When I was younger, my father worked as a port controller in Jedda. He stayed there some 9 months of the year some times and we didnt get to see him alot. My mother would occasionally go to visit him out there and I would be carted off to the next door neighbours for a week.
This one particular year around christmas, both my mother and father came home with big smiles and I had hoped lots of presents. Both my brother and I were given a variety of different exotic gifts and it was great. Christmas day however held one big surprise for us both. My mother had bought a centrepiece for the dinner table.
The table was filled with turkey and pigs in blankes and yorkshire puds and peas and sprouts and crackers and everything else you would expect to see, but this year instead of the normal christmas candles was a red sparkly box that we were not allowed to touch.
As my brother and I got more and more excited we sat at the table waiting for our parents and wondering what could be in it, perhaps a big bowl of sweets, or a chocolate fountain. We joked about taking a peek, but didnt want a surprise.
Eventually it was time to open the box, my mother opened the flip top lid, and from its hair she produced a life size plastic head of Santa Claus.
Now I know that the arabs arent very christmasy and so therefore may look down on our ridiculous traditionalists, but dismembering the dude in the red suit seemed a little perverse. I know he's not everyone's cup of tea, but come on now. There was however worse to come.
Withing seconds of our stunned silence, my mother had plugged it in to the mains and a lightbulb lit within his skull like the alien crystal skulls of an indi movie, and the tune of jingle bells resonated like a hundred learner violinists around the room. Santas beard started to mechanically move, his fluffy white beard swishing in the christmas gravy as the words echoed into my brain forever.
The piece de resistance, however came after the second verse when as most musical people know there is room for an instrumental break. In this case the instruental break was joined by Santas head turning 360 degrees like in the exorcist. Some may suggest that this quasi-demonic possesion of santas cabesa is in the spirit of christmas bringing joy and happiness. I however consider it a warning as to the prostitution of christmas, and the spinning of the head is merely to ensure that everyone in that room knew it, eye to eye.
The reason I mention this is because I would like to take a moment to talk about one of my customers. He is a talented musician in a well recognised local band, who has spent this chrismas dressed up as Santa in a local restaurant singing christmas songs and carols. Each day I picked him up I thought about what he refered to prostituting his talent for a few quick bucks. His fine spirits over the unabashed performing monkiness of his christmas gig was clearly because of the ridiculously vast sum of money they paid him to do it. And good on him, we all do what we can to get by.
It is odd though that christmas brings this out in us. That for a few short weeks we become totally obsessed with otherwise meaningless aspects of our society. When do we ever eat so many sprouts and why would we when they taste like they've been in your grans armpits for the last 3 years? What drives us to buy a plastic tree and adorn it for a few weeks, and why do we insist on taking it down before a certain date in case we suffer 'bad luck'? Why do we give cards saying nothing more than 'To Sue... From Peter' when we just spent a good 20 minutes talking to them.
Despite all this, I too have fallen in with the christmas crowd as i always do each year. with cards and presents bought and wrapped. And with a christmas floppy hat worn in my little cab.
Merry christmas everyone
Saturday, 20 December 2008
Friday, 19 December 2008
Christmas Spots
As you all know, Christmas is a time for fun, frolicing, dressing up in silly costumes, giving useless presents to people you dont like and generally being overly nice so we can feel less guilty about ripping them off the rest of the year. Which comes across a little cynical, but believe me I genuinely do love this time of the year.
I love watching the freezing cold carol singers go from door to door, their little red noses sniffing in the cold wind, whilst I stay in my warm house looking through the windows at the as they press my bell.
I love watching the town council electrician every year, in the ice and snow trying to reach across the various trees and buildings, putting up the christmas decorations, and it takes all of my effort to not go steady the ladder than invariable slides on the slippy ice and snow. Well I say all my efforts, obviously what I mean by that is that me and some of the other cabbies tend to don our winter coats, warm gloves and hats, get the hot coffee out and cheer, sing and dance the poor fellow on.
I love the girls going to the clubs in their mini santa outfits, freezing in the cold wind, leaping from leg to leg like they're warming up for the triple jump.
Yes, christmas is a great time, but there are some things I dont enjoy about it. Some things which christmas should not be about at all!
For example... Christmas spots!
Yes every year about this time my skin decides to conspire against me and in the run up to the big day where my family and friends are looking forward to seeing my smiley happy face greet them with warm cheer, I have instead been transformed into one of the witches in Macbeth. My particular low point was having a big red spot one year on the furthest tip of my nose. Oh what fun it was to be called 'Rudolf'' by not only the people who claim to love me, but also by the complete strangers that drunkenly get into my car. Imagine my joy when comfronted by one witty drunken jostler I was told...
"At least with that thing you'll be alright if the lights go out!"
Despite a regular array of chemical face packs, exfoliating creams, rejuvinating oils etc etc, every year it happens and every year i end up hiding in my house come christmas wishing everyone would forget about me this year.
My understanding is that it is not just me who suffers from this affliction. Other normally clear faced people will find themselves looking like a half baked pizza at Christmas times, as well as birthdays, on holiday and my particular favourite, on their wedding day.
Oddly though, I do not take heart knowing that others suffer in the same way. It should, but it doesnt. I shall have to just put up with my continuous shame and embarrassment and live to fight through another christmas under another balaclava.
I love watching the freezing cold carol singers go from door to door, their little red noses sniffing in the cold wind, whilst I stay in my warm house looking through the windows at the as they press my bell.
I love watching the town council electrician every year, in the ice and snow trying to reach across the various trees and buildings, putting up the christmas decorations, and it takes all of my effort to not go steady the ladder than invariable slides on the slippy ice and snow. Well I say all my efforts, obviously what I mean by that is that me and some of the other cabbies tend to don our winter coats, warm gloves and hats, get the hot coffee out and cheer, sing and dance the poor fellow on.
I love the girls going to the clubs in their mini santa outfits, freezing in the cold wind, leaping from leg to leg like they're warming up for the triple jump.
Yes, christmas is a great time, but there are some things I dont enjoy about it. Some things which christmas should not be about at all!
For example... Christmas spots!
Yes every year about this time my skin decides to conspire against me and in the run up to the big day where my family and friends are looking forward to seeing my smiley happy face greet them with warm cheer, I have instead been transformed into one of the witches in Macbeth. My particular low point was having a big red spot one year on the furthest tip of my nose. Oh what fun it was to be called 'Rudolf'' by not only the people who claim to love me, but also by the complete strangers that drunkenly get into my car. Imagine my joy when comfronted by one witty drunken jostler I was told...
"At least with that thing you'll be alright if the lights go out!"
Despite a regular array of chemical face packs, exfoliating creams, rejuvinating oils etc etc, every year it happens and every year i end up hiding in my house come christmas wishing everyone would forget about me this year.
My understanding is that it is not just me who suffers from this affliction. Other normally clear faced people will find themselves looking like a half baked pizza at Christmas times, as well as birthdays, on holiday and my particular favourite, on their wedding day.
Oddly though, I do not take heart knowing that others suffer in the same way. It should, but it doesnt. I shall have to just put up with my continuous shame and embarrassment and live to fight through another christmas under another balaclava.
Saturday, 15 November 2008
Another Perplexing Problem
Another interesting dilema for you... and another philosophical staple.
Imagine you are 1 of 50 people on a lifeboat, following the sinking of a cruise liner. If you like, picture the titanic. In the sea near you are hundreds of drowning passengers in the freezing water.
The lifeboat will take 60, so you have room for 10 more, but if you return, you do run the risk of the boat being toppled, and everyone dying. What will you do? Return or stay where you are? Do you guarantee your safety or risk all to save a few more lives? Whos life would you save? The old man nearest, or the young mariner deeper in the crowd?
In case you're wondering, the lifeboat argument (and the metaphor from the movie 'Titaniic') is an old one, that relates to Foreign Policy.
To help so many countries in trouble, may mean toppling our boat, but how do we pick one countries troubles over another, especially as there seem to be so many? And they do not seem to help themselves, surely their problems are their own?
And what about protectionist government? Is it right to subsidise our farming communities say, to the detriment of other third world countries struggling to battle drought, civil war, AIDS and countless other real problems killing people today.
Perhaps you believe that we have our own problems in our own country. With the homeless, drug addiction, prostitution, poverty, we should be looking at our own first and foremost? Maybe we should be content that we got lucky in the birthplace lottery and our sympathy for others should go no further than charity.
Perhaps your feelings is that we should stop immigration too. That there are already too many people in the lifeboat?
Anyhow, that this weeks talking point. What do you think?
For my part, I am uncomfortable with the idea of risking a trip into the melee of desperate survivors, but I am equally uncomfortable doing nothing. My thoughts turn to Rwanda and more recently The Congo.
I suspect the truth is that I would accept regrettably that I cannot help them all, but I would get the lifeboat closer, and should someone make the swim towards us, I would do whatever I could to help them onboard.
Imagine you are 1 of 50 people on a lifeboat, following the sinking of a cruise liner. If you like, picture the titanic. In the sea near you are hundreds of drowning passengers in the freezing water.
The lifeboat will take 60, so you have room for 10 more, but if you return, you do run the risk of the boat being toppled, and everyone dying. What will you do? Return or stay where you are? Do you guarantee your safety or risk all to save a few more lives? Whos life would you save? The old man nearest, or the young mariner deeper in the crowd?
In case you're wondering, the lifeboat argument (and the metaphor from the movie 'Titaniic') is an old one, that relates to Foreign Policy.
To help so many countries in trouble, may mean toppling our boat, but how do we pick one countries troubles over another, especially as there seem to be so many? And they do not seem to help themselves, surely their problems are their own?
And what about protectionist government? Is it right to subsidise our farming communities say, to the detriment of other third world countries struggling to battle drought, civil war, AIDS and countless other real problems killing people today.
Perhaps you believe that we have our own problems in our own country. With the homeless, drug addiction, prostitution, poverty, we should be looking at our own first and foremost? Maybe we should be content that we got lucky in the birthplace lottery and our sympathy for others should go no further than charity.
Perhaps your feelings is that we should stop immigration too. That there are already too many people in the lifeboat?
Anyhow, that this weeks talking point. What do you think?
For my part, I am uncomfortable with the idea of risking a trip into the melee of desperate survivors, but I am equally uncomfortable doing nothing. My thoughts turn to Rwanda and more recently The Congo.
I suspect the truth is that I would accept regrettably that I cannot help them all, but I would get the lifeboat closer, and should someone make the swim towards us, I would do whatever I could to help them onboard.
