The Colour of Life

If your character formed by years of stories make the pattern of your lifes picture, then your quirks, the things original to you make up your colour.

As I look at myfriends, they all have dashes of colour. Particularities that makes sense to them and them alone. Things that a complete stranger can talk to you about.

Alice and Nae have a spiritual connection that scares the bejesus out of me...
Rae writes graffitti on his living room walls.
Amanda has a hand bag fettish
Angela dreams of being a lawyer
Shona gets all weirded out by odd numbers
And my flatmate Krispin likes taking pictures of flowers!

Anyhow I will let you into a little bit of my colour. I do taxi runs for the local sealife centre. Now i'm not talking the people, or experts from overseas (although that does happen very rarely), I'm talking the fish.

Yes, the fish go on holidays.
And I drive them to the airport.

They're pretty good customers, except the prawns change the radio channel all the time, and when I get squid on board the cab smells like a deodorant factory.

I can only presume the sea horses are sent out to seahorse stud farms, have their wicked way with the foreign seahorse by getting them drunk and molesting them in the clubs.

Whatever the reason, I love it. It adds colour into my life. The best time, though, is when I have to pick them up, like I did today.

I am sat in the quaranteened animal reception area. There are 7 people there with me, a couple with a small baby waiting for their small dog, a couple discussing the charges waiting for two cats, and three people waiting for a German Sheppard named Boris.

Now I have never had a pet, well thats not totally true, but I've never been responsible for a pet. And quite honestly I cant imagine anyone liking their pet so much they want to take it on holiday with them, but clearly they have an odd clique, because these 7 strangers were talking to each other like they had been friends for years. I felt much the same way as when I did when I accidentally walked in on a pregnant mums group at the Town Hall.

I didnt have a clue as to what they were talking about.

So I sat there smiling at people, like a grinning fool. The discussion ranged from vets fees to amusing stories, the couple with the baby even mentioned pedigree, whatever that means. And all the time I sat there smiling through it all. That was, until the woman said....
"Whos picking up the Octopus!"

Suddenly, I have been elected Pet Owner of the day, as all the weirdoscrowd round me asking questions.

I know nothing about octopi, but there were more of them than me, and they were circling me like hyenas. So I blagged it... Yes there are 2, yes their names are Gregory and Matilda, yes i keep them in a tank, yes i feed them crab... Thank god they were boxed up or else they'd have been fondled to death!

The truth is, I love the little critters, I know they're not everyones cup of tea, but for me, the octopus is the only possible pet I would consider.

The Big Question, Bouncy or Firm?

I Have News!!!!

Momentous News!!!!

I have had a whole week pass me by without a major disaster!!!!

(I know, its not much, but it makes me happy)

So, to let you all know whats going on...

My father is at home and bored senseless, and we have to sit on him to get him to take it easy. He's a restless soul naturally, but the pacemaker turned him into an energiser bunny. The whole premise of getting him to sit still just wont work. Today, whilst doing some washing, I caught him weeding in the garden. Ok, so before you say it... Yes, he has just had a mini-stroke, and yes, he is brain crazy!

I have nearly bought something I'm looking forward to showing off soon. Its just a matter of time, before it is mine, as it is I actually have the item in Question, but I wont take pics or tell you until its mine for sure.... So stay tuned.

Also, I would like to point out that my flattie is a numpty, an idiot, a plonker, a giant bag of smelly moss and sticky lichen! I was struggling to think of a suitable thing to blog about today. I wanted a basic subject to get my teeth into, and he told me... why dont you blog about your car and your dad!

It appears the only person right round the world that hasn't read the blogs I so lovingly write, is the best friend who sleeps in the room next door!

Anyway, all that aside, and perhaps in honour of this momentous revelation, I have decideed to ask you, myfriends, a question of profound proportions. I am presenting, if you will, a Challenge to stand your ground. No reasons required, just simple answers to a simple question. A question that may have taxed us all at some point....

Bouncy, or Firm?

Now I ask this, not just of women, but also of men.

As well as the rather obvious question about ... erm... womens ... erm... mamillious adornments..... I am wondering if a mans.... erm... appendage, is more attractive when only erm.... half filled up, or when fully... erm... you know.

So, to clarify the question....

In your opinion, is it sexier when it has more bounce than a cheque from IndyMac, or when it's harder than getting a strip-show at the Ayatollah's!

I'm not kidding around... I am genuine... For Men and Women... Do you prefer Bouncy or Firm?

For my own part, I go with bouncy... on both men and women. Bouncy is just plane more fun. You can make your partner a laughing wreck, just by jumping on the bed or running round the room! How simple is that!

And there are few more satisfying pleasures than getting a sneaky peaky as you go slowly over speed bumps.

Life is sweet with Bouncy.

