn't love you. If he doesnt disagree with you about some things, he just isn't listening. He's probably thinking about something else. At best its how to get in your pants, at worst it's how to get in your best friends.

If he runs hot and cold, there is a problem. Girls seem to like nothing more than a guy who runs hot and cold, but almost always, they are rebounding in some way (rebounding - bouncy bouncy, may be an english term, not sure, so a brief explanation is he's trying to find a replacement for someone else he did/does love)

This last one is important. Men dont mean to rebound. We really do want to be in love with you. We really do mean it when we say we love you, but it's not the 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' love, its the 'you are a really good friend and I dont want to let you down' sort of love. And in the end, we feel guilty, and you feel heart-broken.

The problem with rebounds is that we tick all the boxes with the other obvious signs, we lavish you with attention, and love you passionately, we listen to you intently, and show you off to our mums in a week. But be afraid, be very afraid.

Rebounding is something men do alot. I kind of hope someone tells me women do it too, but I'm guessing not so often. Its part of our healing process. I know that may sound sexist, and it is, but there are reasons.

Firstly, its tradition for a man to as a woman out, we are the aggressors, if you like, so instead of sitting at home and hiding in the dark which we consider weak and unhealthy, we get invited out to bars, this is our way of getting over it.

Secondly, when a relationship ends, the person dumped feels a huge sense of unattractiveness, maybe you werent enough for her, that sort of thing. Men get over this by chatting women up in bars, clubs wherever. After all no-one will come up to us in the office and ask us out.

Thirdly, because we feel like we did something wrong last time, we spend a huge amount of time, making sure we do it right this time. This is the guilt factor again. The attention we lavish on you can be overpowering, and if you dont spot it, you can fall in love heavily. And because we are already feeling guilty, we have a hard time telling you we dont want to be with you really.

Finally, sex is not so emotional for men (as a rule) than for women. We dont see it in the same way, its more instinctive. So the first thing we do when we've split up with someone important is to find a new sexual partner quickly. We dont mean to be cruel or malicious, we just want sex.

I'm still not happy with this blog. I guess I will figure out whats wrong with it in time, but as a guy who is dreading the idea of the next rebound, and desperately promising himself he wont do it, or if he does then it doesnt hurt her too much, I felt it important to tell you what to look out for, Less someone like me turn up at your door at 4 in the morning singing you love songs.