The Colour of Life

If your character formed by years of stories make the pattern of your lifes picture, then your quirks, the things original to you make up your colour.

As I look at myfriends, they all have dashes of colour. Particularities that makes sense to them and them alone. Things that a complete stranger can talk to you about.

Alice and Nae have a spiritual connection that scares the bejesus out of me...
Rae writes graffitti on his living room walls.
Amanda has a hand bag fettish
Angela dreams of being a lawyer
Shona gets all weirded out by odd numbers
And my flatmate Krispin likes taking pictures of flowers!

Anyhow I will let you into a little bit of my colour. I do taxi runs for the local sealife centre. Now i'm not talking the people, or experts from overseas (although that does happen very rarely), I'm talking the fish.

Yes, the fish go on holidays.
And I drive them to the airport.

They're pretty good customers, except the prawns change the radio channel all the time, and when I get squid on board the cab smells like a deodorant factory.

I can only presume the sea horses are sent out to seahorse stud farms, have their wicked way with the foreign seahorse by getting them drunk and molesting them in the clubs.

Whatever the reason, I love it. It adds colour into my life. The best time, though, is when I have to pick them up, like I did today.

I am sat in the quaranteened animal reception area. There are 7 people there with me, a couple with a small baby waiting for their small dog, a couple discussing the charges waiting for two cats, and three people waiting for a German Sheppard named Boris.

Now I have never had a pet, well thats not totally true, but I've never been responsible for a pet. And quite honestly I cant imagine anyone liking their pet so much they want to take it on holiday with them, but clearly they have an odd clique, because these 7 strangers were talking to each other like they had been friends for years. I felt much the same way as when I did when I accidentally walked in on a pregnant mums group at the Town Hall.

I didnt have a clue as to what they were talking about.

So I sat there smiling at people, like a grinning fool. The discussion ranged from vets fees to amusing stories, the couple with the baby even mentioned pedigree, whatever that means. And all the time I sat there smiling through it all. That was, until the woman said....
"Whos picking up the Octopus!"

Suddenly, I have been elected Pet Owner of the day, as all the weirdoscrowd round me asking questions.

I know nothing about octopi, but there were more of them than me, and they were circling me like hyenas. So I blagged it... Yes there are 2, yes their names are Gregory and Matilda, yes i keep them in a tank, yes i feed them crab... Thank god they were boxed up or else they'd have been fondled to death!

The truth is, I love the little critters, I know they're not everyones cup of tea, but for me, the octopus is the only possible pet I would consider.

A week to remember

Well, its been another awful week. This year is definitely having its ups and downs... but I am writing this to prove a point... About being positive... partly for you but mostly for me... Anyhow..

Firstly, as you know my cab which is the focus of much amusement has been poorly. I bought the thing for £4000 March last year, and it has served me well, but there was a grinding noise that came from under the bonnet (hood) and so the doctor was called in.

At first i was informed it was the fly wheel, now i havent a clue what a fly wheel is, but im guessing my car needs one, and my friend the mechanic told me you dont replace a fly wheel without replacing a clutch.. he suggested the price would be around £1000. I dont have £1000 lying around, so it took alot of begging to scrape up the money. One of the conditions to the begging though, was to go to the Vauxhall dealer.

They're pretty good over there, so I wasnt too bothered, and when they rang me with the news that both my timing chains had gone and needed to be replaced for the sum of £750, i was relieved. They informed me that i needed a new starter motor as well at the price of £125... both handlable!

The very next day however, they told me that the fly wheel and clutch both needed to be replaced as well! After a serious amount of negotiations and apologies from the garage my final price was £1625. Shit!

So more begging. And they have had my car for 4 days so far. Thats 4 days of not working, not that those days are busy days, but... and when they finally give it back to me, they have done something to my taxi meter. I now have to drive 25 miles tomorrow morning (missing work tonight) to get it fixed!

