The Trouble With Rhubarb

I take these kids from a private school to London and around from time to time. They're great fun, and we have a laugh. On the way there is this old rhubarb stall down one of the country lanes. It sells rhubarb and just rhubarb for £1 a bunch. You take the stuff and leave your pound. No-one mans it, and it appears to be open 24/7.

I have often joked with the kids that no-one could possibly need emergency rhubarb. I have a picture of a cook in a manor house screaming at the kitchen maid that someone has taken the last rhubarb, and now the master will have none for his tea! After all Rhubarb, for all those that have never tried it, is not the nicest vegetable in the world. Its sweet like a fruit, but more like grapefruit that strawberries, it's coarse and tough and has to be boiled over til it goes squidgy. Its stringy like celery, and its leaves are poisonous. It has practically no cooking use except for being a perfect accompaniment for apples in a crumble.

Anyway, so todays trip went fine, and on the way back, I did what my online friend told me to do recently. I was driving down the M3, the same place where my ex fiance told me just 4 weeks ago she didnt want to be with me and I listened to my conscience. Then, the thought of this emergency rhubarb came back to me. The whole idea of the old cook, trying to think of what to stick in her crumble instead of rhubarb.

My ex as you probably now know, has a now 3 yr old daughter. She's adorable, cute, funny. A great kid, and I miss her desperately.

As a mother, my ex has a different agenda to some women. She has to think about her daughter too when picking a partner, so its really important that the daughter likes the new guy. She needs to know that the new guy is capable of looking after both of them, wont hurt them in any way, and specifically, that he loves both her and her young one.

Now, I was up for that. I had fallen for both of them in a big way. I expected it to be much harder than a normal relationship, but I was totally prepared to bring up another mans daughter as my own, even though I knew that in later rebellious years she would tell me over and over that I'm not her dad, even though I knew that people would always wonder what I was up to with a teenage girl that wasn't mine, even though her real father would eventually start sniffing around as soon as we married as he wouldnt have to pay maintenence anymore, even though my ex didnt want me to adopt her, but just to change her name, which meant I had no rights in a divorce.

Despite all that, and always being in second place, the second concern in the heart of the one I love, I was happy, delighted for that chance.

I was changing careers for them, moving to a place I couldn't afford for them, studying and working all the time, so I could take them out and buy them things. I liked it, I was happy doing it. And no-one would tell me I was taking a chance, or trying too hard because they knew I was in love, and they couldnt stop me

The thing is, that even though I was happy to be second best to her daughter, I wasnt happy ever to be third best or even fourth best sometimes. I realised that her family, or work, or sometimes her friends were more important to please. I was jealous of this. I hated thinking of myself as so unimportant, so unrequired.

I have since realised that I am selfish, that I do demand attention, and it was this attention she didnt have the time for. I need to be needed, and I was not needed. That was my problem. Obviously, there were other things that went wrong too, but in the end, if I didnt care about myself so much, I could have gotten over the minor problems.

She understood this much better than me, probably because her responsibilities were so much greater. She knew that in the end, I needed more than she was prepared to give, and that we had been living on borrowed time. She hoped that I would find a way to change, adjust or make do, but I didnt, I couldn't, it just wasn't me. I needed something else, something more exclusive. Something unique and individual to me. I needed Rhubarb.

Dating a single parent is very very hard.

So, I'm taking a stand with this blog, once and for all. I'm listening to my conscience and admitting my mistakes. I was not the right man for her, I know that now. I dont hold any grudges, she chose correctly. She chose for her daughter. She chose for her future. She chose something else, and thats fine.

There will always be a part of me that loves her, but I have learnt to let her go and to hang on to my sanity. I have a new life ahead of me now, with a new place to live, and soon a new job. And if my online keep fit buddy keeps pushing me, a new body shape soon...lol.

I am moving on, to something different. I will never forget her, but know if I had the chance to live the last 16months exactly the same, despite all the misery and heartache at the end, I would do so. And I would love it all over again.

I really genuinely hope she finds what she is looking for, and that she will be happy. I know it will be hard for me to see her around with someone else, but my life must go on.

