The Big Question, Bouncy or Firm?

I Have News!!!!

Momentous News!!!!

I have had a whole week pass me by without a major disaster!!!!

(I know, its not much, but it makes me happy)

So, to let you all know whats going on...

My father is at home and bored senseless, and we have to sit on him to get him to take it easy. He's a restless soul naturally, but the pacemaker turned him into an energiser bunny. The whole premise of getting him to sit still just wont work. Today, whilst doing some washing, I caught him weeding in the garden. Ok, so before you say it... Yes, he has just had a mini-stroke, and yes, he is brain crazy!

I have nearly bought something I'm looking forward to showing off soon. Its just a matter of time, before it is mine, as it is I actually have the item in Question, but I wont take pics or tell you until its mine for sure.... So stay tuned.

Also, I would like to point out that my flattie is a numpty, an idiot, a plonker, a giant bag of smelly moss and sticky lichen! I was struggling to think of a suitable thing to blog about today. I wanted a basic subject to get my teeth into, and he told me... why dont you blog about your car and your dad!

It appears the only person right round the world that hasn't read the blogs I so lovingly write, is the best friend who sleeps in the room next door!

Anyway, all that aside, and perhaps in honour of this momentous revelation, I have decideed to ask you, myfriends, a question of profound proportions. I am presenting, if you will, a Challenge to stand your ground. No reasons required, just simple answers to a simple question. A question that may have taxed us all at some point....

Bouncy, or Firm?

Now I ask this, not just of women, but also of men.

As well as the rather obvious question about ... erm... womens ... erm... mamillious adornments..... I am wondering if a mans.... erm... appendage, is more attractive when only erm.... half filled up, or when fully... erm... you know.

So, to clarify the question....

In your opinion, is it sexier when it has more bounce than a cheque from IndyMac, or when it's harder than getting a strip-show at the Ayatollah's!

I'm not kidding around... I am genuine... For Men and Women... Do you prefer Bouncy or Firm?

For my own part, I go with bouncy... on both men and women. Bouncy is just plane more fun. You can make your partner a laughing wreck, just by jumping on the bed or running round the room! How simple is that!

And there are few more satisfying pleasures than getting a sneaky peaky as you go slowly over speed bumps.

Life is sweet with Bouncy.

Alcohol

My good friend Angela wrote this 2 years ago... it's a great blog, so here it goes...

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I! ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

The Big Change, "The Lord of the Rings"

Following on from my well recieved observation of Titanic, I would like to suggest a plot change to Lord of The Rings.



Look, I now this is the worlds most popular Book and everyone that has seen the movies likes something about them, but they are just wrong.

The true ending to the book should have gone like this.

Picture the scene, Frodo, lazy git though he is, gets his long standing mate Samwise Gangee (hero to all and hit with the laydees) to carry him to the top of mount doom.



Now I'm not saying he's a useless layabout... but he's a useless layabout. Up pops Dastardly Golem, gone a little freaky by now.



Golem fights lazy arse for a bit, who somehow has tonnes of strength now, and ol' sammy boy kicks a little butt.



Frodo then runs, sprints no less! to the top of the cliff thing and gets ready to throw the ring into the boiling lava,

but at the last minute, he stops, and says he's keeping it.



He slips on the ring just as Golem jumps on his back. Using his scabby razor like teeth Golem chomps away at lazy arse, biting his finger clean off! Shocking!

This is where the change comes in....

And then...

wait for it....

it's a bit of a shocker...



are you ready.....



ok....

and then......



Samwise.... has his big moment. He rugby tackles the irritating imp and ....



are you sure you're ready for this?



They BOTH tumble to their deaths in mount doom





Shocked aren't you....



It's okay, you can say.....



Yes they both die....



Yes, Samwise dies.....



Yes, Samwise....



Okay, stop your whining. Look Samwise is the hero not lazy arse. It's Samwise's noble and dignified death that makes the whole thing work. Lazy arse gets all the credit and hates himself for it, which is why he writes the book, which is why he has to leave little bottom, or smurfland or where ever, and go live with the fairy people.



Lets be honest, the films were good, and all the girlies cried, but with my ending, even the big rugby player blokes would be blubbering faster than an old granny at a wedding.



Naturally, both Tolkien and Jackson were too chicken to run it that way, but what an ending!

Okay I have said my piece... Now I am ready for your no doubt scathing criticisms.

It Might Be My Mood, "Meeting Sarah Marshall"

Firstly thank you for all your comments on giving up smoking. I lasted 17 hrs in total, but thats all changed now.

At midnight yesterday I gave up again and so far 24hrs in I'm still going strong. My wonderful girlfriend is giving up too. She was giving up quite easily on Sunday, but when I told her I had lit up, she started again. Her argument was, we do it together, so we can help each other pull through the hard times.

Anyhow, we decided to go to the cinema because you cant smoke there anyway.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the new film from the crew that made 40 Year Old Virgin, Superbad and the very good Knocked Up, so I was hoping for something special.

What we got, and I'm balancing this on the grounds that I'm a little tetchy at the moment...
was the biggest pile of steaming moist, piteous, sad, ignominious, tragic, uneventful, mindless, facile, hopeless, shamefully pathetic, appauling smelly cow-dung the world has ever seen.

Okay, maybe not that bad but pretty bad nonetheless!

The first scene involves the celebrity actress dumping her dull boyfriend while he's naked. COME ON, Naked guy (butt naked, full on frontal) refusing to put on his clothes until she agrees to go back out with him should be hilarious, all you need is a mouse trap and a roller skate and it's a classic! And yet the entire cinema was quiet!

Despite the fact that I hate Russell Brand, I cant deny that his rock star avoided most of the cliches and even got a laugh, and Mila Kunis as the perfect love interest is charming, even if she is given a terrible sequence with her ex.



The extras are ok, and Dracula; The Musical is entertaining at the end, but generally, unless you are a die-hard fan you would have a better evening setting your toes on fire.

Incidentally, there was one very funny moment. My girl, who is normally so quiet and respectful and tells me off for having my phone on vibrate, got really really stressed out and kicked her bag of popcorn down the aisle.

No doubt some do-gooder would have complained and said something, except she was shouting "Give me a Fucking Smoke Now!" at the time. I didnt and she calmed down, but i now have two of her fingernails permanently embedded in my left hand.

And to think, she's so sweet normally.

Oh and finally I ran a red light on the way home. Not drunk, not on drugs, just giving up smokes. Is this anything like PMT?

My Quiz

Ok, so this is my quiz... No simple answers though... I'm not sure where i will  put my answers

1. What is your best guess as to why your last relationship finish?
(NO, I left him's)

2. What part of your character do you dislike most and how much?

3. What part of your body do you dislike the most and why?

4. When was the last time you expressed a passionate opinion and about what?

5. Why do you like your favourite TV program?

6. What is your best time of day and why?

7. What is your biggest weakness?

8. What does love feel like to you?

9. What is your idea of the perfect date? (relationship Rae!)

10. Why is modern art worthy/not worthy of your attention?

11. What are your opinions on religion and spiritualism?

12. When and how did you last exhibit self belief?

13. What is your biggest regret?

14. What improvements do intend to make in your life?

15. What achievement (kids not included) are you most proud of?

16. When and where was the last time you laughed until you cried?

17. When was the last time you felt inspired, and why?

Blogless (you know its 2007 when...)

I'm not a fan of these things but this one made me laugh, and I am grateful because I cant think of anything today, and I stole this mercilessly from one of my friends.

Thanks

It's good timing too, because myspace just had another hiccough, which would have meant I wouldn't have finished writing til 4 in the morning.

You know it's 2008 when....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.