Music in the Noughties

I dont often talk about music.  I try to avoid it in fact because, well, music reminds me how old I am.

Most of us have recollections of certain moments in our lives when an old song is played to us. It doesnt matter if its the Sex Pistols singing to the Queen, or Whitney Houston saving her love, we all have certain songs that connect with us in a moment of time.

I was a little surprised the other day with a couple of young girls who risked their lives by travelling with me in my cab. They were going "clubbing" in Weymouh and wanted the Radio on. There was little to listen to, but we settled on the thumping sounds of some drum n' bass. Now I call in Drum n' Bass because to me there are two types of Housey music. Drum n' Bass, which sounds like someone going mental on a drum beat machine and can only be understood and appreciated by people with ADD, and Trance which means the same but much much much slower. There are no doubt a hundred different musical types in between, but quite honestly I cant tell the difference between one or the other.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="470" caption="Its not a skill, he is playing a record!"][/caption]

Anyhow, almost jokingly I suggested that Drum n' Bass was only ever listened to in clubs, and people would never subject our ears to such an onslaught willingly if they werent flying faster than the Arian Rocket. Both the girls scoffed at me in the way only young people can do. They told me how they listen to it at home when theyre getting ready, or sometimes just because there is nothing on TV. Yes, they were suggesting that I was past it, that I had no concept of things today, and that I was better off "listening to Radio 4 grandad".

Now the fact that I have over time grown to like Radio 4 reminded me that I may well be genuinely past it, and perhaps had no right to say anything about todays music, but then I thought, I'm turning into a grumpy old man, so why deny myself one of the few pleasures in life that grumpy old men have.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Ahhh the good old days"][/caption]

As I think back to the music around when I was young I start to cringe though. I was born in 71, which means I spent my important teen years in the grip of Stock, Aitkin and Waterman's Rick Astley, Sonya and the entire cast of Neighbours, and from the states Alexander O'Neil and Curtis Steigers. Despite this terrible and frightening age (5 Star!!) I still think of the 80's as a great musical time.

Ok, so I'm going to have a job proving this. Well first let me say that the early 80's post punk era was filled with interesting musical styles all clashing with each other to make something dramatic and varied.

Take for example punk's most obvious legacy. Two Tone came out from the energy and frustration of the late 70's and mixed with the mellow party atmosphere of Bob Marley and other reggae superstars. Bands like The Specials and Madness danced their way into our hearts with poignant lyrics mixed with a sense of fun and style. Their rebellion was exemplified by the political stance these bands tended to take, often doing political concerts to promote their socialist ideals.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="486" caption="Perfect for the 2 Tone loving Chav"][/caption]

New Romantics took a different slant, advancing the ideas of costume and drama from the 70's glam-rock bands like Queen, Bowie and T-Rex, bands like Culture Club and Adam and the Ants would shock us with their heavily made up look and colourful costumes. Scooping the headlines by flaunting their designs and occasionally their sexuality in public, they helped force us to accept a different world of expression.

Electropop developed into the nineties as house and later as drum n bass and twodub and god knows what else, but its start in the early 80's came from a love hate relationship with Disco. Kraftwerk, OMD and New Order brought us a range of simple but interesting tunes with very little lyrical importance. As with Disco, electropop often had one riff as its central theme repeated over and over. As with Disco, it was not afraid to use electrical effects at every opportunity, but it also fought hard against disco, simplifying music to a single synthesiser and a drum beat machines. Even vocals were often monotone so as to keep the minimalism.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="448" caption="New Romantics or Regressed Pirates?"][/caption]

In 1985 Band Aid changed everything. Charity had finally come to the music industry, and whilst the ethics were passionate and valuable, from a musical perspective all these fascinating and different styles blended together in an effort to conform to the mainstream. And with Live Aid the following year, older acts such as Queen merged back into the muscial spectrum. The result was that in just two years, Pop would flood the marketplace once again and Kylie Minogue was number one.

I compare it to todays Drum n Bass/Trance mix. I sit outside nightclubs in my cab listening to songs that all sound the same, or even worse sound like faster Drum n Bass versions of the 80's songs I used to love and I wonder why it is that things have changed so much.

So, I have created for myself a set of rules, my three pillars of musical crapness. Should a piece of music contain one of these three details it may be forgiven but only if it is exceptionally good. If it contains two however, then it should be consigned to the rubbish dump quicker than a sinclair c5.

1. Any music where the artist says "Ooooooooooo, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh", or "yeah...yeah..." or any other such derivative. (that takes care of almost every rap song created)

2. Any song where the artist has replaced the drum sound with a Clap sound. (sorry all noughties pop!)

3. Any song that uses that funny voice thing where the singers vocals are electronically messed around with. (Its just wrong)

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="250" caption="Get the gun, are the dogs ready?"][/caption]

I am very tempted to suggest that anyone who chooses to rap to a song instead of having the ability to sing should have their voice box ripped out of them by a pack of hounds, but then that could be a little harsh.

Clearly I am getting older, clearly i am out of date, clearly I am not seeing what they see, but I just dont know if I'm wrong yet.