For my part, I now know one of my weaknesses, and so know another thing I should be looking for.

The Big Change, "The Lord of the Rings"

Following on from my well recieved observation of Titanic, I would like to suggest a plot change to Lord of The Rings.



Look, I now this is the worlds most popular Book and everyone that has seen the movies likes something about them, but they are just wrong.

The true ending to the book should have gone like this.

Picture the scene, Frodo, lazy git though he is, gets his long standing mate Samwise Gangee (hero to all and hit with the laydees) to carry him to the top of mount doom.



Now I'm not saying he's a useless layabout... but he's a useless layabout. Up pops Dastardly Golem, gone a little freaky by now.



Golem fights lazy arse for a bit, who somehow has tonnes of strength now, and ol' sammy boy kicks a little butt.



Frodo then runs, sprints no less! to the top of the cliff thing and gets ready to throw the ring into the boiling lava,

but at the last minute, he stops, and says he's keeping it.



He slips on the ring just as Golem jumps on his back. Using his scabby razor like teeth Golem chomps away at lazy arse, biting his finger clean off! Shocking!

This is where the change comes in....

And then...

wait for it....

it's a bit of a shocker...



are you ready.....



ok....

and then......



Samwise.... has his big moment. He rugby tackles the irritating imp and ....



are you sure you're ready for this?



They BOTH tumble to their deaths in mount doom





Shocked aren't you....



It's okay, you can say.....



Yes they both die....



Yes, Samwise dies.....



Yes, Samwise....



Okay, stop your whining. Look Samwise is the hero not lazy arse. It's Samwise's noble and dignified death that makes the whole thing work. Lazy arse gets all the credit and hates himself for it, which is why he writes the book, which is why he has to leave little bottom, or smurfland or where ever, and go live with the fairy people.



Lets be honest, the films were good, and all the girlies cried, but with my ending, even the big rugby player blokes would be blubbering faster than an old granny at a wedding.



Naturally, both Tolkien and Jackson were too chicken to run it that way, but what an ending!

Okay I have said my piece... Now I am ready for your no doubt scathing criticisms.

Nuff Said, "Titanic"

Nooooo! why is it when I write a blog im happy with, my pc has a funny 5 mins!

Never mind. I shall try to recreate it another day, I will just ask one question before I head to bed after another long day.

In the film Titanic, has anyone ever noticed how Kate Winslet spends a good 5 mins telling Leo she wont let go, and then pries his dead hands from her grip!

Just saying, that aint right is it!

And then, she has the audacity to die at the end, and find herself back on the titanic, instead of the man she married and stayed with for 40 years!

Once again... not right!

I'm starting to get the impression there was a little poetic licence about that particular story!

Nuff said!

oh... except this is a relationship free blog. First one in ages!

Giving you a heads up

I've struggled writing this one. I just cant get the subject right, so this is my third, fourth, fifth attempt. Wish me luck.

I know that if you have been following my story of woe, you're probably sick to death of hearing about it. For that i'm sorry, I am trying to expand my blogging material out, but it's difficult. Amyhow, that probably explains why this one shoots off in all directions.

It struck me that falling out of love (or getting kicked out of love) is a kind of mourning. I've been trying to remember what the five stages of mourning are again. I wonder which one I am on. And perhaps most importantly, whether I should feel bad about seeming to go through them quite quickly. After all, we broke up a fortnight ago, and I'm getting on okay. Admittedly the events of the last 3-4 days have helped me.

I'm no longer crying my eyes out at the dinner table, or breaking down at work, but I still shed a few tears whilst watching Armaggeddon this afternoon (I mean come on! Its not like 'What Dreams May Come' or 'Notting Hill'!).

I have pretty much dug out all her stuff, although I'm not looking forward to the exchange. She sent me a message yesterday explaining why she finished a second time (sort of), and even though the blood is thicker than water excuse is worse than poor, I didnt feel much about it. It's over, does it really matter why?