Friday, 7 November 2008
Philosophical debate
Now for a bit of Philosophising. A question for you all to get the blood flowing a little.
Imagine you are a judge, and a case has been brought to you involving conjoined twins. The 7 year old twins will die in 6 months unless an operation goes ahead now. The operation WILL kill one of the children MARK, and save the other child HENRY who will have a happy normal life.
Trouble is Mark doesnt want to die. And his parents cant bring themselves to kill one child to save the other.
On the other side the doctor would like to take custody of the children to do the operation now whilst it is still possible.
Your job, as the judge, is to decide which side you would choose to give custody to.
Just before you decide...
Bear in mind if you decide to kill one child to save the other, you are saying that one life is more imprtant than the other.....
What happens when your son has lung cancer and is given only 6 months to live, meanwhile someone could do with his kidneys now.
What happens if the parents are devout believers and have a do not resuscitate order on the kids. Do they not have a religious right?
But if you decide not to kill the child to save the other, you are saying all lives are equally important....
What about if it were down to you to decide to shoot Typhoid Mary, bringing a virulent disease to your country and possibly killing thousands?
How would you justify corporal punishment or abortion? Does the mass murderer and the unborn foetus have the same rights?
I have tried to make this choice difficult, by placing good argument on both sides, but im sure you guys will add your own points too
My customers have gone with the doctors about 70/30. One client told me she felt all life prisoners shouls have bone marrow harvested regularly, and that people on death row should have their organs removed to save other lives. Another told me the twin should be treated like a cancerous cyst and should be cut out.
I'm falling on the side of the parents (just). I think there is a sanctity of life, and this is murder. To kill a child that doesnt choose to die seems morally wrong, even if it is to save the life of his brother.
What do you think?
Monday, 3 November 2008
My Last Chance
On the eve of the most important election in recent history, and bearing in mind that your vote affects me personally, I am trying my last attempt to persuade you.
I know you're probably sick to death of hearing views on the two candidates by now, but please take 2 minutes and just have a read. If you disagree, then fair enough. At least you did it knowing you heard the arguments.
Firstly, this election isnt about personalities, no matter what you hear. Other elections have been, but this one isnt. This isnt about who fought for their country, or how old the candidate is. This election is about REAL politics. REAL decisions will be made by the next administration, that will affect you personally.
This election has been brought to us all in soundbites. It appears from the news reports that you are either for a change or you arent. If you think the US needs to move to new ground, blaze a trail into a new world you vote Obama, if you still believe in old american family values you vote McCain.
ITS MUCH MUCH MORE. And I'm not just talking about Iraq!
The US is facing its future right now, it has two choices, two roads to travel in, and this is the last chance to decide.
The first choice follows current US Govt thinking. Whether you like it or not, this thinking is hugely unpopular with the rest of the world, including your allies.
It is unpopular because it promotes a harsh form of freidman 'free market' economics on the rest of the world that has been proven not to work in every country its been forced on since the 70's, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Poland, Phillipines and even Russia have all struggled and their belief in the US style monetary systems have crumbled. This isnt so bad except that when they say no to free markets, they also say no to free speech, democracy, pleuralism and freedom of religion. They say yes to old communist values, fervent nationalism, religious dogma and war. Just to clarify, Free market economics means NO GOVT INVOLVEMENT, or NOTHING IN THE WAY OF BIG BUSINESS.
If you own a small business you will know how much the opening of a new giant Wallmart affects your local stores, affects your jobs, affects your sense of community, affects local affluence. Your govt does nothing to protect your way of life. Instead it protects THEIR right, the rights of fat cats and billionaires, to take your money, to pollute your rivers, to take your jobs, to copy your ideas, to steal your land in the hope that money will trickle down to you like 17th century serfs begging at the doors of the French Palace, whilst Marie Antoinette says, "If the bread is mouldy, then let them eat cake."
You have a right to live the american dream too. You deserve a chance as much as the CEO's and major share holders.
It has been proven not to work by the current banking meltdown in which in every major country around the world has had to plough money into its banking system. To save rich people from losing a fortune.
It has proven not to work by the war in Iraq, in which we have stolen their resources to protect our own industries... I'm sorry, I know our reasons to go in were different, but since we've been there, thats all that we have done, to our shame. If you think for one second we were in there for humanitarian reasons, well ask yourself, where is the invasion of the Congo, where thousands of people have been dying every day his week.
It has proven not to work for your own people. Thousands of dispossessed people award a pathetic $6000 for their house and homes, their schools, their jobs, their lives following the tragedy of Katrina. The shame of the richest nation in the world by far, unable to help their own people because of strict unreasonable economic policy. Charity from the middle east of all places given to the US to help the survivors make a new life for themselves, only to have the money spent on a private schools system.
It hasnt worked for the hundreds of thousand american citizens currently crippled by hospital insurance burdens, unable to live the 'American Dream' you idealise so much. Whilst pharmaceutical companies make biliions of dollars worth of profits. The rich getting richer as you struggle and suffer.
It hasnt worked for the environment. Over 90% of scientists, and every single independantly funded scientist around the world is in agreement that the world is heating up. That the water supply is shifting, and that in the next 50 years many thousands of people will have to move again, to find new work where the fresh water supply is better. Big Business has done nothing to research the problem, nothing to counteract the problem. And your government, whos job it is to look at this stuff has decided to do nothing. Has broken every single agreed commitment to stop global warming because it will affect big business.
Elections aren't won, they are lost.
You have 2 choices. Some of you may not like Obama. Some of you may see his idealism, his vision as being too tax heavy, but they are still much less tax heavy than most of the G8 countries, and we all manage.
We have National Health Systems giving cheap or free prescriptions, free doctors, free operations. We hit our environmental targets, becoming world leaders in new markets such as renewable energy. We give money to people through a strong social securities network ensuring NO ONE IS LEFT BEHIND. A line stolen from your very own President Roosevelt. We look after people dispossessed, knowing that everyone needs a hand from time to time.
If you still believe that another 4 years of Republican rule will change this, then you must vote McCain. If you cant bring yourself to vote for a black man, then dont vote at all. Please though, dont vote just because you've always voted that way. Dont vote not knowing the issues.
I know you're probably sick to death of hearing views on the two candidates by now, but please take 2 minutes and just have a read. If you disagree, then fair enough. At least you did it knowing you heard the arguments.
Firstly, this election isnt about personalities, no matter what you hear. Other elections have been, but this one isnt. This isnt about who fought for their country, or how old the candidate is. This election is about REAL politics. REAL decisions will be made by the next administration, that will affect you personally.
This election has been brought to us all in soundbites. It appears from the news reports that you are either for a change or you arent. If you think the US needs to move to new ground, blaze a trail into a new world you vote Obama, if you still believe in old american family values you vote McCain.
ITS MUCH MUCH MORE. And I'm not just talking about Iraq!
The US is facing its future right now, it has two choices, two roads to travel in, and this is the last chance to decide.
The first choice follows current US Govt thinking. Whether you like it or not, this thinking is hugely unpopular with the rest of the world, including your allies.
It is unpopular because it promotes a harsh form of freidman 'free market' economics on the rest of the world that has been proven not to work in every country its been forced on since the 70's, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Poland, Phillipines and even Russia have all struggled and their belief in the US style monetary systems have crumbled. This isnt so bad except that when they say no to free markets, they also say no to free speech, democracy, pleuralism and freedom of religion. They say yes to old communist values, fervent nationalism, religious dogma and war. Just to clarify, Free market economics means NO GOVT INVOLVEMENT, or NOTHING IN THE WAY OF BIG BUSINESS.
If you own a small business you will know how much the opening of a new giant Wallmart affects your local stores, affects your jobs, affects your sense of community, affects local affluence. Your govt does nothing to protect your way of life. Instead it protects THEIR right, the rights of fat cats and billionaires, to take your money, to pollute your rivers, to take your jobs, to copy your ideas, to steal your land in the hope that money will trickle down to you like 17th century serfs begging at the doors of the French Palace, whilst Marie Antoinette says, "If the bread is mouldy, then let them eat cake."
You have a right to live the american dream too. You deserve a chance as much as the CEO's and major share holders.
It has been proven not to work by the current banking meltdown in which in every major country around the world has had to plough money into its banking system. To save rich people from losing a fortune.
It has proven not to work by the war in Iraq, in which we have stolen their resources to protect our own industries... I'm sorry, I know our reasons to go in were different, but since we've been there, thats all that we have done, to our shame. If you think for one second we were in there for humanitarian reasons, well ask yourself, where is the invasion of the Congo, where thousands of people have been dying every day his week.
It has proven not to work for your own people. Thousands of dispossessed people award a pathetic $6000 for their house and homes, their schools, their jobs, their lives following the tragedy of Katrina. The shame of the richest nation in the world by far, unable to help their own people because of strict unreasonable economic policy. Charity from the middle east of all places given to the US to help the survivors make a new life for themselves, only to have the money spent on a private schools system.
It hasnt worked for the hundreds of thousand american citizens currently crippled by hospital insurance burdens, unable to live the 'American Dream' you idealise so much. Whilst pharmaceutical companies make biliions of dollars worth of profits. The rich getting richer as you struggle and suffer.
It hasnt worked for the environment. Over 90% of scientists, and every single independantly funded scientist around the world is in agreement that the world is heating up. That the water supply is shifting, and that in the next 50 years many thousands of people will have to move again, to find new work where the fresh water supply is better. Big Business has done nothing to research the problem, nothing to counteract the problem. And your government, whos job it is to look at this stuff has decided to do nothing. Has broken every single agreed commitment to stop global warming because it will affect big business.
Elections aren't won, they are lost.
You have 2 choices. Some of you may not like Obama. Some of you may see his idealism, his vision as being too tax heavy, but they are still much less tax heavy than most of the G8 countries, and we all manage.
We have National Health Systems giving cheap or free prescriptions, free doctors, free operations. We hit our environmental targets, becoming world leaders in new markets such as renewable energy. We give money to people through a strong social securities network ensuring NO ONE IS LEFT BEHIND. A line stolen from your very own President Roosevelt. We look after people dispossessed, knowing that everyone needs a hand from time to time.
If you still believe that another 4 years of Republican rule will change this, then you must vote McCain. If you cant bring yourself to vote for a black man, then dont vote at all. Please though, dont vote just because you've always voted that way. Dont vote not knowing the issues.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Obama's Birth Certificate
OKAY
I just want to make this crystal clear. I have a friend, who I wont name on here, who sent me this bulitin....