A week to remember

Well, its been another awful week. This year is definitely having its ups and downs... but I am writing this to prove a point... About being positive... partly for you but mostly for me... Anyhow..

Firstly, as you know my cab which is the focus of much amusement has been poorly. I bought the thing for £4000 March last year, and it has served me well, but there was a grinding noise that came from under the bonnet (hood) and so the doctor was called in.

At first i was informed it was the fly wheel, now i havent a clue what a fly wheel is, but im guessing my car needs one, and my friend the mechanic told me you dont replace a fly wheel without replacing a clutch.. he suggested the price would be around £1000. I dont have £1000 lying around, so it took alot of begging to scrape up the money. One of the conditions to the begging though, was to go to the Vauxhall dealer.

They're pretty good over there, so I wasnt too bothered, and when they rang me with the news that both my timing chains had gone and needed to be replaced for the sum of £750, i was relieved. They informed me that i needed a new starter motor as well at the price of £125... both handlable!

The very next day however, they told me that the fly wheel and clutch both needed to be replaced as well! After a serious amount of negotiations and apologies from the garage my final price was £1625. Shit!

So more begging. And they have had my car for 4 days so far. Thats 4 days of not working, not that those days are busy days, but... and when they finally give it back to me, they have done something to my taxi meter. I now have to drive 25 miles tomorrow morning (missing work tonight) to get it fixed!

Next my father who I love desperately, had a fall. He's had a heart attack before and I was very worried about him. The doc says it might be a mini stroke following the insertion of his pacemaker... Mum is pulling her hair out, and i'm not surprised... They fight like cats and dogs most of the time, but when you see them so fragile, thats when the real love comes through. Those tender moments, touching hands and sitting with each other in the dark.

Anyhow, on Monday morning at about 7am, she called me panicing about dad... I went over straight away, even though i had spent the night chatting to a couple of friends online. As we waited for the doc to turn up, I sat through my mum having what could only be described as a mini breakdown, at first she was ranting about how she couldnt handle looking after him, but it ended up with her crying on me because just the thought of him hurting was crushing her.

The doc didnt turn up til 1 and then mum was out the door for some tablets. She looked awful but not as bad as she did on tuesday. 36 hrs of not sleeping can do that, she was also starting to develop a fever. I stayed with them both, and mum got a little sleep.

Wednesday as I was getting the £750 news, mum looked terrible and dad was still dizzy on his feet. They booked the docs again for the next day.... Today.

So I turn up around 1pm... Sorry to Amanda, I left MSN on last night by mistake, when i woke up my head was on the laptop... For the first hour i had keyboard marks on my face, and the second hour was spent trying to dry the whole thing out from the dribble.

Dad had gone to the doctors in the morning, and was told about the possibility of the mini stroke, and how more tests were needed. Mum however was due to go to the hospital for some erm tests... She was carefully instructed by the NHS to drink 2.5 pints of water and not to visit the bathroom for 8 hrs before she turned up. Well, my mum is a little anal about this sort of stuff and drank tea with abandon last night and this morning, she also didn't visit the bathroom for a good 20 hrs when it was time for her to go.

She gave me absolutely loads of instructions which basically consisted of dont let dad do anything, but if he wants to move about and do things then let him.... my mum has her confusing moments... especially when she is tired and rough. She finally dashed out the door... im guessing with something that has wings between her legs...lol

Anyhow dad and i sit and chat for a bit, and 45 mins later mum is back. she throws me the keys and tells me to park the car, then she runs in to see dad sat on the couch watching cookery programmes.

She then tells us, how with all the drinking, and the not going to the loo, and the fact she hates public toilets (has a real phobia of them), she went to the nurse, who told her the appointment wasnt til tomorrow!

My dad and I burst into laughter.

Then she began to laugh.

Ever laughed hard when you want the loo?

My mum ran as fast as she could!!!

My mum has little legs.

We laughed even harder.

So with that in mind, and what a crap week its been, I am pleased that I had a moment to focus on something genuinely funny.

I really hope you all have a good day today, and know that no matter how down things can get, life will always throw something funny from left field to make you smile.

Alcohol

My good friend Angela wrote this 2 years ago... it's a great blog, so here it goes...

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I! ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

The Funniest Thing I Ever Did See

The Funniest Thing I Ever Did See
Category: Life

Now, I apologise if I have told you this before, but I absolutely love this story, and my friend Alice reminded me of it today.

About three years ago, I had just started Cabbie-ing, and I was driving down the high street at midday. The roads were chock-a-block with cars taking people away from the torrential downpour in our little town centre.

I was waiting for the traffic lights to change again, so far in the previous 10 minutes I had moved just one car length, so as my mind started to wander onto other things I noticed an elderly couple standing under an umberella by the bus stop. I say bus stop as there was no shelter, which on this particular day was very unfortunate.