(onto rewrite 6)

For all women reading this that dont know there are simple and easy clues to tell if any man loves you. I haven't made this up, but I havent named them all either, so here goes

The easiest one is if he is proud of you. He should be showing you off, not just to his friends and family, but in a club, bar or bowling alley. He should be itching for you to be seen with him, If he isn't then give it up, he doesn't think you're good enough. You'd be amazed the amount of women coming out of the clubs and getting in my car that dont know this!

If he isn't nervous, he isn't interested. He will want you to like him, so he should be scared a little. If he's too cocky, then back away. He wants something else rather than a relationship. Which may be fine, but you're better off knowing beforehand.

If he's not interested in you now, he NEVER will be. I'm not saying you have to do what he does, but if a guy is in love he wants to know everything about you, from why you like the colour green, to when was the last time you voted.

If he doesnt challenge you, he doesn't love you. If he doesnt disagree with you about some things, he just isn't listening. He's probably thinking about something else. At best its how to get in your pants, at worst it's how to get in your best friends.

If he runs hot and cold, there is a problem. Girls seem to like nothing more than a guy who runs hot and cold, but almost always, they are rebounding in some way (rebounding - bouncy bouncy, may be an english term, not sure, so a brief explanation is he's trying to find a replacement for someone else he did/does love)

This last one is important. Men dont mean to rebound. We really do want to be in love with you. We really do mean it when we say we love you, but it's not the 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' love, its the 'you are a really good friend and I dont want to let you down' sort of love. And in the end, we feel guilty, and you feel heart-broken.

The problem with rebounds is that we tick all the boxes with the other obvious signs, we lavish you with attention, and love you passionately, we listen to you intently, and show you off to our mums in a week. But be afraid, be very afraid.

Rebounding is something men do alot. I kind of hope someone tells me women do it too, but I'm guessing not so often. Its part of our healing process. I know that may sound sexist, and it is, but there are reasons.

Firstly, its tradition for a man to as a woman out, we are the aggressors, if you like, so instead of sitting at home and hiding in the dark which we consider weak and unhealthy, we get invited out to bars, this is our way of getting over it.

Secondly, when a relationship ends, the person dumped feels a huge sense of unattractiveness, maybe you werent enough for her, that sort of thing. Men get over this by chatting women up in bars, clubs wherever. After all no-one will come up to us in the office and ask us out.

Thirdly, because we feel like we did something wrong last time, we spend a huge amount of time, making sure we do it right this time. This is the guilt factor again. The attention we lavish on you can be overpowering, and if you dont spot it, you can fall in love heavily. And because we are already feeling guilty, we have a hard time telling you we dont want to be with you really.

Finally, sex is not so emotional for men (as a rule) than for women. We dont see it in the same way, its more instinctive. So the first thing we do when we've split up with someone important is to find a new sexual partner quickly. We dont mean to be cruel or malicious, we just want sex.

I'm still not happy with this blog. I guess I will figure out whats wrong with it in time, but as a guy who is dreading the idea of the next rebound, and desperately promising himself he wont do it, or if he does then it doesnt hurt her too much, I felt it important to tell you what to look out for, Less someone like me turn up at your door at 4 in the morning singing you love songs.

OMG Last Night

My friend was sat with my ex. She was clearly fed up with us banging on at eachother, so she got us to agree to meet on Saturday night. (Friends network for you)

Next I get a text from my ex. Come down to the pub, if you want us to talk.

I um and ahh about it. My stomach feels like the titanic but get going.

When I walk in, it's all smiles and happiness. And this is what we're going to do. I'm to move in with Chris as planned, and she will find her own place, then we'll take it slow and after a few months I can move in with her, and shall we put our rings back on?

I have to do a double take, its all going so fast. So I take her to one side and we chat. She's all tears, I realise I gave up, I've matured, I know how much I love you and how hard I will work to keep us going, I know my dad is manipulating me, and I have to get out for my daughters sake. I break down when she says that.

Then its my turn, I tell her going back would be really hard. The only way we could do it properly is by running somewhere new where you can be yourself. That you're not told what to do. Where you can really work out who you are and what you want. That we cant do it the normal way anymore. Too many bridges to be rebuilt too quickly.

She's listening and saying yes I know, I will, we'll do it together, I really love you.

After a tearful and hopeful drive home she sends me this...