On another board I frequent, someone brought up the rumours about Obama and his birth certificate. Please have a look at these links and decide for yourself.
:)
Fact Check
PolitiFact
Snopes
Fight the Smears
I just want to add some common sence into this.
If Obama was officially an indonesian or kenyan or even british, do you not think you'd be hearing about it from McCains mouth. If I were McCain, i'd be screaming it from the rooftops, if I were Hilary I'd be screaming it from the rooftops.
If however I was a republican, and didnt want to get accused of spreading unbelievable rumours that just muddy the politics and smear the campaigners, I would start an online rumour, which cant be traced, and can be copied over and over again with no question of anyone getting sued.
Guerilla campaigning in the most important US election in the last 50 years.
Ask yourself this one question, did you hear it on FOX, and if not, why not. Because FOX would blow up a democratic secret like this into a thousand TV specials.
The fact is that whilst the news from FOX and the Washington Post etc might be biased, its not totally uninformed, they are subject to law suits and therefore must have some proof behind them.
With that in mind, when you next say oh yeah Palin, she didnt do anything really... actually according to FOX and he Post, she did. Its real news, biased angle perhaps, biased conclusions definitely, but based on fact. FACT.
Everyone and his grandma has heard a conspriacy theory or two, but when you hear one person stand up in public and say 'I Believe This Happened', then start listening, and start thinking. When we talk about the Kennedy assassination, we talk about Jim Garrisson being a man who stood up in a court of law and said this is what i think, and sue me if you want! McCain, Palin and no-one from congress has EVER suggested Obama is not entitled to run for the presidency based on his nationality
A bad rumour shouldnt kill a political career, but a rumour where NO-ONE stands up and says I believe so sue me, is truly dirty and not worthy of a great nation.
Either way, however you want your politics, argue the politics for gods sake. Argue that small govt is better than big. Argue imperialism is better than civil militia. Argue abortion/anti abortion. Argue NHS against Private healthcare. Argue real issues, real politics.
This is the most important US election in 50 years, you have the worlds most powerful nation, and your decisions effect the entire world. Dont argue silly things like legal or not legal, blue or red, leave this to the technicians. The independant bodies set up to make sure the elections are fair. These are silly arguments for petty minds, dont get caught up in the trivial ramblings of blinkered fools, who want to turn this into an Us and Them election.
Think for yourselves, come to a considered decision.
If you truly believe McCains hard line will better protect the US in this delicate world, then vote McCain. If you think that Obama will pull the US out of the financial mess the world is currently in, then vote Obama.
But Please dont vote McCain or Obama cos you have always voted that way. Vote because of real issues. Please, you owe it to the rest of the world, you owe it to your country, you owe it to your forefathers, because which ever way you vote... This time, it is truly historic.
And your vote will never be more important.
I just want to make this crystal clear. I have a friend, who I wont name on here, who sent me this bulitin....
On another board I frequent, someone brought up the rumours about Obama and his birth certificate. Please have a look at these links and decide for yourself.
:)
Fact Check
PolitiFact
Snopes
Fight the Smears
I just want to add some common sence into this.
If Obama was officially an indonesian or kenyan or even british, do you not think you'd be hearing about it from McCains mouth. If I were McCain, i'd be screaming it from the rooftops, if I were Hilary I'd be screaming it from the rooftops.
If however I was a republican, and didnt want to get accused of spreading unbelievable rumours that just muddy the politics and smear the campaigners, I would start an online rumour, which cant be traced, and can be copied over and over again with no question of anyone getting sued.
Guerilla campaigning in the most important US election in the last 50 years.
Ask yourself this one question, did you hear it on FOX, and if not, why not. Because FOX would blow up a democratic secret like this into a thousand TV specials.
The fact is that whilst the news from FOX and the Washington Post etc might be biased, its not totally uninformed, they are subject to law suits and therefore must have some proof behind them.
With that in mind, when you next say oh yeah Palin, she didnt do anything really... actually according to FOX and he Post, she did. Its real news, biased angle perhaps, biased conclusions definitely, but based on fact. FACT.
Everyone and his grandma has heard a conspriacy theory or two, but when you hear one person stand up in public and say 'I Believe This Happened', then start listening, and start thinking. When we talk about the Kennedy assassination, we talk about Jim Garrisson being a man who stood up in a court of law and said this is what i think, and sue me if you want! McCain, Palin and no-one from congress has EVER suggested Obama is not entitled to run for the presidency based on his nationality
A bad rumour shouldnt kill a political career, but a rumour where NO-ONE stands up and says I believe so sue me, is truly dirty and not worthy of a great nation.
Either way, however you want your politics, argue the politics for gods sake. Argue that small govt is better than big. Argue imperialism is better than civil militia. Argue abortion/anti abortion. Argue NHS against Private healthcare. Argue real issues, real politics.
This is the most important US election in 50 years, you have the worlds most powerful nation, and your decisions effect the entire world. Dont argue silly things like legal or not legal, blue or red, leave this to the technicians. The independant bodies set up to make sure the elections are fair. These are silly arguments for petty minds, dont get caught up in the trivial ramblings of blinkered fools, who want to turn this into an Us and Them election.
Think for yourselves, come to a considered decision.
If you truly believe McCains hard line will better protect the US in this delicate world, then vote McCain. If you think that Obama will pull the US out of the financial mess the world is currently in, then vote Obama.
But Please dont vote McCain or Obama cos you have always voted that way. Vote because of real issues. Please, you owe it to the rest of the world, you owe it to your country, you owe it to your forefathers, because which ever way you vote... This time, it is truly historic.
And your vote will never be more important.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
The Flying Spaghetti Monster
Now this blog is probably going to do me no favours, but the my-space thing is all about me so, gotta stick my hand in my mouth and go for it.
I have been reading about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
And whilst i don't believe in the FSM, i cant deny the religious rights the FSM followers are asking for.
In case you don't know about the FSM, according to his followers, He (and I'm only saying he because i don't know what gender he is) created the universe after a night out on the booze which explains why it has so many things wrong with it.
They believe Pirates were the original pastafarians, and have made reference to the rise in global warming being directly related to the fall in pirates.
They claim all 'evidence' for evolution has been planted by the FSM, in an effort to test his followers faith.
According to the faith, there are the '8 I'd really rather you didn'ts', a set of moral guidelines given to Mosey the pirate captain on Mount Salsa
Flying Spaghetti Monster
Whilst I cannot say how devout the 'believers' of this faith are or how rediculous their 'beliefs' are, the message they pervey is one of blind faith. Can we believe in faith blindly? And what evidence is appropriate to refute.
Bertrand Russell, the British philosopher argued...
"If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes.
But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense.
If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time."
The argument is simple, Russell argues if God exists, then it is down to the believer to prove it, not the non believer.
British Theologian Alister McGraph wrote in his book The Dawkin's Delusion...
"Why is such a book still necessary?", describing the atheist writings of Richard Dawkins. "... for more than a century, leading sociologists, anthropologists and psychologists have declared that their children would see the dawn of a new era in which the 'God delusion' would be left behind for good.".
The argument of why do we need a book telling us there is no god. If there is no god, then it'll be obvious as time goes on. He goes on to say that Science has neither proved or disproved God.
In my opinion he is completely right, but in my opinion, Richard Dawkins argument about No God being more probable than God (and specifically a monotheistic god such as in Christianity or Islam). He argues that all science deals with probabilities, and the more probable something is the more we can rely upon it to be true.
We have no 'conclusive' explanation for gravity, we have strong theories, but on a micro-level gravity appears not to exist at all. It is because of this and other anomalies we cannot claim we fully understand gravity. I don't know about you though, but just cos we don't understand it, doesn't mean to say I'm not going to get out of the way when i throw a rock in the air.
Maybe its because I have faith that gravity is there.
Mcgraph's premise that because people spend so much effort trying to disprove god means it may be true, is interesting. I can only point out the huge amount of hate mail collected by the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster predominantly by the christian far right must mean there is truth in there somewhere. It also suggests that the huge protests over the cartoons in Denmark about Allah, must also have some truth behind it.
One letter in particular caught my eye...
I'm a bit confused about this website, and maybe someone would kindly enlighten me… Why take so much trouble to try and dismantle fundamental Christianity if you all sincerely disbelieve it?
I wonder why this whole movement feels like they're so threatened by Jesus if he's not real.
There were many retorts, but this one seemed the smartest.
Do you believe in radical Islam - the Wahabi sect that teaches hatred to nonbelievers and spawns terrorism? No? Then why would you want to dismantle it?
Oh! Maybe because you think it's HARMFUL. Like replacing science with bullshit. This site doesn't try to dismantle Christianity; just the fanatics who want ID taught in schools. We don't need a second Dark Ages, thank you.
It is clear that the site and the religion is mostly followed by people unhappy with the confidence shown by believers of all faiths. Its clear that allowing religion to enter the arena of politics, education and law making, is detrimental to a pluralistic society.
In a free democratic society, certain lines should no be crossed. I don't care what religion the president is so long as he doesn't act according to his or her religion. I believe in religious freedom and rights, provided those rights are not considered more important than the rights of the general population and society.
I appreciate that certain zealots will argue against evolution, claiming Bush's intelligent design as an alternative theory that should be presented in schools as fact in the same way evolution is, but the evidence presented for creationism is circumstantial and unfortunately also fits in with our friends of the church of the flying spaghetti monster. Which is the whole point of course.
At some point we have to say, this is proof and this is not proof. Our whole society relies on us having a provable standard. To Richard Dawkins, proof is defined as maximum probability. Alister McGraphs argument is that maximum probability is too stringent.
My feeling is that we should teach to that provable standard and above. The issues about creationism and the flying spaghetti monster being taught in conjunction with evolution, is as simple as evidential probability. There is far more circumstantial evidence for evolution, than there is for intelligent design. Evolution passes the evidence standard, whereas the planet being 6000 years old, and Adam and Eve being the first two people on the planet, does not.
In the meantime, the parody of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a welcome diversion that argues a point in a very very silly way. And I'm buying a pirate fish mug!
I have been reading about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
And whilst i don't believe in the FSM, i cant deny the religious rights the FSM followers are asking for.
In case you don't know about the FSM, according to his followers, He (and I'm only saying he because i don't know what gender he is) created the universe after a night out on the booze which explains why it has so many things wrong with it.
They believe Pirates were the original pastafarians, and have made reference to the rise in global warming being directly related to the fall in pirates.