It is one of youths perogatives that they dont tell us why they believe they are right and we are wrong. Maybe they simply dont know why they are right, Maybe they simply cant be bothered to think of a reason, Maybe none of us can til were older.

Either way, I am still going to wait around for a few years and ask them. Im hoping they will have an idea. Im hoping they will be able to tell the difference between one artist to another. Im hoping they will have an explanation as to why miss dynamitee-hee was a good idea.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="448" caption="Chavs!!! I hate them"][/caption]

Gigging

This Blog has been a long time coming, but a few of you have been enquiring as to why i have been achy.

Dorchester, my home own is a small place, not much happens. Its predominantly elderly, and has the nightlife of a cemetary, but every now and then something interesting happens... I was hoping to get you some actual pictures of the melee that happened last Monday (bank Holiday), but as ever something goes wrong, and so they will have to stay on my phone for a little while. The concert held in our roman ampitheatre was totally free and attended by some 1000 people all bringing their picnics and dancing shoea.

There were 6 bands in all, but I shall only mention two, first my unbelievably talented friends Nina and Ben who play fiddle as good as any pro in the band Jigsaw, and the astounding Joey the Lips.

I had a girlfriend who used to enjoy going to a village pub once a month to watch the folk jamming sessions there. The band The Sydling Stompers would organise the variety of different acts that would sing a song or two, before passing on the baton. The stompers were basically a family, consisting of Mum Lynnes, Dad John and son and daughter, Ben and Nina, Ben was already a huge talent when i first saw him aged 15, but Nina was th star in the making, aged 9 she would sing like a bird and her fiddling was nearly as good as her older brother already.

Now some 20 years later, both have had their successes, but are thankfully both in the local area playing in Bens band Jigsaw, and they are fantastic. I could wax lyrical about them but I really dont need to, firstly because you will probably never see them, and two cos there are few things more dull than people going on and on about how great their musical friends are.

So I shall move quickly on to Joey the Lips

They play Blues, rhythm and blues and soul, and they are fantastic. I had never heard of them before, but they blew me and all 1000 people away. We danced the entire set of Soul classics, and sang til our hearts were content. My personal highlights were 'Love Shack' and the karaoke version of 'Dont Stop Me Now', I say karaoke version, because they didnt sing it, we did! The entire crowd. They didnt sing a note. A new step in concerts, pick any song the crowd might know, and just play backing, whilst your audience sings as badly and as loudly as they could possibly want.

I had no voice, and I felt like someone had borrowed my legs to practice riverdancing with their irish friends.

I had a fab time.

Nuff said.

A Change of Life Goals, Guitar Hero

So I went down to Weymouth to see my friend Animal today, and I was introduced to Guitar Hero.

For the life of me I have no idea what I have been doing with myself.

Obviously I have heard of the Guitar Hero phenomenon, girls claiming they scored a successful 85 concurrent notes, but I imagined it was a bit like the dance matts and the karaoke singing games. Now I have a soft spot for a little Karaoke singing when suitably imbibed with a laceration of alcohol. At times like that I have a tendancy to sing anyway, so grabbing a microphone in a pop idol styleee is perfectly acceptable, but singing at home to a plastic toy in front of 9 year olds is just not for me, and neither is trying to knock bubbles off the screen by pointing in the air like John Travolta, with an eye toy.

I didnt know!

To be honest, It isnt the first time I have watched a massive trend pass me by. I like to think of myself as so far behind fashion, that I'm retro. I still wear turn-ups, mind you I am short, lol.

This one however I had to try kicking and screaming, but despite an initial reservation of being downright awful at the plastic guitar thing complete with devil stickers and fluorescent straps, I found myself drawn to it like a teenager to a dark cellar in a horror movie.

As the beat hit me, I realised I am in fact Stevie Ray Vaughn's more attractive cuddly long lost brother. My incredibly durable career of taxi driving and the occasional space flight (just dont ask... very traumatic) may have to be forsaken for my budding music god status.

I strutted like Joe Strummer, I pogoed like Johnny Rotten, I went down on my knees and windmilled a la Pete Thownsend and yes I even played the thing with my teeth like Hendrix!

My flattie, nice person that he is, took the footage of me turning into a raving lunatic to the beat of 'schools out' and apparently will be selling it on e-bay next week.

After they pried 'my precious' from my vice like grip and sat me down with a wet towel and a bottle of Valium, I came to realise that this could well be my calling. I'm sorry guys but I have seen God, and her name is ACTIVISION!

If, like me, you have not been on the planet for the last 20 years, and have no idea whats so special about an iphone, or how to read a binary clock, or what you could possibly want a space invader door mat, or WHY ANY SANE PERSON WOULD NEED A GLOWFLOW TAP LIGHT WITH TEMPERATURE SENSOR, then please, take a chance with this ridiculous sounding game. Take a step into the unknown, lower your head and don the strap, hold the plastic phallus in both hands, and get ready when the drums start banging to Lick it like a Les Paul, Goose it like a Gibson, Abuse it like a Universe and F*** it like a Fender.