Goodnight the love of my life, sleep well xxxx.      I reply

Goodnight. It was so special to be with you again. I love you so much, and even though it will be hard, I know I am a better man by your side.

Hopeful, you know, but recognising this will be tricky.

This morning I get a text...

I'm sorry, I do love you, but I wont let you hurt me again. So no, we're not back together bye x

What am I supposed to do with that, except run away. As fast as I can. At best she's not got a clue what she wants or she hasn't the guts to stand up for herself (Bad News City), In the middle she has been persuaded by her dad to write this text or her dad has stolen the phone and written it himself (Danger Town!) or at worse, she set me up with the express hope i'll go over the edge (Oh my god, they've dropped the bomb!!!)

But, the thing is, I dont feel like that. I thought I would when I got the message, but last noght something didnt fit right, like it was a dream. Everyone was too happy, and didnt seem to see how I felt. I was shitting bricks! I was scared senseless of getting hurt again.

When they were planning camping trips and holidays, i'm thinking how can I get out of the room and catch my breath.

I protected myself. I didn't believe it, and blow me if i didn't protect myself. I love her more than the earth, but I didnt think for one minute she would actually do the things she swore she was going to do.

I'm not really sure if I am just punchdrunk or numb, but im ok and thats what matters

Providence

My friend Chris and I looked at a flat today.

Now, i have to tell you, for the last two to three months, my ex and I have been hunting around for a house to move into. Nothing was right, it was either too small, cost too much, was too far away from school, everything was wrong. On the day she finished with me we were due to look at yet another place, that was bound to be expensive and was 5 minutes away from her parents house. I hated the idea, but I had said to myself, this is what she wants, so just do it. And then bam!

Today just 10 days later, I find a place she would have loved thats cheap and close enough, roomy and clean. Perfect, but instead of moving in with her, I'm moving in with Chris, well provided we get the paperwork done in time.

As I mentioned in some of my blogs, I always thought god was paying me back for some of the mistakes I have made. I always thought god didn't like me much. No reason why she should. It has not gone wihout notice that unusually I saw this place on a Sunday, and it has also not without notice that recently everyone I have met on here has been in some way religious.

Maybe, I have finally been forgiven? Some of my friends will probably think I'm being delusional, possibly i am, but what harm is there. If it gives me hope and gives me direction, I suggest it cant do much harm saying thank you.

Obviously it might all fall through, or Chris might turn out to be awful to live with, but at this moment, on this day I feel hopeful.

And that has got to be positive. Last week, I didnt know if I wanted to be alive, and this week even though I am still in great pain, I know that things will go on, and I'll be ok.

I cant say this enough though. Thank you guys so much for talking to me. You've been so supportive and honest. When you break up big, you start to question your decisions. You dont know if you are doing the right thing. What you want is a coach to tell you what to do, where to go and so on, and so far you guys have been terrific. When i'm indecisive, i ask you and you say yes or no. I need that right now, so a big thank you.

Today has been a good day. Of course, a day hasn't gone by without me breaking down a some point, but today I felt hopeful for the first time. And tomorrow i have stuff to do now. So maybe tomorrow will be ok as well.

Trying to Breathe

When she stays in your heart like the shadow behing you

Never straying too far or spreading too thin

When she fills you with joy like the warm setting sun

as the skies get much darker but the glow stays within

 

When she sparkles your life with dazzling glitter

that sprinkles your pages and falls on the floor

When she's bright like the catherine wheel spinning and spinning

and your eyes lose their focus and lights start to blur.

When she smiles like the angel you never believed in

and fills you with hope of the chances you missed

When she glows with a brilliance that lights up your way

and the darkness inside you is filled with a kiss

When she stays is in your head like the things you've forgotten

And niggles all day like a puzzle to crack.

She's your first thought at day break, birds singing her name

and your last dream at night, as the sheep fade to black

Whe she gives you a purpose, a reason to live

gives her strength and her passion and fills you with with air

When she is stays in your heart, in your blood and your soul

How do you breathe when she's no longer there.

(Eggy, May08)

My Day (one at a time)

Today was better than I imagined it would be.