They claim all 'evidence' for evolution has been planted by the FSM, in an effort to test his followers faith.
According to the faith, there are the '8 I'd really rather you didn'ts', a set of moral guidelines given to Mosey the pirate captain on Mount Salsa
Flying Spaghetti Monster
Whilst I cannot say how devout the 'believers' of this faith are or how rediculous their 'beliefs' are, the message they pervey is one of blind faith. Can we believe in faith blindly? And what evidence is appropriate to refute.
Bertrand Russell, the British philosopher argued...
"If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes.
But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense.
If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time."
The argument is simple, Russell argues if God exists, then it is down to the believer to prove it, not the non believer.
British Theologian Alister McGraph wrote in his book The Dawkin's Delusion...
"Why is such a book still necessary?", describing the atheist writings of Richard Dawkins. "... for more than a century, leading sociologists, anthropologists and psychologists have declared that their children would see the dawn of a new era in which the 'God delusion' would be left behind for good.".
The argument of why do we need a book telling us there is no god. If there is no god, then it'll be obvious as time goes on. He goes on to say that Science has neither proved or disproved God.
In my opinion he is completely right, but in my opinion, Richard Dawkins argument about No God being more probable than God (and specifically a monotheistic god such as in Christianity or Islam). He argues that all science deals with probabilities, and the more probable something is the more we can rely upon it to be true.
We have no 'conclusive' explanation for gravity, we have strong theories, but on a micro-level gravity appears not to exist at all. It is because of this and other anomalies we cannot claim we fully understand gravity. I don't know about you though, but just cos we don't understand it, doesn't mean to say I'm not going to get out of the way when i throw a rock in the air.
Maybe its because I have faith that gravity is there.
Mcgraph's premise that because people spend so much effort trying to disprove god means it may be true, is interesting. I can only point out the huge amount of hate mail collected by the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster predominantly by the christian far right must mean there is truth in there somewhere. It also suggests that the huge protests over the cartoons in Denmark about Allah, must also have some truth behind it.
One letter in particular caught my eye...
I'm a bit confused about this website, and maybe someone would kindly enlighten me… Why take so much trouble to try and dismantle fundamental Christianity if you all sincerely disbelieve it?
I wonder why this whole movement feels like they're so threatened by Jesus if he's not real.
There were many retorts, but this one seemed the smartest.
Do you believe in radical Islam - the Wahabi sect that teaches hatred to nonbelievers and spawns terrorism? No? Then why would you want to dismantle it?
Oh! Maybe because you think it's HARMFUL. Like replacing science with bullshit. This site doesn't try to dismantle Christianity; just the fanatics who want ID taught in schools. We don't need a second Dark Ages, thank you.
It is clear that the site and the religion is mostly followed by people unhappy with the confidence shown by believers of all faiths. Its clear that allowing religion to enter the arena of politics, education and law making, is detrimental to a pluralistic society.
In a free democratic society, certain lines should no be crossed. I don't care what religion the president is so long as he doesn't act according to his or her religion. I believe in religious freedom and rights, provided those rights are not considered more important than the rights of the general population and society.
I appreciate that certain zealots will argue against evolution, claiming Bush's intelligent design as an alternative theory that should be presented in schools as fact in the same way evolution is, but the evidence presented for creationism is circumstantial and unfortunately also fits in with our friends of the church of the flying spaghetti monster. Which is the whole point of course.
At some point we have to say, this is proof and this is not proof. Our whole society relies on us having a provable standard. To Richard Dawkins, proof is defined as maximum probability. Alister McGraphs argument is that maximum probability is too stringent.
My feeling is that we should teach to that provable standard and above. The issues about creationism and the flying spaghetti monster being taught in conjunction with evolution, is as simple as evidential probability. There is far more circumstantial evidence for evolution, than there is for intelligent design. Evolution passes the evidence standard, whereas the planet being 6000 years old, and Adam and Eve being the first two people on the planet, does not.
In the meantime, the parody of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a welcome diversion that argues a point in a very very silly way. And I'm buying a pirate fish mug!
Friday, 10 October 2008
Legalese
To honour my Angela joining the legal ranks, i offer you a few pitfalls. That are too priceless for a bullitin... well done Angela and thanks to Marco
These are from a book called Disorder in the America Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
These are from a book called Disorder in the America Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Sunday, 5 October 2008
In God We Trust
As the american election goes into overdrive, and I got to tell you its been the most entertaining yet. Now I'm not going to tell you who I want to win, not that it matters what I... living in the 'free world' thinks when it comes to voting for the leader of the 'free world' but...
Its kind of funny that one of the founding principles of the american revolution was no taxation without representation, and yet here we are with another american president soon to be voted on, and the rest of the world not allowed to vote, and yet having to put countelss billions into their own money markets, nationalising banks etc just cos of the monumentous cock ups of the american government and its corporatist ideals.
Not that im bitter.
But to be honest, its not the election i wanted to talk about but the dollar note, well specifically the dollar coin... The dollar coin, just recently launched is interesting in that it apparently is the first coint o have writing on the sides of the coin. Well done. Apparently it says the immortal words 'In God We Trust', Not so well done.
I have to ask a few basic and simple questions about this, and please dont get all holier than though, and all weeeelll you aint american so you are a Heathen!
But why the hell does the one dollar coin need to have 'In God We Trust', firstly which God? At least half of the population of the US doesnt believe in an all powerful god, and the half that do have trouble agreeing in which one. And if we are talking about the christian god, the bible and all, I seem to remember he wasnt that fond of money, it is easier for a cael to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to yadda yaddda.... or false icons... okay I cant remember the reference here, but im pretty sure he wasnt keen on them, something about a golden calf springs to mind, yet there you go writing those words on your currency. Am I the only person to find this attitude a little weird.
Talking about religion for a second, there are two things that occur to me recently... firstly a quote
"The person of the prophet, is revered so profoundly with a love and affection that cannot be explained in words. It goes beyond your parents, your loved ones, your children. That is part of the faith."
This kind of rhetoric, this kind of blind devotion has been said by many a believer. Im a cabbie and enjoy a decent conversation with random people, but when people tell me they love a prophet from over 2000 years ago, rather than their own family, I start to wonder whats going on. Especially when they go on to tell me that the world is only 12k old...
Now about that, There are muslims and some far right christians alike that deny the holocaust ever happened. The argue that the evidence is not conclusive. Here are some examples of their beliefs;
The Gas Chambers, were just air raid shelters, with no holes in the roof, not in the structure or in the blueprints. Therefore if they werent gas chambers, then there was no holocaust.
The Cremation Ovens would not have had the time, or the fuel to burn so many bodies in the period of time allocated.
Anne Franks diary was written in ball point pen, and was written in a hand much more mature than her hand, so therefore was a fake.
Kristalnacht never happened to the extent claimed, both Hess and Hitler were livid at the violence, and never wanted what was a simple administrative procedure to end up as it did. Not only that, but the night was exascerbated by Jewish resistance with the sole intention of ensuring violence by the german soldiers .
Now I have to tell you, If you look up any of these issues online or through newspapers, you will see a very very different account. If you talk to victims still around you will hear a very different story, if you talk to the scientists you will find scientific evidence that it happened, and yet these people still believe its not happened.
Scientific proof and eye witnesses. That is the extent of proof available to us, Eye witnesses as you know become less and less reliable as time goes on, and yet for religion we are supposed to believe eye witnesses from over 2000 years ago, and scientific proof...
The thing about scientific proof is that, if you just look at things from one angle, say fingerprints on a knife, you may come to the wrong conclusion, which is why courts require alot more than one piece of scientific evidence. They need combined scientific proof to give a best guess. A best guess, not certain knowledge... best guess. Thats the other thing about science, it doesnt have the arrogance of religion, it knows it could be wrong, it accepts that future knowledge and understanding could be different, as opposed to religions blind 'faith', belief without proof perhaps.
So when scientists say the earth is billions of years old, they dont say it because of one test done on one rock, they say it as a theory which they post in a journal, then other sceintists spend their time trying to prove or disprove it, by alternative tests or by a larger population test or by alternative methods ec. This way science has gradually been able to come to some conclusions which they call laws.
These laws are the basis of science and are proved everyday through testing. These laws are the building blocks of science, and help us to understand everything around us. So when someone tells me the earth is only 6000 years old, it is only right that the burden of Proof is on the theory, not lack of proof of others. And also when someone tells me adam and eve are the first two people on the planet, I laugh with the same incredulity as a Jew at the guy who says the Holocaust never happened.
Okay, im off subject here, but there you go.
Its kind of funny that one of the founding principles of the american revolution was no taxation without representation, and yet here we are with another american president soon to be voted on, and the rest of the world not allowed to vote, and yet having to put countelss billions into their own money markets, nationalising banks etc just cos of the monumentous cock ups of the american government and its corporatist ideals.
Not that im bitter.
But to be honest, its not the election i wanted to talk about but the dollar note, well specifically the dollar coin... The dollar coin, just recently launched is interesting in that it apparently is the first coint o have writing on the sides of the coin. Well done. Apparently it says the immortal words 'In God We Trust', Not so well done.
I have to ask a few basic and simple questions about this, and please dont get all holier than though, and all weeeelll you aint american so you are a Heathen!
But why the hell does the one dollar coin need to have 'In God We Trust', firstly which God? At least half of the population of the US doesnt believe in an all powerful god, and the half that do have trouble agreeing in which one. And if we are talking about the christian god, the bible and all, I seem to remember he wasnt that fond of money, it is easier for a cael to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to yadda yaddda.... or false icons... okay I cant remember the reference here, but im pretty sure he wasnt keen on them, something about a golden calf springs to mind, yet there you go writing those words on your currency. Am I the only person to find this attitude a little weird.
Talking about religion for a second, there are two things that occur to me recently... firstly a quote
"The person of the prophet, is revered so profoundly with a love and affection that cannot be explained in words. It goes beyond your parents, your loved ones, your children. That is part of the faith."
This kind of rhetoric, this kind of blind devotion has been said by many a believer. Im a cabbie and enjoy a decent conversation with random people, but when people tell me they love a prophet from over 2000 years ago, rather than their own family, I start to wonder whats going on. Especially when they go on to tell me that the world is only 12k old...
Now about that, There are muslims and some far right christians alike that deny the holocaust ever happened. The argue that the evidence is not conclusive. Here are some examples of their beliefs;
The Gas Chambers, were just air raid shelters, with no holes in the roof, not in the structure or in the blueprints. Therefore if they werent gas chambers, then there was no holocaust.