She was a short lady, and clearly in charge, but things had not gone her way this afternoon, as the small umberella she was holding had turned inside out in the gusty wind. She hung onto it regardless taking whatever cover she could from the torrent of water cascading from the angry grey skies.

He was much taller than she was, and looked uncomfortable in his smart clothes, an although he wore a small flat cap and a raincoat, he was still bent over backwards trying to get his head under the low umbrella.

Now its important to tell you that It really was very rainy that day. Very rainy indeed.

And the umbrella was the wrong way round.

Collecting Rain.

Getting Heavy.

Getting very heavy.

And then...... all of a sudden... it wasnt!

The old man leapt in the air as the entire pool of collected rainwater poured down his back.

I am so sorry, but I laughed so hard i nearly crashed the car.

The Meerkats of Minehead

Now I'm not going to tell you which Myspacer I went to Tropiquaria with today, but I am going to tell you she was a big girls blouse.

Tropiquaria is a little hands-on zoo near Minehead, and its great fun.

They pride themselves on letting people get very close to the animals, and giving them a personal experience. As an example you can get very close to the ring tailed lemurs, in fact so close, that one of the babies can escape and look at you from the outside (Dont worry, this is normal. His name is Jasper, and he never goes far from mum), he was leaping by my ears with his little bit of apple held tightly in his tiny claw.

When I turned around, however, to tell my friend about it, she had gone about 30 feet away, running for her life.

Much the same thing happened when we passed the Lizard cage that was open. She was dust. The Lizard, Michael, however was not so scared, and let me stroke him a little before going back to his basking... The keeper told me he loves it. How the hell would she know? Its a Lizard! It just sits there. It sat there before I stroked it, it sat there after I stroked it... its a lizard... how on earth is it suppose to express happiness? Throw a party!

Then another keeper brought a boa constrictor round, but would he let me stroke it! Not a chance... the kids were fine, but me... not a hope in hell. Tell me again why the adult price is more expensive than the kiddie price! What the hell is that about?

Then George came out. He was gorgeous. A tortoise about 4 ft long when he stretches. He loves bright colours and loves peoples bright shoes... And wouldnt you believe it, yes she had bright shoes and poor old Gerald went a running... now we have to be talking a good 1mph, but still it was enough for her to freeze solid. Lol.

Still she did overcome her fear, and give George a little stroke..... eventually. Tortoises have cool feet... I like em. They have tropical birds pooing overhead, just flying about. George's keeper told me one of them ate one of the tropial fish that swim in the canal around the inside of the building. It can only happen near the waterfall area, but what do you expect!

All in all, the place is fantastic, albeit quite small. If you get the chance to support this little zoo, do it. Its surprisingly good fun, and is very real.

As for my friend... well, maybe next time we have a day out, we should find a nice beach with a tea room nearby.

The Peculiar Episode of the Male Member

Did you know, there is only one muscle on the male body that is joined on one side only. I'll tell you which one a little later, but first I wanted to remind you of my first ever blog, which was all about my disgust at people urinating in the streets. Have they never been taught to go before they leave... I mean come on... how old are they!!

Anyhow, I was picking up a young lad from Wareham station on Friday. I should have guessed things would be a little different, as although it was only 4 in the afternoon, he asked me to pick him at the pub. He had turned up early and obviously found his place with a pint and a game of pool.

Our journey was lively as his happy mood was contageous, and we blasted Guns and Roses loudly as we could scaring crows and rabbits asunder. All of a sudden with a pained ailing expression, he turns the music off and croaks "Stop the Car!"

Now as a cabbie, when someone says "Stop the Car", you stop the car! Very very quickly, else you get a car full of his breakfast. I stopped the car.

He got out... Quickly.

He ran to a bush, and to my utter shock, unzipped his fly and began to pee.

For a second things went into slow-mo, the birds twittered, the wind breezed, the trees waved. And then I spotted the Farmer... and then I spotted the shot gun... and then I spotted the young lad running!

Thank god my engine turned on first time. Thank god I found a gear change quickly. Thank god I was wearing good pants!

Just for a tiny second I imagined leaving him there to face his maker, but whilst I hate peeing in the streets, I'm not sure its a shooting offense.

Once again, one of my 9 lives has been wasted on trivial things. I can just see St Peter at the gates of Heaven saying... You have got to be kidding... you were supposed to last til 90!

Anyhow. I am now starting a campaign to stop people Urinating in Public... What do we want... a piss..... where do we want it.... in a toilet!

I hope you will all support me on this and maybe give me a donation to go towards my world wide investigation into the subject.

Oh and by the way, the answer to my question at the begining was his tongue... you filthy people!