I had an all day job to London, and we got lost on the way home. My passenger, a young lad from a private school was a really good laugh and totally cool about it. For some reason I couldnt get past Farnborough, Reading and Guildford... I'm calling it the guildford triangle, as there is nothing there, but you cant get out.

My phone has been ringing all evening. Calls about jobs, calls about gossip, calls about junk. It's been nice to have other things to focus on. As so many of you have said to me, it just takes time. Thanks by the way for being so patient, you guys have been a godsend.

Yesterday was my fathers birthday, he is now 74, bless him. He had a pace maker put in last week, and mum was really worried until my friend Lynne told us pacemakers are as good as the energiser bunny. He'll go on for years now apparently. But when we went for the pre-op and they told us all about it, mum had to ask how sensitive they are. You aren't supposed to bang them see, but when dad snores, mum hits him til he stops! The doc said to hit him on the leg next time. lol.

It was strange not having her next to me as we played quiz board games, but she never liked them much anyway.

Thats me done for the day. The grief has kicked in for sure now, but I wont give in to it. We all make choices about how we feel. I so im gonna feel ok from now on. And one day soon, I wont have to try.

My Ex

Ok, the is the last blog about this, cos its boring and alot has happened since I put the music blog some two or three hours ago.

For one, I haven't slept. So bearing in mind its now 10.45am, i'm in for a tough day.

If anyone is reading this and doesn't know whats going on then read the blog I didn't want to write, and if you cant cos its blocked, then never mind eh.

The girl I was texting texted me back today, i had tried to get in touch to help sort this mess out, but got nothing. And boy, when she called back she had some skinny to tell.

Firstly my ex was not shown the texts by the girl (we'll call her peanut!), but instead by her good friend (we'll call bitchface). This is important because my ex was under the impression I had been texting bitchface.

Secondly, the texts were fakes. SHOCK HORROR! Peanut told me straight, she showed bitchface them once only and there was no way they were copied.

Thirdly, my ex believed the texts were still happening (which they weren't) because bitchface told her they were.

Fourthly, Bitchface fell out with peanut a couple of months ago, because she stole £3000. Peanut put a charge against her and so she is out for revenge.

Fifthly, when bitchface was due in court, she was hiding up in Norfolk and guess who drove up there, picked her up, brought her down and paid bail.... go on... i know you can guess.... my ex's dad!!!!!

When I told this to my ex she refused to accept it at all, instead saying that her dad was all behind giving me another chance. Rubbish, he's been making life difficult for us since we got engaged, not paying me money he owes me, £250, not paying my friends money he owes them, not letting my ex see me, not supporting us when we said we wanted to marry in a registry office (he said he wouldn't go unless it was a church)

The Man's a liar, and a manipulator, and a crook. I will never talk to either of them again. They deserve each other.

I know that sounds angry, well it is, but its at least a little justified, because now I know for sure that

a. He's not worth the shit on my shoe.
b. She never loved me.

I have now wasted far too much time on them, so thats that.

Hope you are all happy and having a nice day.

Moody

They know how I feel
Category: Music

I spend ages trying to write how I feel, and a friend gives me a cd from Nine Inch Nails and they say it all.

"Something I Can Never Have"

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me [chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me [chorus]

I just want something I can never have

"Terrible Lie"

Hey god, why are you doing this to me?
Am I not living up to what Im supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
Hey god, I think you owe me a great big apology

Terrible lie
Terrible lie
Terrible lie
Terrible lie

Hey god, I really dont know what you mean.
Seems like salvation comes only in our dreams.
I feel my hatred grow all the more extreme.
Hey god, can this world really be as sad as it seems

[chorus]

Dont take it away from me.
I need someone to hold on to.
Dont take it away from me.
I need someone to hold on to

Hey god, theres nothing left for me to hide.
I lost my ignorance, security and pride.
Im all alone in a world you must despise.
Hey god, I believed that promises, your promises and lies

[chorus]

You made me throw it all away.
My morals left to decay.
How many you betray.
Youve taken everything

[chorus]

My head is filled with disease.
My skin is begging you please.
Im on my hands and knees
I want so much to believe.