The Cremation Ovens would not have had the time, or the fuel to burn so many bodies in the period of time allocated.
Anne Franks diary was written in ball point pen, and was written in a hand much more mature than her hand, so therefore was a fake.
Kristalnacht never happened to the extent claimed, both Hess and Hitler were livid at the violence, and never wanted what was a simple administrative procedure to end up as it did. Not only that, but the night was exascerbated by Jewish resistance with the sole intention of ensuring violence by the german soldiers .
Now I have to tell you, If you look up any of these issues online or through newspapers, you will see a very very different account. If you talk to victims still around you will hear a very different story, if you talk to the scientists you will find scientific evidence that it happened, and yet these people still believe its not happened.
Scientific proof and eye witnesses. That is the extent of proof available to us, Eye witnesses as you know become less and less reliable as time goes on, and yet for religion we are supposed to believe eye witnesses from over 2000 years ago, and scientific proof...
The thing about scientific proof is that, if you just look at things from one angle, say fingerprints on a knife, you may come to the wrong conclusion, which is why courts require alot more than one piece of scientific evidence. They need combined scientific proof to give a best guess. A best guess, not certain knowledge... best guess. Thats the other thing about science, it doesnt have the arrogance of religion, it knows it could be wrong, it accepts that future knowledge and understanding could be different, as opposed to religions blind 'faith', belief without proof perhaps.
So when scientists say the earth is billions of years old, they dont say it because of one test done on one rock, they say it as a theory which they post in a journal, then other sceintists spend their time trying to prove or disprove it, by alternative tests or by a larger population test or by alternative methods ec. This way science has gradually been able to come to some conclusions which they call laws.
These laws are the basis of science and are proved everyday through testing. These laws are the building blocks of science, and help us to understand everything around us. So when someone tells me the earth is only 6000 years old, it is only right that the burden of Proof is on the theory, not lack of proof of others. And also when someone tells me adam and eve are the first two people on the planet, I laugh with the same incredulity as a Jew at the guy who says the Holocaust never happened.
Okay, im off subject here, but there you go.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
My catch up
It has been some time and I have plenty of irrelevant things to say, so where to begin.
Firstly, I have bought myself a set of Bongos, now even though I cant play them to any extent, other that bashing them semi-rhythmically along to Rolling Stones numbers, I do intend to be a bongo afficianado by the end of next year, headlining at the Garden (obviously I mean my parents garden, not madison square)
Secondly, I caught a rather painful ear infection which left me nearly totally deaf. In fact my right ear still has some blocked fluid and so i still jump a mile when my flattie creeps up on me on that side.
I have been staying off myspace, not because I am being mean, but simply cos i have too much on my plate recently. For that I apologise. And I will endeavour to do better in the future.
Thats it for now, cos i am uninspired at the mo, but I promise to write more soon.
See ya's
Firstly, I have bought myself a set of Bongos, now even though I cant play them to any extent, other that bashing them semi-rhythmically along to Rolling Stones numbers, I do intend to be a bongo afficianado by the end of next year, headlining at the Garden (obviously I mean my parents garden, not madison square)
Secondly, I caught a rather painful ear infection which left me nearly totally deaf. In fact my right ear still has some blocked fluid and so i still jump a mile when my flattie creeps up on me on that side.
I have been staying off myspace, not because I am being mean, but simply cos i have too much on my plate recently. For that I apologise. And I will endeavour to do better in the future.
Thats it for now, cos i am uninspired at the mo, but I promise to write more soon.
See ya's
Sunday, 31 August 2008
Gigging
This Blog has been a long time coming, but a few of you have been enquiring as to why i have been achy.
Dorchester, my home own is a small place, not much happens. Its predominantly elderly, and has the nightlife of a cemetary, but every now and then something interesting happens... I was hoping to get you some actual pictures of the melee that happened last Monday (bank Holiday), but as ever something goes wrong, and so they will have to stay on my phone for a little while. The concert held in our roman ampitheatre was totally free and attended by some 1000 people all bringing their picnics and dancing shoea.
There were 6 bands in all, but I shall only mention two, first my unbelievably talented friends Nina and Ben who play fiddle as good as any pro in the band Jigsaw, and the astounding Joey the Lips.
I had a girlfriend who used to enjoy going to a village pub once a month to watch the folk jamming sessions there. The band The Sydling Stompers would organise the variety of different acts that would sing a song or two, before passing on the baton. The stompers were basically a family, consisting of Mum Lynnes, Dad John and son and daughter, Ben and Nina, Ben was already a huge talent when i first saw him aged 15, but Nina was th star in the making, aged 9 she would sing like a bird and her fiddling was nearly as good as her older brother already.
Now some 20 years later, both have had their successes, but are thankfully both in the local area playing in Bens band Jigsaw, and they are fantastic. I could wax lyrical about them but I really dont need to, firstly because you will probably never see them, and two cos there are few things more dull than people going on and on about how great their musical friends are.
So I shall move quickly on to Joey the Lips
They play Blues, rhythm and blues and soul, and they are fantastic. I had never heard of them before, but they blew me and all 1000 people away. We danced the entire set of Soul classics, and sang til our hearts were content. My personal highlights were 'Love Shack' and the karaoke version of 'Dont Stop Me Now', I say karaoke version, because they didnt sing it, we did! The entire crowd. They didnt sing a note. A new step in concerts, pick any song the crowd might know, and just play backing, whilst your audience sings as badly and as loudly as they could possibly want.
I had no voice, and I felt like someone had borrowed my legs to practice riverdancing with their irish friends.
I had a fab time.
Nuff said.
Saturday, 16 August 2008
Fun and Olympic Games
I cant help but be astounded at the variety of sports offered by the olympics in China this week. As always you get to see some sports you never watch at any time of your life, such as Dressage (of which I still dont understand) and the Points Cycling. I sat there for half an hour watching them go round and round the track getting excited, and without a clue as to what was going on.
In a moment of madness my flattie and I pondered where these sports originated. Some are obvious, like the marathon. As messengers from the kings and Emperors of history were sent to the front lines of major battles to inform their armies as to tactics... It does seem a shame that some of those origins are not better adhered to. In those days the marathon runners would have to avoid arrows and spears thrown at them, perhaps a more traditional version of the sport could include the crowd throwing wet sponges and rotten tomatoes.
Likewise the javelin, or spear throwing makes perfect sense, although i have always felt there should be targets out there to hit, but what about some of the vaguer sports.
Krispin and I had a little think. Take the triple jump. Obviously seeing how far you can jump is a legitamate sport, but what on earth is the triple jump about? When in life do we Hop, Skip and Jump in such a rediculous manner... Here's my theory... Have you ever been on a beach on a really hot day when the sand is burning hot? Yes, I am convinced, the triple jump is a modern olympic version of going from the towel to the sea without burning the soles of your feet.
The shot put, seems like another strange one. Now some would say it comes from rock throwing as shown in the movie 'Braveheart' and maybe thats true, but as Mel Gibson in a kilt clearly showed, throwing big rocks at people is never going to be that effective. Instead I think its far more likely the sport developed in the 1600's. Imagine a ship being circled by pirates, and all the cannonballs are on one side! Cannonbal throwing would be useful then.
The discus also seems a little weird, but with a little thought, we figured this ancient sport clearly owes alot to bad cooking! Perhaps disgruntled greeks, tired of fighting on the frontline would would fling lumps of stale mouldy bread at their enemies rather than eat it themselves. Its just a thought.
Krispin suggested that the pole vault was some strange siege weapon, for knights to storm castles, but somehow I can imagine a knigt with chainmail, sword and shield running up to a castle wall with a dirty great pole.
Any ideas on that please let me know. Actually, if you have any other ideas, say about Badminton, or synchronised diving please let me know, and what the hell is the parrallel bars about... When did anyone need to do that!
Myfriend Angela believes we should develop these sports for the winter games too, perhaps instead of the 100 meter dash they have in the summer games, we should have a 100 meter stop, all the atheletes on a giant catapult, fired from a starting gate on the ice! I love it. Or you could have the 400 meter speed skate hurdling! Genius sport! That would be hilarious! As it is I spend half the winter olympics in tears of laughter. Why would any sane person go down a bobsleigh track on a tea tray!
I do like the idea of turning summer sports to winter sports though, I would love to see Womens Snow Volleyball, or Ice Weightlifting. Once again thoughts welcome.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
The Worlds Greatest Olympian?
Firstly, I just want to say what a fantastic job the chinese did on the opening of the olympics. Full of colour and spectacle. I hate openings, but this one was truly stunning.
A huge well done to Michael Phelps for winning yet another gold medal and becoming the winner of the most gold medals in the history of the olympics. He is without doubt a phenomenal athelete and deserves every accolade... every accolade that is except greatest ever olympian.
Now I'm not saying he is, or he isnt, he certainly has a very very good claim on it, but I think he's not there yet. Lets be honest, in the top 100 of the most olympic medal winners, there are a lot of Swimmers. Could it be that the are more opportunities to win olympic golds?
Let me just put forward a few issues I have and mention a few other names for consideration.
Just to show that I am not being anti-american in this, lets start with Carl Lewis... winner of 9 golds and 1 silver medal. The 100m, 200m, 4x100m and long jump equalling Jesse Owens record in 1936. He then did the same thing again 4 years later. Breaking world records in all 8 competitions. After a hiccough in 92, he went on to win his final two medals in 96. This is a fantastic tally in a very difficult event
And what about the russian Gymnast Larissa Latynina, 9 gold medals, 5 silver medals and 4 bronze medals across three olympic games. She never entered a competition that she did not win a medal in, and still hold the record of most medals won.
Then theres the italian Edoardo Mangiarotti. In 2003, the IOC (International Olympic Committee) awarded him with a Platinum Wreath, with a document which stated that: Edoardo Mangiarotti's total of 39 medals (6 olympic golds, 5 slivers and 2 bronzes), in Olympic & World Fencing Championships not only earns him the distinction of being the greatest Fencer in that sport's history, but also distinguishes him as the most decorated athlete in ALL Olympic Sports in the history of the Olympics.
What about German canoer Brigit Fischer, winner of 8 gold medals in the K1, K2 and K4 events. The first in 1980, and despite retiring in 2001 she went on to win her last in 2004. She would have won more except for the eastern bloc boycott of 1984.
Or perhaps a nod should go to Bjorn Daehlie, winner of 8 gold medals and 4 silver medals in the extremely hard cross country skiing event during 92' to '98 (to be fair there were 3 olympic events here), this is a most impressive tally in an endurance event.