No rolling, Just Rock!

Moody

They know how I feel
Category: Music

I spend ages trying to write how I feel, and a friend gives me a cd from Nine Inch Nails and they say it all.

"Something I Can Never Have"

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me [chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me [chorus]

I just want something I can never have

"Terrible Lie"

Hey god, why are you doing this to me?
Am I not living up to what Im supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
Hey god, I think you owe me a great big apology

Terrible lie
Terrible lie
Terrible lie
Terrible lie

Hey god, I really dont know what you mean.
Seems like salvation comes only in our dreams.
I feel my hatred grow all the more extreme.
Hey god, can this world really be as sad as it seems

[chorus]

Dont take it away from me.
I need someone to hold on to.
Dont take it away from me.
I need someone to hold on to

Hey god, theres nothing left for me to hide.
I lost my ignorance, security and pride.
Im all alone in a world you must despise.
Hey god, I believed that promises, your promises and lies

[chorus]

You made me throw it all away.
My morals left to decay.
How many you betray.
Youve taken everything

[chorus]

My head is filled with disease.
My skin is begging you please.
Im on my hands and knees
I want so much to believe.

Dont take it away from me.
I need someone to hold on to.
Dont take it away from me.
I need someone to hold on to

I give you everything.
My sweet everything
Hey god, I really dont know who I am.
In this world of piss

Sally Kern... Not Today

Ok, I know it may apear I let young Sally get away with it yesterday, but to be honest I was so blown away i think i need a little time to fully construct my personal reply. In the meantime however I wanted to write something positive instead so here goes...

I have a friend who inspired me to talk about something today, something that im not supposed to talk about, something that i'm not supposed to do, something that to most of us is shameful and disgraceful, something that may make you turn off completely, but in the interest of honesty and integrity, I want to get out there. I just want to take a moment out to talk about my deep founded love for... musicals.

I have always liked musicals, even from an early age i watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang a little too often, and when Mary Poppins came on, I'd get out the popcorn and start a-singing. Believe me when I say that is painful to anyone still able to hear. As I grew older, my love for them was pushed deep as it's not very cool to teenage girls if you break out into a verse of Cabaret. Of course the implication was if you knew who Judy Garland was you were clearly one to be avoided.

As I grew older though, I came to realise that one of the clearest indications of maturity is the amount of things we do despite the ridicule and embarrasement they cause. Even then my secret love could only extend to musicals considered "cool", Rocky Horror Picture Show and Grease were ok, I could see Joseph with some kids, but I wasn't allowed to sing. That sort of thing.

Then about 5 years ago I met someone who introduced me to a whole new world of Musicals, Anything from Miss Saigon to Blood Brothers, she showed me instead of hiding my shame I should sing out loud to the world, YES, I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THE BACKGROUND CLOSE HARMONIES, I LOVE THE DUETS, I LOVE THE OVERACTED INTERPRETATIONS OF HISTORICAL MOMENTS, THE ORCHESTRAS, THE COSTUMES, THE LIGHTS!!!!

Since then I have listened to many of the worlds most famous musical scores (I'd go see them but I cant afford the trip) and enjoyed many an afternoon singing in the car.

I feel a little guilty at this point, because even though the girl in question opened my eyes to much bigger possibilities, I never told her and only recently she told me she wished I had mentioned it when we were going out. If it helps, I dont think it would have made a difference.

Now I know you probably think I should hide myself in a cupboard and wait til WW3 ends, but just for one moment I want you to admit to yourself, that we all like them a little bit. Be it Thelma Kelly from Chicago or Martin Guerre there is something about them that makes us happier in the same way that listening to radiohead makes us all want to top ourselves.

They have style and passion and they tell tales of tumultuous love in the midst of great disaster. They fiddle with our heart strings and finger our souls and all in a theatre of great decadence with giant chandaliers and richly coloured velvet walpaper. We dress up in suits and gowns all walk with straight backs and pretend to be posh if just for one night. We spend half the evening shifting our butts on the uncomfortable chairs trying in vain to get a glimpse of the tiny actor dancing on stage. We stand at the bar in the interval, all the blokes pretending that they've only come for the wife, the women cat fighting eachother for a table, waiting in anticipation for the opportunity to complain at the price of a tonic water, and everybody saying how it's not as good as when they saw it on Broadway 8 years ago.

But at the end of the night, after the music has stopped, after all the people have gone, after we've stop complaining about the hairdo of the person in front or the hallitosis of the man next to you, we hum the best tunes as we walk home in the moonlight holding hands. And even though we will never tell anyone we went, on christmas night, as we reflect on the best moments of the year, that night of clandestine ardor sticks out like the little girl in the red dress in Schindlers List.

So at long last, here is my Question

If you had the chance to be any character in any musical ever written, which one would it be? (yeah it's a bit of a crap question, but it's my blog!)

For me without doubt it would be the hapless and torn Seymour Crelborne in Little Shop of Horrors singing suddenly seymour with ellen green.

My secret is finally out.