Next my father who I love desperately, had a fall. He's had a heart attack before and I was very worried about him. The doc says it might be a mini stroke following the insertion of his pacemaker... Mum is pulling her hair out, and i'm not surprised... They fight like cats and dogs most of the time, but when you see them so fragile, thats when the real love comes through. Those tender moments, touching hands and sitting with each other in the dark.

Anyhow, on Monday morning at about 7am, she called me panicing about dad... I went over straight away, even though i had spent the night chatting to a couple of friends online. As we waited for the doc to turn up, I sat through my mum having what could only be described as a mini breakdown, at first she was ranting about how she couldnt handle looking after him, but it ended up with her crying on me because just the thought of him hurting was crushing her.

The doc didnt turn up til 1 and then mum was out the door for some tablets. She looked awful but not as bad as she did on tuesday. 36 hrs of not sleeping can do that, she was also starting to develop a fever. I stayed with them both, and mum got a little sleep.

Wednesday as I was getting the £750 news, mum looked terrible and dad was still dizzy on his feet. They booked the docs again for the next day.... Today.

So I turn up around 1pm... Sorry to Amanda, I left MSN on last night by mistake, when i woke up my head was on the laptop... For the first hour i had keyboard marks on my face, and the second hour was spent trying to dry the whole thing out from the dribble.

Dad had gone to the doctors in the morning, and was told about the possibility of the mini stroke, and how more tests were needed. Mum however was due to go to the hospital for some erm tests... She was carefully instructed by the NHS to drink 2.5 pints of water and not to visit the bathroom for 8 hrs before she turned up. Well, my mum is a little anal about this sort of stuff and drank tea with abandon last night and this morning, she also didn't visit the bathroom for a good 20 hrs when it was time for her to go.

She gave me absolutely loads of instructions which basically consisted of dont let dad do anything, but if he wants to move about and do things then let him.... my mum has her confusing moments... especially when she is tired and rough. She finally dashed out the door... im guessing with something that has wings between her legs...lol

Anyhow dad and i sit and chat for a bit, and 45 mins later mum is back. she throws me the keys and tells me to park the car, then she runs in to see dad sat on the couch watching cookery programmes.

She then tells us, how with all the drinking, and the not going to the loo, and the fact she hates public toilets (has a real phobia of them), she went to the nurse, who told her the appointment wasnt til tomorrow!

My dad and I burst into laughter.

Then she began to laugh.

Ever laughed hard when you want the loo?

My mum ran as fast as she could!!!

My mum has little legs.

We laughed even harder.

So with that in mind, and what a crap week its been, I am pleased that I had a moment to focus on something genuinely funny.

I really hope you all have a good day today, and know that no matter how down things can get, life will always throw something funny from left field to make you smile.

The Peculiar Episode of the Male Member

Did you know, there is only one muscle on the male body that is joined on one side only. I'll tell you which one a little later, but first I wanted to remind you of my first ever blog, which was all about my disgust at people urinating in the streets. Have they never been taught to go before they leave... I mean come on... how old are they!!

Anyhow, I was picking up a young lad from Wareham station on Friday. I should have guessed things would be a little different, as although it was only 4 in the afternoon, he asked me to pick him at the pub. He had turned up early and obviously found his place with a pint and a game of pool.

Our journey was lively as his happy mood was contageous, and we blasted Guns and Roses loudly as we could scaring crows and rabbits asunder. All of a sudden with a pained ailing expression, he turns the music off and croaks "Stop the Car!"

Now as a cabbie, when someone says "Stop the Car", you stop the car! Very very quickly, else you get a car full of his breakfast. I stopped the car.

He got out... Quickly.

He ran to a bush, and to my utter shock, unzipped his fly and began to pee.

For a second things went into slow-mo, the birds twittered, the wind breezed, the trees waved. And then I spotted the Farmer... and then I spotted the shot gun... and then I spotted the young lad running!