I'm a brit though, and I cant help but add our own hero Steven Redgrave, 5 gold medals in 5 consecutive olympic games from '84 to 2000. Unlike other sporting events such as swimming or running, fencing or gymnastic, rowing is not a well supported event. It doesnt have 37 different medal winning opportunities. Its one race, one chance. And Redgrave was at the top of the sport for a fantastic 16years. And If you have ever tried rowing yourself, you will know that its an absolute killer of an endurance event.
I am really pleased that once again we have a fantastic olympian in Michael Phelps, and if he is still getting golds in 8 years time, I will concur that he is in fact the greatest olympian so far. Just not yet.
A huge well done to Michael Phelps for winning yet another gold medal and becoming the winner of the most gold medals in the history of the olympics. He is without doubt a phenomenal athelete and deserves every accolade... every accolade that is except greatest ever olympian.
Now I'm not saying he is, or he isnt, he certainly has a very very good claim on it, but I think he's not there yet. Lets be honest, in the top 100 of the most olympic medal winners, there are a lot of Swimmers. Could it be that the are more opportunities to win olympic golds?
Let me just put forward a few issues I have and mention a few other names for consideration.
Just to show that I am not being anti-american in this, lets start with Carl Lewis... winner of 9 golds and 1 silver medal. The 100m, 200m, 4x100m and long jump equalling Jesse Owens record in 1936. He then did the same thing again 4 years later. Breaking world records in all 8 competitions. After a hiccough in 92, he went on to win his final two medals in 96. This is a fantastic tally in a very difficult event
And what about the russian Gymnast Larissa Latynina, 9 gold medals, 5 silver medals and 4 bronze medals across three olympic games. She never entered a competition that she did not win a medal in, and still hold the record of most medals won.
Then theres the italian Edoardo Mangiarotti. In 2003, the IOC (International Olympic Committee) awarded him with a Platinum Wreath, with a document which stated that: Edoardo Mangiarotti's total of 39 medals (6 olympic golds, 5 slivers and 2 bronzes), in Olympic & World Fencing Championships not only earns him the distinction of being the greatest Fencer in that sport's history, but also distinguishes him as the most decorated athlete in ALL Olympic Sports in the history of the Olympics.
What about German canoer Brigit Fischer, winner of 8 gold medals in the K1, K2 and K4 events. The first in 1980, and despite retiring in 2001 she went on to win her last in 2004. She would have won more except for the eastern bloc boycott of 1984.
Or perhaps a nod should go to Bjorn Daehlie, winner of 8 gold medals and 4 silver medals in the extremely hard cross country skiing event during 92' to '98 (to be fair there were 3 olympic events here), this is a most impressive tally in an endurance event.
I'm a brit though, and I cant help but add our own hero Steven Redgrave, 5 gold medals in 5 consecutive olympic games from '84 to 2000. Unlike other sporting events such as swimming or running, fencing or gymnastic, rowing is not a well supported event. It doesnt have 37 different medal winning opportunities. Its one race, one chance. And Redgrave was at the top of the sport for a fantastic 16years. And If you have ever tried rowing yourself, you will know that its an absolute killer of an endurance event.
I am really pleased that once again we have a fantastic olympian in Michael Phelps, and if he is still getting golds in 8 years time, I will concur that he is in fact the greatest olympian so far. Just not yet.
Friday, 8 August 2008
Talk about luck
Once again I can tell you I have had a second disaster free week! Yay!
And despite my bad luck taking me from one nightmare to the next so far this year, I have to tell you that my luck is still not as bad as some. I am not refering to the guy who lost his leg in a lawn bowling accident, or the lady who has her back put out slipping on the hoover lead. I am refering to my good friend Rae.
Now not many people have had such a constantly bad run of luck, its hard to know where to start if truth be told, but I met Rae about 5 years ago. She knew i had finished my job at the clothes warehouse and offered me her taxi to run on the days she wasnt. I accepted and became a cabbie to the stars.
About 3months after that i bought my first cab and ran it happily for about 2 years. Rae however did not.
She was driving the xantia to town, and found a suitable parking spot. She turned off the engine, the suspension went down (as they do in citroens) and the bonnet crumpled. She tells me she watched the whole thing in slow motion. A bit like a monster trying to get out of a steal cage, think 'Resident Evil', his pistol thingy finally made it free.
Not undaunted, she decided to go for bust. She bought two cars, a Mondeo which she kindly leant to a friend, for a small weekly fee, and a London Black Cab (£16K from Cabs Direct, an HP firm)
Clearly Cab Direct had not looked at the vehicle, as it was filthy inside when she received it, the ashtray hadn't even been emptied. She had the vehicle a full two weeks before the automatic gearbox went whilst picking up a customer. Fortunately for her the customers were too drunk to notice the 15mile journey took them 30 minutes.
After complaining to the firm, she recieved a 7 seater. Now they had at least taken the trouble to clean this one, and fit a number of repairs before giving her the vehicle, including the Cam belt. They didnt change the Water Pump however, which when it went tore right through the Cam belt, which in turn ripped through the engine. When the AA repair man turned up, she said either your cam belts gone, or your car swallowed a cat!
Well, naturally with all this bad luck and with Cabs Direct demanding their money she reclaimed the Mondeo, only to discover an electrical fault. £600 later and no-one had a clue as to what it was. At that point she gave up the ghost and declared herself bankrupt, no longer able to sue Cabs Direct for their mess ups... well she could but she wont get a penny from it. All this was just 2 weeks after her last payment on the vehicle
She then started working for a taxi-cab firm in town, borrowing a Xsara. This is an extremely unprofitable thing to do, as instead of paying a one-off charge, you hand 50% of all your earnings to the cab firm. That one broke down at Bournemouth Airport with passengers waiting to go home. It went to the doctors and the car and the cab firm have never been seen since.
Now, today she tells me she has had an accident involving a Milk tanker. The lanes in our countryside are tight , and whilst no-one was at fault, Raes car looks like being a write off, the amount of damage to the Milk tanker... nothing!
I should take solice that no matter how bad my luck can get, I will never have as much bad luck as Rae has had in the last 5 years.
The real lesson to us all though, is that despite this terrible run, she still smiles and laughs everyday. And can still take me from being depressed to being in hysterics in 5 seconds flat. I'm so sorry for you mate, but thank you for being my friend.
And despite my bad luck taking me from one nightmare to the next so far this year, I have to tell you that my luck is still not as bad as some. I am not refering to the guy who lost his leg in a lawn bowling accident, or the lady who has her back put out slipping on the hoover lead. I am refering to my good friend Rae.
Now not many people have had such a constantly bad run of luck, its hard to know where to start if truth be told, but I met Rae about 5 years ago. She knew i had finished my job at the clothes warehouse and offered me her taxi to run on the days she wasnt. I accepted and became a cabbie to the stars.
About 3months after that i bought my first cab and ran it happily for about 2 years. Rae however did not.
She was driving the xantia to town, and found a suitable parking spot. She turned off the engine, the suspension went down (as they do in citroens) and the bonnet crumpled. She tells me she watched the whole thing in slow motion. A bit like a monster trying to get out of a steal cage, think 'Resident Evil', his pistol thingy finally made it free.
Not undaunted, she decided to go for bust. She bought two cars, a Mondeo which she kindly leant to a friend, for a small weekly fee, and a London Black Cab (£16K from Cabs Direct, an HP firm)
Clearly Cab Direct had not looked at the vehicle, as it was filthy inside when she received it, the ashtray hadn't even been emptied. She had the vehicle a full two weeks before the automatic gearbox went whilst picking up a customer. Fortunately for her the customers were too drunk to notice the 15mile journey took them 30 minutes.
After complaining to the firm, she recieved a 7 seater. Now they had at least taken the trouble to clean this one, and fit a number of repairs before giving her the vehicle, including the Cam belt. They didnt change the Water Pump however, which when it went tore right through the Cam belt, which in turn ripped through the engine. When the AA repair man turned up, she said either your cam belts gone, or your car swallowed a cat!
Well, naturally with all this bad luck and with Cabs Direct demanding their money she reclaimed the Mondeo, only to discover an electrical fault. £600 later and no-one had a clue as to what it was. At that point she gave up the ghost and declared herself bankrupt, no longer able to sue Cabs Direct for their mess ups... well she could but she wont get a penny from it. All this was just 2 weeks after her last payment on the vehicle
She then started working for a taxi-cab firm in town, borrowing a Xsara. This is an extremely unprofitable thing to do, as instead of paying a one-off charge, you hand 50% of all your earnings to the cab firm. That one broke down at Bournemouth Airport with passengers waiting to go home. It went to the doctors and the car and the cab firm have never been seen since.
Now, today she tells me she has had an accident involving a Milk tanker. The lanes in our countryside are tight , and whilst no-one was at fault, Raes car looks like being a write off, the amount of damage to the Milk tanker... nothing!
I should take solice that no matter how bad my luck can get, I will never have as much bad luck as Rae has had in the last 5 years.
The real lesson to us all though, is that despite this terrible run, she still smiles and laughs everyday. And can still take me from being depressed to being in hysterics in 5 seconds flat. I'm so sorry for you mate, but thank you for being my friend.
Saturday, 2 August 2008
The Great British Breakfast
Imagine a plate of food served up to you at 8am, with the sun steaming through the whispy clouds.
Rashers of sizzling bacon, plump sausages, fried tomates, beans, eggs sunny side up, potato croquets or has browns if you will, mushrooms in butter, fried bread, toast on a side plate, a hot steaming cup of coffee and some fruit juice. A Full English breakfast. They say the entire british empire was nurtured by this hearty meal, everyday during its 300 year reign.
To you and I in this enlightened world, we may see it as a coronary waiting to happen, and would recommend 30 minutes on a stairmaster. However, in the days of the british raj this was not an option. Instead they used to hunt lions so thats nice.
As I sat in the cafe at Gatwick Airport, on the grubby seats and sugared table waiting for my Egg and Bacon toasty, I watched the esteemed group of various gentlemen that patronised the 'Greasy Spoon', and my thoughts went back to this image of 18th century Bristol filled with sailors looking to gather new booty from the Americas.
The sandwich finally arrived, and the only way to describe it was dissapppointing The bacon was limp and gristly, the egg yolk was congealed, and the barely toasted toast, was dry and stale as if the penicillin had only just been scraped off. There was no sign of butter or mayonnaise, tomatoes or lettuce. The coffee was weak and sourly burnt my lips with its insipid taste. I have no idea how many bacteria resided in the china chips.