Dont take it away from me.
I need someone to hold on to.
Dont take it away from me.
I need someone to hold on to

I give you everything.
My sweet everything
Hey god, I really dont know who I am.
In this world of piss

A Brief History

I hate that I'm writing this blog, but I have to. I have disallowed comments, because this is personal but please write me a message if you want. I've also put this to friends only, because there are lots of people I would rather not see it.

It's quite long and hard to write so please forgive me.

When I was 18 I met a girl called Sarah, we were very happy, but I was young and naive. I didn't know what I wanted. I didnt really know what Love meant, so when I had an opportunity to cheat, I did. I never got beyond heavy petting because when I realised what I was doing and what I was risking I left. I practically ran away from her and back to Sarah. I knew I wanted Sarah more than anything and I would do anything to make it work. It was the closest I ever got to a one night stand. Mostly due to guilt I told Sarah about it, and she forgave me. We soon got engaged. 2 years later she left me for her neighbour 20 years senior.

I should have expected it, but I have never been so hurt in all my life. It felt like my heart had exploded. I know I was wrong to cheat, but what came out of it was true devotion and commitment.

For the next 10 years I emotionally hurt women. I was unable to get over the feeling that I couldn't trust them, so when a relationship went so far I would finish it. I never cheated.

The most notable of these was Debbie. She was pretty and charming, and we stayed together for 3 years. I had to move to Wales for a while, and every night I would pray she still loved me. I will never forgive myself for what I did next. I finished with her on Christmas Day. I just couldn't take everyone being nice to us and saying how good we looked and buying us presents for our home when we get one. That week I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

I met Heather a few years ago, and made a commitment to myself that no matter how hard things got I would stick it out. If things got bad we would work through them and that I would never again give up. I didn't, but she left me 3 years later.

I have no anger towards her. Clearly we weren't right for each other and forcing the relationship wouldn't make a difference. I will always be grateful to her however as she showed me, sometimes relationships dont work, and that there is nothing you can do about it.

I spent 6 months alone, the longest period of time, and finally met Charley. She was cute and sexy, made me laugh and told me how she wanted to do anything with me and go anywhere. She had an adorable 2 year old daughter that loved me to bits. I fell in love very quickly, and asked her to marry me 6 months later.

We had been quite rampant, and not terribly careful, so she had an implant inserted. After that her sex drive just stopped. Even cuddling her or holding her hand she only did out of duty.

In the new year I met a passenger, we only met the once as she was in college. We started texting and calling and they got steadily more sexual. It felt good to be wanted again, to feel attractive, but after a fortnight I told her I could not give her what she wanted and that I would not text again. I never texted, called or saw her again

I knew how much I loved my girl and decided to tell her about it. I didn't lie once, but I had deleted the messages as I was too embarrassed. I wanted to show her I cared about her more than anything and that I would work through our problems no matter how hard they were. We set a date, talked to a vicar, booked a church, I started training for a new job that would allow me more time to spend with her and her daughter. We tried to give up smoking so we could afford a place for the three of us to live.

Yesterday she read the texts, and finished with me. Her father, who never liked me much, is good friends with this other girls best friends boyfriend. He must have had the texts for months now and was just looking for the right time to drop the bomb.

Two nights ago we had a big argument about how desperate she was to move out, how her father was controlling her, and how she found it too hard to give up smoking. Then yesterday morning she finishes me over this.

6 hours later, her father sent me the telephone number of a dating agency.

I cant chase her or fight for her. I would be fighting him and I refuse to do that. I love her desperately, but if she cant see me for what I am then I have lost her forever.

I know it is a very different thing reading them, rather than knowing of them, and I wish I hadn't done it.

I feel so alone, and lost.

I'm angry too, and maybe thats the only thing that will get me through this. I feel manipulated and helpless. And let down because she could have talked to me, confronted me. If she really felt the same way I do, she would at least have tried to understand, especially as I told her all about it 5 months earlier.

Yesterday was a terrible day, and apart from a few abusive text messages, I have not spoken to her. Right now I love her desperately and hate her for giving up so easily.

Anyhow, thats my story.