Thank god my engine turned on first time. Thank god I found a gear change quickly. Thank god I was wearing good pants!

Just for a tiny second I imagined leaving him there to face his maker, but whilst I hate peeing in the streets, I'm not sure its a shooting offense.

Once again, one of my 9 lives has been wasted on trivial things. I can just see St Peter at the gates of Heaven saying... You have got to be kidding... you were supposed to last til 90!

Anyhow. I am now starting a campaign to stop people Urinating in Public... What do we want... a piss..... where do we want it.... in a toilet!

I hope you will all support me on this and maybe give me a donation to go towards my world wide investigation into the subject.

Oh and by the way, the answer to my question at the begining was his tongue... you filthy people!

My Day (one at a time)

Today was better than I imagined it would be.

I had an all day job to London, and we got lost on the way home. My passenger, a young lad from a private school was a really good laugh and totally cool about it. For some reason I couldnt get past Farnborough, Reading and Guildford... I'm calling it the guildford triangle, as there is nothing there, but you cant get out.

My phone has been ringing all evening. Calls about jobs, calls about gossip, calls about junk. It's been nice to have other things to focus on. As so many of you have said to me, it just takes time. Thanks by the way for being so patient, you guys have been a godsend.

Yesterday was my fathers birthday, he is now 74, bless him. He had a pace maker put in last week, and mum was really worried until my friend Lynne told us pacemakers are as good as the energiser bunny. He'll go on for years now apparently. But when we went for the pre-op and they told us all about it, mum had to ask how sensitive they are. You aren't supposed to bang them see, but when dad snores, mum hits him til he stops! The doc said to hit him on the leg next time. lol.

It was strange not having her next to me as we played quiz board games, but she never liked them much anyway.

Thats me done for the day. The grief has kicked in for sure now, but I wont give in to it. We all make choices about how we feel. I so im gonna feel ok from now on. And one day soon, I wont have to try.

I was touched today

Now, I’m not saying im losing heart in my desperate search to find interesting people who will talk to me, but when you dont have a face like George Clooney, people rarely browse you.

You can stop that right away, i’m not the bloody elephant man!

So everyday this week I have endeavoured to browse possible new friends on myspace. Its been hard as most people dont respond to unsolicited messages (and the blokes think i’m gay).

Its made me feel a little like a peeping tom (which has its up side mind you). Not once but twice i came across blogs that spoke of breaking up with their long time partners. Today must be a bad day for it.

The first stunned me, as the blogger was brutally honest and blunt about her situation. She got many many replies in a matter of hours. I had to comment on her excellent friends, but secretly I was jealous that she had been noticed by so many and that such decent positive words and thoughts were sent to her. Meanwhile i write half a book each night and only my mum reads it. Hello mum.

A little later, however, I found another blogger. This one was far more verbose and far more self-critical. She was trying to understand what she had done wrong, and the blog was her cry for help. At the time I felt I was the only person reading, as no comments had been posted. I hope thats not the case, as there was alot of pain there.

As I replied, I was reminded that the world can be very lonely, and sites like these more so. And sometimes we just dont know how to catch the attentions of others, when what we need is a gentle word.

I dont mean to sound like the reverend Eggy Plant or anything, but it made me feel good to think the blogger got a reply, even if it was fatuous rubbish from me.

Im not suggesting we all be nice to each other, it wouldnt work, and if it did it would be boring. Monopoly would last for weeks!

I’m certainly not suggesting we should all go out and find a new friend. Maybe pick-up a homeless guy, and keep him in the kennel outside.

I guess im just saying its nice to feel you have helped in some small way. And to wonder at how entwined all our lives can be.

Maybe when you see your friends sad, you should be sad with them. That they pass a little sadness to you, and their burden becomes less heavy.

I’d like to think so. so I’m volunteering. I’m pretty happy at the mo, so i can handle a little sadness thrown my way. You know what to do.

’til tomorrow