Thats when it occured to me that Britain really is a nation of shopkeepers, and they dont go to work on a hearty, traditional full english at all, but instead go to work on a diet of shrivelled up sausages, rancid eggs, and a tomato so mushy that they'd give Halle Berry a run for best oscar acceptance.
Thank god I ate my cornflakes before i went.
The small businessmen and manual workers however, devoured every last morsel down to the final crumbs of buttered bread, as they sat and chatted with bonhomie and jus de vive.
Clearly I will never be a millionaire in Britain... for a start they're clearly all too French!
Rashers of sizzling bacon, plump sausages, fried tomates, beans, eggs sunny side up, potato croquets or has browns if you will, mushrooms in butter, fried bread, toast on a side plate, a hot steaming cup of coffee and some fruit juice. A Full English breakfast. They say the entire british empire was nurtured by this hearty meal, everyday during its 300 year reign.
To you and I in this enlightened world, we may see it as a coronary waiting to happen, and would recommend 30 minutes on a stairmaster. However, in the days of the british raj this was not an option. Instead they used to hunt lions so thats nice.
As I sat in the cafe at Gatwick Airport, on the grubby seats and sugared table waiting for my Egg and Bacon toasty, I watched the esteemed group of various gentlemen that patronised the 'Greasy Spoon', and my thoughts went back to this image of 18th century Bristol filled with sailors looking to gather new booty from the Americas.
The sandwich finally arrived, and the only way to describe it was dissapppointing The bacon was limp and gristly, the egg yolk was congealed, and the barely toasted toast, was dry and stale as if the penicillin had only just been scraped off. There was no sign of butter or mayonnaise, tomatoes or lettuce. The coffee was weak and sourly burnt my lips with its insipid taste. I have no idea how many bacteria resided in the china chips.
Thats when it occured to me that Britain really is a nation of shopkeepers, and they dont go to work on a hearty, traditional full english at all, but instead go to work on a diet of shrivelled up sausages, rancid eggs, and a tomato so mushy that they'd give Halle Berry a run for best oscar acceptance.
Thank god I ate my cornflakes before i went.
The small businessmen and manual workers however, devoured every last morsel down to the final crumbs of buttered bread, as they sat and chatted with bonhomie and jus de vive.
Clearly I will never be a millionaire in Britain... for a start they're clearly all too French!
Thursday, 31 July 2008
The Colour of Life
If your character formed by years of stories make the pattern of your lifes picture, then your quirks, the things original to you make up your colour.
As I look at myfriends, they all have dashes of colour. Particularities that makes sense to them and them alone. Things that a complete stranger can talk to you about.
Alice and Nae have a spiritual connection that scares the bejesus out of me...
Rae writes graffitti on his living room walls.
Amanda has a hand bag fettish
Angela dreams of being a lawyer
Shona gets all weirded out by odd numbers
And my flatmate Krispin likes taking pictures of flowers!
Anyhow I will let you into a little bit of my colour. I do taxi runs for the local sealife centre. Now i'm not talking the people, or experts from overseas (although that does happen very rarely), I'm talking the fish.
Yes, the fish go on holidays.
And I drive them to the airport.
They're pretty good customers, except the prawns change the radio channel all the time, and when I get squid on board the cab smells like a deodorant factory.
I can only presume the sea horses are sent out to seahorse stud farms, have their wicked way with the foreign seahorse by getting them drunk and molesting them in the clubs.
Whatever the reason, I love it. It adds colour into my life. The best time, though, is when I have to pick them up, like I did today.
I am sat in the quaranteened animal reception area. There are 7 people there with me, a couple with a small baby waiting for their small dog, a couple discussing the charges waiting for two cats, and three people waiting for a German Sheppard named Boris.
Now I have never had a pet, well thats not totally true, but I've never been responsible for a pet. And quite honestly I cant imagine anyone liking their pet so much they want to take it on holiday with them, but clearly they have an odd clique, because these 7 strangers were talking to each other like they had been friends for years. I felt much the same way as when I did when I accidentally walked in on a pregnant mums group at the Town Hall.
I didnt have a clue as to what they were talking about.
So I sat there smiling at people, like a grinning fool. The discussion ranged from vets fees to amusing stories, the couple with the baby even mentioned pedigree, whatever that means. And all the time I sat there smiling through it all. That was, until the woman said....
"Whos picking up the Octopus!"
Suddenly, I have been elected Pet Owner of the day, as all the weirdoscrowd round me asking questions.
I know nothing about octopi, but there were more of them than me, and they were circling me like hyenas. So I blagged it... Yes there are 2, yes their names are Gregory and Matilda, yes i keep them in a tank, yes i feed them crab... Thank god they were boxed up or else they'd have been fondled to death!
The truth is, I love the little critters, I know they're not everyones cup of tea, but for me, the octopus is the only possible pet I would consider.
As I look at myfriends, they all have dashes of colour. Particularities that makes sense to them and them alone. Things that a complete stranger can talk to you about.
Alice and Nae have a spiritual connection that scares the bejesus out of me...
Rae writes graffitti on his living room walls.
Amanda has a hand bag fettish
Angela dreams of being a lawyer
Shona gets all weirded out by odd numbers
And my flatmate Krispin likes taking pictures of flowers!
Anyhow I will let you into a little bit of my colour. I do taxi runs for the local sealife centre. Now i'm not talking the people, or experts from overseas (although that does happen very rarely), I'm talking the fish.
Yes, the fish go on holidays.
And I drive them to the airport.
They're pretty good customers, except the prawns change the radio channel all the time, and when I get squid on board the cab smells like a deodorant factory.
I can only presume the sea horses are sent out to seahorse stud farms, have their wicked way with the foreign seahorse by getting them drunk and molesting them in the clubs.
Whatever the reason, I love it. It adds colour into my life. The best time, though, is when I have to pick them up, like I did today.
I am sat in the quaranteened animal reception area. There are 7 people there with me, a couple with a small baby waiting for their small dog, a couple discussing the charges waiting for two cats, and three people waiting for a German Sheppard named Boris.
Now I have never had a pet, well thats not totally true, but I've never been responsible for a pet. And quite honestly I cant imagine anyone liking their pet so much they want to take it on holiday with them, but clearly they have an odd clique, because these 7 strangers were talking to each other like they had been friends for years. I felt much the same way as when I did when I accidentally walked in on a pregnant mums group at the Town Hall.
I didnt have a clue as to what they were talking about.
So I sat there smiling at people, like a grinning fool. The discussion ranged from vets fees to amusing stories, the couple with the baby even mentioned pedigree, whatever that means. And all the time I sat there smiling through it all. That was, until the woman said....
"Whos picking up the Octopus!"
Suddenly, I have been elected Pet Owner of the day, as all the weirdoscrowd round me asking questions.
I know nothing about octopi, but there were more of them than me, and they were circling me like hyenas. So I blagged it... Yes there are 2, yes their names are Gregory and Matilda, yes i keep them in a tank, yes i feed them crab... Thank god they were boxed up or else they'd have been fondled to death!
The truth is, I love the little critters, I know they're not everyones cup of tea, but for me, the octopus is the only possible pet I would consider.
Monday, 28 July 2008
The Big Question, Bouncy or Firm?
I Have News!!!!
Momentous News!!!!
I have had a whole week pass me by without a major disaster!!!!
(I know, its not much, but it makes me happy)
So, to let you all know whats going on...
My father is at home and bored senseless, and we have to sit on him to get him to take it easy. He's a restless soul naturally, but the pacemaker turned him into an energiser bunny. The whole premise of getting him to sit still just wont work. Today, whilst doing some washing, I caught him weeding in the garden. Ok, so before you say it... Yes, he has just had a mini-stroke, and yes, he is brain crazy!
I have nearly bought something I'm looking forward to showing off soon. Its just a matter of time, before it is mine, as it is I actually have the item in Question, but I wont take pics or tell you until its mine for sure.... So stay tuned.
Also, I would like to point out that my flattie is a numpty, an idiot, a plonker, a giant bag of smelly moss and sticky lichen! I was struggling to think of a suitable thing to blog about today. I wanted a basic subject to get my teeth into, and he told me... why dont you blog about your car and your dad!
It appears the only person right round the world that hasn't read the blogs I so lovingly write, is the best friend who sleeps in the room next door!
Anyway, all that aside, and perhaps in honour of this momentous revelation, I have decideed to ask you, myfriends, a question of profound proportions. I am presenting, if you will, a Challenge to stand your ground. No reasons required, just simple answers to a simple question. A question that may have taxed us all at some point....
Bouncy, or Firm?
Now I ask this, not just of women, but also of men.
As well as the rather obvious question about ... erm... womens ... erm... mamillious adornments..... I am wondering if a mans.... erm... appendage, is more attractive when only erm.... half filled up, or when fully... erm... you know.
So, to clarify the question....
In your opinion, is it sexier when it has more bounce than a cheque from IndyMac, or when it's harder than getting a strip-show at the Ayatollah's!
I'm not kidding around... I am genuine... For Men and Women... Do you prefer Bouncy or Firm?
For my own part, I go with bouncy... on both men and women. Bouncy is just plane more fun. You can make your partner a laughing wreck, just by jumping on the bed or running round the room! How simple is that!
And there are few more satisfying pleasures than getting a sneaky peaky as you go slowly over speed bumps.
Life is sweet with Bouncy.
Momentous News!!!!
I have had a whole week pass me by without a major disaster!!!!
(I know, its not much, but it makes me happy)
So, to let you all know whats going on...
My father is at home and bored senseless, and we have to sit on him to get him to take it easy. He's a restless soul naturally, but the pacemaker turned him into an energiser bunny. The whole premise of getting him to sit still just wont work. Today, whilst doing some washing, I caught him weeding in the garden. Ok, so before you say it... Yes, he has just had a mini-stroke, and yes, he is brain crazy!
I have nearly bought something I'm looking forward to showing off soon. Its just a matter of time, before it is mine, as it is I actually have the item in Question, but I wont take pics or tell you until its mine for sure.... So stay tuned.
Also, I would like to point out that my flattie is a numpty, an idiot, a plonker, a giant bag of smelly moss and sticky lichen! I was struggling to think of a suitable thing to blog about today. I wanted a basic subject to get my teeth into, and he told me... why dont you blog about your car and your dad!
It appears the only person right round the world that hasn't read the blogs I so lovingly write, is the best friend who sleeps in the room next door!
Anyway, all that aside, and perhaps in honour of this momentous revelation, I have decideed to ask you, myfriends, a question of profound proportions. I am presenting, if you will, a Challenge to stand your ground. No reasons required, just simple answers to a simple question. A question that may have taxed us all at some point....
Bouncy, or Firm?
Now I ask this, not just of women, but also of men.
As well as the rather obvious question about ... erm... womens ... erm... mamillious adornments..... I am wondering if a mans.... erm... appendage, is more attractive when only erm.... half filled up, or when fully... erm... you know.
So, to clarify the question....
In your opinion, is it sexier when it has more bounce than a cheque from IndyMac, or when it's harder than getting a strip-show at the Ayatollah's!
I'm not kidding around... I am genuine... For Men and Women... Do you prefer Bouncy or Firm?
For my own part, I go with bouncy... on both men and women. Bouncy is just plane more fun. You can make your partner a laughing wreck, just by jumping on the bed or running round the room! How simple is that!
And there are few more satisfying pleasures than getting a sneaky peaky as you go slowly over speed bumps.
Life is sweet with Bouncy.
Thursday, 17 July 2008
A week to remember
Well, its been another awful week. This year is definitely having its ups and downs... but I am writing this to prove a point... About being positive... partly for you but mostly for me... Anyhow..
Firstly, as you know my cab which is the focus of much amusement has been poorly. I bought the thing for £4000 March last year, and it has served me well, but there was a grinding noise that came from under the bonnet (hood) and so the doctor was called in.
At first i was informed it was the fly wheel, now i havent a clue what a fly wheel is, but im guessing my car needs one, and my friend the mechanic told me you dont replace a fly wheel without replacing a clutch.. he suggested the price would be around £1000. I dont have £1000 lying around, so it took alot of begging to scrape up the money. One of the conditions to the begging though, was to go to the Vauxhall dealer.
They're pretty good over there, so I wasnt too bothered, and when they rang me with the news that both my timing chains had gone and needed to be replaced for the sum of £750, i was relieved. They informed me that i needed a new starter motor as well at the price of £125... both handlable!
The very next day however, they told me that the fly wheel and clutch both needed to be replaced as well! After a serious amount of negotiations and apologies from the garage my final price was £1625. Shit!
So more begging. And they have had my car for 4 days so far. Thats 4 days of not working, not that those days are busy days, but... and when they finally give it back to me, they have done something to my taxi meter. I now have to drive 25 miles tomorrow morning (missing work tonight) to get it fixed!
Next my father who I love desperately, had a fall. He's had a heart attack before and I was very worried about him. The doc says it might be a mini stroke following the insertion of his pacemaker... Mum is pulling her hair out, and i'm not surprised... They fight like cats and dogs most of the time, but when you see them so fragile, thats when the real love comes through. Those tender moments, touching hands and sitting with each other in the dark.
Anyhow, on Monday morning at about 7am, she called me panicing about dad... I went over straight away, even though i had spent the night chatting to a couple of friends online. As we waited for the doc to turn up, I sat through my mum having what could only be described as a mini breakdown, at first she was ranting about how she couldnt handle looking after him, but it ended up with her crying on me because just the thought of him hurting was crushing her.
The doc didnt turn up til 1 and then mum was out the door for some tablets. She looked awful but not as bad as she did on tuesday. 36 hrs of not sleeping can do that, she was also starting to develop a fever. I stayed with them both, and mum got a little sleep.
Wednesday as I was getting the £750 news, mum looked terrible and dad was still dizzy on his feet. They booked the docs again for the next day.... Today.
So I turn up around 1pm... Sorry to Amanda, I left MSN on last night by mistake, when i woke up my head was on the laptop... For the first hour i had keyboard marks on my face, and the second hour was spent trying to dry the whole thing out from the dribble.
Dad had gone to the doctors in the morning, and was told about the possibility of the mini stroke, and how more tests were needed. Mum however was due to go to the hospital for some erm tests... She was carefully instructed by the NHS to drink 2.5 pints of water and not to visit the bathroom for 8 hrs before she turned up. Well, my mum is a little anal about this sort of stuff and drank tea with abandon last night and this morning, she also didn't visit the bathroom for a good 20 hrs when it was time for her to go.
She gave me absolutely loads of instructions which basically consisted of dont let dad do anything, but if he wants to move about and do things then let him.... my mum has her confusing moments... especially when she is tired and rough. She finally dashed out the door... im guessing with something that has wings between her legs...lol
Anyhow dad and i sit and chat for a bit, and 45 mins later mum is back. she throws me the keys and tells me to park the car, then she runs in to see dad sat on the couch watching cookery programmes.
She then tells us, how with all the drinking, and the not going to the loo, and the fact she hates public toilets (has a real phobia of them), she went to the nurse, who told her the appointment wasnt til tomorrow!
My dad and I burst into laughter.
Then she began to laugh.
Ever laughed hard when you want the loo?
My mum ran as fast as she could!!!
My mum has little legs.
We laughed even harder.
So with that in mind, and what a crap week its been, I am pleased that I had a moment to focus on something genuinely funny.
I really hope you all have a good day today, and know that no matter how down things can get, life will always throw something funny from left field to make you smile.
Firstly, as you know my cab which is the focus of much amusement has been poorly. I bought the thing for £4000 March last year, and it has served me well, but there was a grinding noise that came from under the bonnet (hood) and so the doctor was called in.
At first i was informed it was the fly wheel, now i havent a clue what a fly wheel is, but im guessing my car needs one, and my friend the mechanic told me you dont replace a fly wheel without replacing a clutch.. he suggested the price would be around £1000. I dont have £1000 lying around, so it took alot of begging to scrape up the money. One of the conditions to the begging though, was to go to the Vauxhall dealer.
They're pretty good over there, so I wasnt too bothered, and when they rang me with the news that both my timing chains had gone and needed to be replaced for the sum of £750, i was relieved. They informed me that i needed a new starter motor as well at the price of £125... both handlable!
The very next day however, they told me that the fly wheel and clutch both needed to be replaced as well! After a serious amount of negotiations and apologies from the garage my final price was £1625. Shit!
So more begging. And they have had my car for 4 days so far. Thats 4 days of not working, not that those days are busy days, but... and when they finally give it back to me, they have done something to my taxi meter. I now have to drive 25 miles tomorrow morning (missing work tonight) to get it fixed!
Next my father who I love desperately, had a fall. He's had a heart attack before and I was very worried about him. The doc says it might be a mini stroke following the insertion of his pacemaker... Mum is pulling her hair out, and i'm not surprised... They fight like cats and dogs most of the time, but when you see them so fragile, thats when the real love comes through. Those tender moments, touching hands and sitting with each other in the dark.
Anyhow, on Monday morning at about 7am, she called me panicing about dad... I went over straight away, even though i had spent the night chatting to a couple of friends online. As we waited for the doc to turn up, I sat through my mum having what could only be described as a mini breakdown, at first she was ranting about how she couldnt handle looking after him, but it ended up with her crying on me because just the thought of him hurting was crushing her.
The doc didnt turn up til 1 and then mum was out the door for some tablets. She looked awful but not as bad as she did on tuesday. 36 hrs of not sleeping can do that, she was also starting to develop a fever. I stayed with them both, and mum got a little sleep.
Wednesday as I was getting the £750 news, mum looked terrible and dad was still dizzy on his feet. They booked the docs again for the next day.... Today.
So I turn up around 1pm... Sorry to Amanda, I left MSN on last night by mistake, when i woke up my head was on the laptop... For the first hour i had keyboard marks on my face, and the second hour was spent trying to dry the whole thing out from the dribble.
Dad had gone to the doctors in the morning, and was told about the possibility of the mini stroke, and how more tests were needed. Mum however was due to go to the hospital for some erm tests... She was carefully instructed by the NHS to drink 2.5 pints of water and not to visit the bathroom for 8 hrs before she turned up. Well, my mum is a little anal about this sort of stuff and drank tea with abandon last night and this morning, she also didn't visit the bathroom for a good 20 hrs when it was time for her to go.
She gave me absolutely loads of instructions which basically consisted of dont let dad do anything, but if he wants to move about and do things then let him.... my mum has her confusing moments... especially when she is tired and rough. She finally dashed out the door... im guessing with something that has wings between her legs...lol
Anyhow dad and i sit and chat for a bit, and 45 mins later mum is back. she throws me the keys and tells me to park the car, then she runs in to see dad sat on the couch watching cookery programmes.
She then tells us, how with all the drinking, and the not going to the loo, and the fact she hates public toilets (has a real phobia of them), she went to the nurse, who told her the appointment wasnt til tomorrow!
My dad and I burst into laughter.
Then she began to laugh.
Ever laughed hard when you want the loo?
My mum ran as fast as she could!!!
My mum has little legs.
We laughed even harder.
So with that in mind, and what a crap week its been, I am pleased that I had a moment to focus on something genuinely funny.
I really hope you all have a good day today, and know that no matter how down things can get, life will always throw something funny from left field to make you smile.
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Alcohol
My good friend Angela wrote this 2 years ago... it's a great blog, so here it goes...
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I! ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I! ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
The Funniest Thing I Ever Did See
The Funniest Thing I Ever Did See
Category: Life
Now, I apologise if I have told you this before, but I absolutely love this story, and my friend Alice reminded me of it today.
About three years ago, I had just started Cabbie-ing, and I was driving down the high street at midday. The roads were chock-a-block with cars taking people away from the torrential downpour in our little town centre.
I was waiting for the traffic lights to change again, so far in the previous 10 minutes I had moved just one car length, so as my mind started to wander onto other things I noticed an elderly couple standing under an umberella by the bus stop. I say bus stop as there was no shelter, which on this particular day was very unfortunate.
She was a short lady, and clearly in charge, but things had not gone her way this afternoon, as the small umberella she was holding had turned inside out in the gusty wind. She hung onto it regardless taking whatever cover she could from the torrent of water cascading from the angry grey skies.
He was much taller than she was, and looked uncomfortable in his smart clothes, an although he wore a small flat cap and a raincoat, he was still bent over backwards trying to get his head under the low umbrella.
Now its important to tell you that It really was very rainy that day. Very rainy indeed.
And the umbrella was the wrong way round.
Collecting Rain.
Getting Heavy.
Getting very heavy.
And then...... all of a sudden... it wasnt!
The old man leapt in the air as the entire pool of collected rainwater poured down his back.
I am so sorry, but I laughed so hard i nearly crashed the car.
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